Letting child live with dad.

[Stepmum3]

Hi

I have three children and three step children. My youngest 12 since I can remember has had behaviour issues. I have tried 123 magic and financial incentives etc. None of it works. He behaves great at school very caring etc. His father and I have been apart for 10 years, he was up until October seeing him every other weekend. Then his dad arranged with my son to do 50/50 access. So since then my two youngest children have been going 50/50. It was sold as that the behaviour would improve. In fact behaviour is worse. And whereas we would have extremely bad behaviour following a weekend with dad and then two weeks to get him back to a good place we now only have a week to sort it out. Dad doesn’t want to give up 50/50 care. So part of me is thinking letting him go live with dad as my well-being is taking a big hit. On the plus my son not being for one week is giving me a break to handle him better. But everything is a battle or fight. He is literally verbally abusing me.

Anyone let their child go live with the other parent?

Have you spoken to your son or ex about this? What does your son think? Do you and your ex parent very differently?

Hi,

Sorry to drip feed.
Yes we do. My ex usually leaves them to their own devices or his gf.
We sought paid counselling last April and my son found it beneficial till my ex rubbished it. Then won’t go anymore. Although to my sons benefit he sought some at school but decided to stop.

We talk all the time but he always feels attacked whether it’s me or dad. If we aren’t saying what he wants he flips.

What does your DS want? Would he want to live with his Dad or would he is see it as being palmed off as you don’t want him?

(Not saying you don’t want him tho) that sounded wrong at the end! Didn’t mean it sound like that....

I’d work out what is in his best interest? Are cahms involved?

Do you think he would be better behaved if he didn't see his dad as much? Do you think his dad is responsible for your son's behaviour?

When we went counselling he said he wanted to stay with every other weekend with dad. But I can see why he would to be at dads as they can play on computers or mobiles for a long time. Whereas I have strict rules.

My worry is the palming off but if I am honest I am not sure how long I can take being verbally abused all the time.

I don't understand

You are saying your son's behavioir deterorates when he spends time with his father and your solution is for him to live there permanently ?

Unfortunately my ex won’t stop seeing him. My ex is very abusive and having my son here is like having him back. Not one of my children will say speak up against their dad. But will happily tell me what I am doing wrong.

Please believe this decision isn’t being taken lightly. It’s with a heavy heart and I spend a lot of time crying about it as I don’t know what to do.

I'm all for arrangements that best suit the child. But do you honestly think that sending your ds to live full time with man you say is "very abusive" is in your sons best interest?

I can see you are desperate, but this is not the solution

Tbh Tulip I don’t know. From the feedback I get from Dad and gf he behaves relatively well. However, my daughter says he behaves the same for dads gf. Dad’s not there enough to really comment if I am honest. And I can’t say my daughter said otherwise she denies it too her dad. Then I look like the trouble maker. She has done that to me twice before.
At the moment I am undergoing counselling myself as I am struggling to cope with the 50/50 care and the behaviour.

I would let dad deal with him full time for the time being. He might be less inclined to rubbish councelling or other tactics that were in your child’s best interests if he’s dealing with that challenging behaviour full time

But then you'd be sending your son to live with your ex's partner. If he's abusive to her, too, then that really isn't fair. And it's likely she'll just let him get away with anything as long as he shuts up and leaves her alone.

I think you need external help for this, OP.

Friend has this - They don’t realise the damage they do because they don’t have to deal with the fallout

Can you’d end him to EX for respite for a couple of weeks and see how that goes? Does EX want him full time?

My ex would only want him until he had to go on holiday. Which is usually 3/4 times a year. As under the old arrangement dad wouldn’t see him on his weekends if he booked holidays. When this arrangement was agreed the gf did text me to say it would be 50/50 apart from holidays.

On the weeks where he didn’t see dad we would have a fab few weeks. I expect bad behaviour but I can’t handle verbal abuse and on occasion physical.

Have you spoken to GP and school about your sons behaviour?

It sounds horrible and I’m sorry you’re struggling so much but sending him to live with his dad sounds like a disaster

At school he has great. In fact the teachers can’t recognise the boy I am talking about.
I think the doctors is the next port of call. As I don’t want to give up x

Don't give up, love. There is no hope for your ex to turn into a better person but your boy will always benefit from more positive influences in his life

Thank you all. Just feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel x