MIL is a fountain of bad advise and won't stop.

[SparklingNarwhal]

Okay, I'm a new mum. Week old baby but I'm not green. I was 8 when my brother was born and helped bath, change, dress and feed. So I a quick refresher while I spent 5 days on the maternity ward and got some excellent advise and taught how to breastfeed and picked up quite well. It's hard but I'm happy. Of course there are new things and get FTP anxieties but I trying to tackle each as they come. Also took on board the advise from the Midwives from discharge one to one.

Now my mother in law ...

She's telling me to rotate breast every 10 mins. I told her he wouldn't get the hind milk, and new borns need to be on for roughly for 20 mins and/or they stop suckling, to which she responded dismissive 'is that something you read in a book? Not everything in a book is true'
While on the ward, due to the traumatic birth and emergency C section, Rhys my little man was dowsy from the drugs and antibiotics and the midwives were monitoring the feeding and getting his salts level down before I could leave. She started harping about bottle feeding. I told her he wouldn't take it. The flow from the wards bottles was too fast and he threw it all up, but she wouldn't let it drop, like I was making up excuses or not doing it right. She even hinted it was selfish of me to breastfeed and not do the bottle. The suggestion of why don't I do a bottle keeps coming up.
The midwives told us no pramsuits in the car seat. It's dangerous because the belts aren't tight enough. Well she bought us one and is adment that we use it in the car seat.
She's remarked on me taking a drink of water when holding the baby, shes commented on the milk modesty scarf I was using will suffocate the baby, she even went to the ward desk to enquire info about my baby and then tried to scare me that I wasn't doing enough to bring his salts down and they'll use a drip if I don't, even know it was the same info the midwives and doctors had told me and were confident we could handle this and progress in the right direction just taking a little while to straighten out.
The in laws have now also visited every day, uninvited.

She fast becoming a nightmare. I've mentioned this to my husband I wasn't fond of her brash scare tactics in the hospital but I get the feeling this is only the beginning of this war. She still treats us like 16 year old children!

I just needed to vent, I WISH she wouldn't snap that harsh 'parent' tone with me when I'm parenting and questioning my choices. This was one of the reasons my husband actually put off having kids for years ...

As an aside, the hospital shouldn't have told your MIL anything about your baby and their treatment. Might be worth feeding back to them.

Has she always been overbearing and dismissive of you? How does your husband respond when she does this?

The bottle comments... presumably she bottle fed her children? It sounds like she's taking breastfeeding as a personal insult. Plus it means she can't feed the baby herself, which she might have been hoping to do.

I would try responding with a neutral reply to all her "advice" - maybe something like "oh, do you think so?", and then just totally ignore the advice and carry on as you were. Don't engage in any discussion or debate about anything, just neutral non-committal responses and then change the subject.

If your still in hospital instruct the midwives no visitors expect DH.

When you get home, get DH to tell in laws you need a week or so as a family unit to bond etc and will call when you are ready for visitors. If she argues, phones off and don't answer door.

When she offers advice you can either nod and ignore or say something like "oh mil I know you are trying to help but so much more is known since you had baby all those years ago so I will follow the up to date advice from professionals thanks"

Not much advice, just wanted to say I feel your pain and hope it passes soon💐💐

Tell her you’re the mother and can make your own decisions. Then tell her to piss off.

I think you have to stand your ground and tell her whilst she may have the best of intentiones her "advice" is very unhelpful at a time when you have just had a baby and are finding your own feet nicely. Tell her you are working with the midwives advice and your own natural mothering instinct is working perfectly well, that you would prefer she keeps her opinions to herself.

Polite, firm but fair I think is the way to go. If it continues then cut contact drastically until you are better placed to deal with her.

OP - Please ignore your MiL. Parenting has changed a lot since she was the mother of a young baby.

p.s. I am a MiL too.

The suggestion of why don't I do a bottle keeps coming up.
Of course it does - a bottle-fed baby can be left for long periods / overnight with grandparents....
Stick to breastfeeding!!!

The midwives told us no pramsuits in the car seat. It's dangerous because the belts aren't tight enough. Well she bought us one and is adment that we use it in the car seat.
Charity shop it pronto then claim you can't find it

'That's nice MIL but we're doing it this way' no explanation why your way has been chosen just the statement on repeat everytime she tries to correct you/ tell you what to do.

Then once you feel up to it find some baby groups so you have a routine that she will find it harder to just come and visit uninvited.

OP, congratulation on your baby and you already sound like a great mum. Good for you for breastfeeding.

Re MIL, you will have to say something - along the lines of you realise she is trying to help by giving advice, but things have moved on and there are different ways of thinking/doing things now. It’s great that they want to see their GS but you do need rest and quiet, especially considering the traumatic birth and C section. Perhaps they could arrange a time to come round in future rather than just turning up.

Be firm! If they huff, so what...your baby, your rules and you need for them to respect that.

(Oh, and hide if they turn up unannounced again - perhaps stay in bed all day!)

I agree with @Iloveacurry . Tell her he's your baby, not hers, and ultimately to keep her unhelpful thoughts to herself. Don't let her treat you like a child. You're a grown woman and need to stand up for yourself.

With all the hormones raging now is the perfect time to have a blow out, firmly set the boundaries and not apologize for it.

Chain on the door and stay in bed all day and continue ignoring her advice

You’ve just had a baby so it’s DH’s job to act as gatekeeper.
Be clear about what you would like him to do, but I’d suggest that the next piece of unsolicited advice or criticism that comes you way, he says something like “Mum! Really have you heard yourself? We know what we are doing and if we want your advice or opinion we’ll ask for it.” If she persists, he needs to tell her it’s time for them to go.
He also needs to text them to say the daily uninvited visits are too much and they need to wait to be invited
I’m sure it’s not an appealing prospect for him, but he needs to step up.
YANBU!

It doesn’t matter if she’s adamant that you put your baby in a pramsuit then into the car seat. He’s your baby, you know it’s not safe so don’t do it and tell her why.
Every time she mentions bottle feeding, you just say “We’ve chosen to breastfeed, thanks”. Don’t continue the conversation.
I think the pair of you are going to have to start standing up for yourselves.

Tbh I tend ignore her most of the time. Personally I hate how she cuts off my responses mid conversation and talks over me. Ironically she explains that her husband does it to her ... (He doesn't)
But it's the recent intrusion on my parenting that's annoying me. My hubby, love him, can bow to his mum mainly because she knows his buttons but we have promised to be a united front. I just need to remind him of that.
The comments she makes are annoying but I'm going to ignore them but if she tries to enact some of her advise, heaven help me.

The only thing you can do is put up some massive strong boundaries. They only visit when they’ve checked beforehand that it’s ok. If you and dh would rather not, they have to accept that and not huff.
Problem is it’s easier said than does. It should be your dh’s job to do this but he’ll be worn down by it all having grown up with this. If you do it, you’re the bad ungrateful DIL. There’s no easy way forward, but at least if you do set up and keep boundaries you’ll be limiting the damage. It sounds so hard though. It’s a good job you’re confident as a mother as this could wreck a new mum’s confidence completely. I can’t stand this kind of behaviour, it’s just truly awful and bullying and not what you need when you want to be focusing on your baby

*easier said than done