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Resenting other half due to lack of parenting

4 replies

Horsy95 · 02/02/2019 19:28

I have a 1 month old with my other half who already has a 9 year old. So far it has been pretty difficult, I had to stay in hospital for a week after C-section on antibiotics before coming home and my other half went back to work after paternity leave. During my hospital stay, my step daughters mum allowed her to extend her stay with us from the Christmas period so she could see the newborn however no one asked how I felt about this but actually I felt that it took the support away from my other half being there at the hospital as he would have to go home and spend time with his other daughter too, maybe I'm being a bit selfish but I needed him when I couldn't get out of bed to feed the baby due to lack of tummy strength. Now I'm home I do night feeds all week because he works full time which most argue is fair enough but then on weekends he will somewhat 'try and help' in his words as he has football games every other weekend on a Sunday, training Thursday nights and is also a DJ. Again, some argue he is making money working Friday and Saturday for us but he earns enough from the full time job that the DJ'ing income isn't needed so all the bookings he takes is purely because he loves that job also and because he gets to socialise when he works in his small home village. He is also promising my step daughter that she can come and stay for all school holidays when he has only 4 weeks leave a year and he knows that I'm struggling with the baby and just expects that I'll be fine with this without asking me so we've now arranged to stay at his mothers for half term because I don't feel I'd be able to cope with two as she's very demanding I.e 'what are we doing today? Who are we seeing today?'. All in all I just don't think it's fair that his life doesn't seem to have changed at all and some days he comes back from training or a game and I just feel like handing him the baby and getting in the car and leaving. I've had a few crying meltdowns on him and it's like he's a life saver should he then take over and do one night feed but even then he doesn't do this unless I'm really struggling. He is also a phone addict constantly on it checking football scores, Facebook, any social media and I'm in a battle with this too. I've actually tried to spend more time on my phone and play him at his own game to see if he realises and finds it annoying when roles are reversed but he's not phased at all. I feel like I've lost myself as a fiancé and just become a mum whilst he's carrying on life as normal. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
FTMF30 · 02/02/2019 20:55

I think a lot of women get this. I certainly did and I must admit, DH gets better and better with DS everyday and he does try his best. However, the fact is that life doesn't change quite as much for the man as it does for the women. That's a fact of life I resent.
I don't think the reality of having a baby is so apparent to a man. They haven't had the baby growing inside them for 9 months and then birthed a human. Their body hasn't transformed at all.
However, with all this being said, your DS needs to try harder. Can you set some routine in place? At the moment, it seems you're asking him for help here and there. But maybe you can suggest he has the baby for a couple of hours at certain times on the weekend and set this in place as routine? Or even 1hour every other evening? Maybe it would help if it was pre-agreed?
In terms of his daughter being around, if she's 9, you'd be surprised how helpful she could be with little tasks. I'm sure any 9yo girl would relish being able to help out with their baby sibling.
Hope you feel better soonFlowers

user1493413286 · 03/02/2019 08:00

I remember feeling very resentful at first (still do sometimes if I’m honest). The frustrating reality is that our lives are turned upside down while theirs just aren’t changed quite as much.
It sounds like your DH is being thoughtless rather than purposefully useless. I’d work out what can change within the football and DJing and ask him to take a break on one of those things or limit the DJing to once a month. The reality is that he has a baby now so he has to accept that life has changed. I think sometimes when a man has a child already they think they know that but if they’ve been able to carry on what they want to do while their child is with its mum then they do forget what 24/7 is like.
I’d then schedule a bit of time to yourself in; if you feel ready to go out then do that, at 4 weeks I found it helpful for DH to come in from work and take over for an hour or two so I could have a nap or just lie down in our room to have a short period of time to myself. It then progressed to him taking DD out for a walk in the evenings once the weather was better
It’s not an excuse but I think sometimes men find it harder with a small baby as they don’t play and you probably come across like you’re on top of it all so they aren’t sure where they fit in.
I’d also suggest he has to talk to his DD and his ex and say he got it wrong about the holiday thing. I remember making an offer like that when pregnant for DSD and luckily my mil suggested I wait until baby came to make a decision. Once DD was 6 months I had her while DH was at work for a couple of days and the same at 8 months; and while it was fine it was hard work to find things to do that DD could go to as well and it meant I didn’t get any of my already very limited down time.

Kikipost · 03/02/2019 08:01

He sees his 9 year old daughter as a fully paid up member of his family
You don’t

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Peppapig254 · 03/02/2019 08:32

I dont think you are being selfish at all that he wasnt at the hospital for you. He should have been. If he extended her stay over the christmas period he obviously spent time with her previously he shouldnt have extended that time as he should have been there for you. Like anyone else who has kids someone else could have taken care of her whilst you were in hospital after having a massive operation he should have been there to help amd not leave you to struggle. I cant see why the stay needed to be extended it doesnt mean she cant have seen the baby in hospital at all.
Taking care of the baby is part of the bonding process and it sounds like he is being really neglectful in that.
You are not selfish he is.

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