parental paradox (daddy is favourite)

[justbob]

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind me venting a little, but I'm in a frustrating situation. I also apologise in advance for not using in traditional abbreviations - more than happy to correct.

My partner and I have a 2 year old and when born, she decided to bottle feed (mainly due to lack of confidence as first did not 'take'). I had no problem with this, as I had no knowledge about the difference and as far as I was concerned, it was her body.

My background is generally normal, other than having PTSD in the past (near death road incident, air ambulance, etc.), but this makes me abnormally sympathetic, you could say. This in part resulted in me being the first one up in the morning with the baby for bottle milk, nappy changes, etc. and I would also go to him during the night if he stirred - as my partner is not a good person when tired, so it was for the greater good, you could say. The baby also pretty much demands that I feed him milk in the evening unless it's obvious I'm not around.

When he's hurt, he tends to come to me for reassurance and when I get home, I generally get a cuddle.

Some might see this as flattering, but in my situation it upsets my partner which causes problems. It also means that because I'm tired, I can't earn as much as I could do, which then leads to financial pressures as I bring in 2/3rds of the income we require for bills. Luckily I'm self-employed, but I've lost quite a bit of work (unknowing to my partner) which can affect my income in the long term via chinese whispers and all that. It's also a shame because we could have a nicer car (not a rusty dented one) and even a holiday in the UK somewhere, if I was left to get on with work (and there is plenty of it coming my way).

I'm not really looking for an answer, I really don't mind who is the primary carer, but trying to be 2 people is difficult at times. A few times I even thought about suggesting I become a stay at home dad and she goes to work full time. It would be a pity as I've got a well established 15 year old business that wasn't easy to get started but it's now fairly stable and has been for 13 years.

There we go, any thoughts welcome.

I wonder why you're hiding the loss of work from your partner.

You're the primary care-giver it seem - your DS will go to nursery soon enough, so why not be a SAHP and maybe work part-time?

Mainly because I don't want her to be upset, she is also trying a new career and it's not going well so I don't want to pile on bad news. I have said it a few times, when it was obvious that I wasn't going to work as effectively.

Don't get me wrong, she runs the rest of the house, washing, cooking, cleaning etc.. I fix things when they break, improve the house with DIY and so on. I just find that I run out of steam when I get to work, in a worst case I'll be up at 5:30-6am, it may be another 1 or 1 and a half hours before partner gets up (I go to bed later oddly, though I am a little older), once she's ready for work or ready to take over, I then get ready for work which has meant I get to work at 9am'ish.

May be I'm more simple that I thought, but I find it difficult to switch from being parent to income maker. I would be OK just doing one or the other, but I have a slightly technical job which requires a reasonable amount of thought, and going into that after having looked after our baby/toddler for 3 hours first, is difficult to adjust to.

He will go to nursery soon, perhaps that'll make it easier. Unfortunately my job can't really be done part time as it requires regular contact with people. In my mind it's either full or nothing, perhaps I am not intelligent enough to do both.

Have you discussed any of this with her? I don't think you say in your post

I would be OK just doing one or the other

Most of us would love to just work or parent. However, when we choose to have children without a few million in the bank, we choose to work and parent alongside each other. There are very few jobs that don't require thought and concentration - you are far from special in that regard.

It doesn't sound like that unequal a partnership. Your partner does all of the housework (and I'm betting the wifework too). Getting the baby up in the morning and doing some night wakings isn't "abnormally sympathetic". It's just normal. Not helping out would make you a dick.

Does your wife earn less than you because she's part time? Does she actually spend more time with your son than you do? Because the old trope of mummy being home all day, and daddy getting a huge reaction as he walks through the tour is a tale as old as time.

Purple: I've only occasionally said things, but not about the loss of income. I did mention becoming an employee again for a simpler life, she didn't say it, but wasn't keen on that.

LivLem: Thank you for that, nice to cut the BS. I've got no problem being a parent, it's just a bit tiring, which I expected, I had just hoped that I could focus more on making the family more financially secure and may be have some options.

Yes she does earn less than me, she went down to 3 days a week when she returned to work, and stayed at that. My partner works 3 full days a week (child is at babysitter), 2 days a week she has off at home and both those days our child is at a babysitter for half the day.

I suppose she spends more time with him due to the afternoons she has with him. Though it depends on how accurately it needs calculating. I'm with him 2 hours in the morning, then I get home at 5 when possible and spend 2.5 hours with him, then I put him to bed after she's read a story. We are with him at the same time quite a bit, and at the weekend we both have half a day away doing whatever's needed.

I don't want the huge reaction when I get home and would prefer her getting the affection she requires. I believe this started shortly after the birth where she was finding it upsetting and became out of control on occasion, she had post birth depression which she got help with and I assumed she had recovered from it. He saw that her being unstable, while I kept calm and consistent and I think that's meant he prefers me. Partner has had more troubles in her younger years (parental abuse) than I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Sounds pretty normal to be. Lots of 2 year olds have a favourite and its often daddy for lots of reasons.My DH gets up with DS in the morning even though he doesn't wake that much in the night anymore because he enjoys spending the time with him. She's still doing the majority of the housework and presumably the childcare whilst she's off and you're at work.
Bit uncomfortable with this paragraph to lack of confidence as first did not 'take'). I had no problem with this, as I had no knowledge about the difference and as far as I was concerned, it was her body.
Past tense suggests that you're not so happy with her decision now...but you were right, it is her body and absolutely her decision. It sounds like there's a bit of resentment here other than what you've actually mentioned?

He saw that her being unstable, while I kept calm and consistent and I think that's meant he prefers me
Bollocks. He gets excited to see you because you're his daddy and that's normal for a 2 year old. I hope you're not saying shit like this to her as that would be so damaging.

Raspberry, thank you for that, very helpful.

Ah - I didn't write that very well, I still have no problem at all with her decision to bottle feed, I just see it as something that potentially could have balanced out affection a bit? Yes I was there when he needed someone and splend plenty of time with him, but it may have balanced that out if she had breast fed, if that makes sense? Mind you, probably would have made her more tired as well, can't really win can you.

raspberry: I am not going into detail about how unstable she became because it was a traumatic time, now resolved with AD medication. I'm not saying anything like this at all because it would collapse our relationship and family.

I'm sorry that it was so traumatic. It can be a very very difficult time. I had more mild PND and it was still the hardest time of my life. There's plenty of women here who also suffered more extreme PND or even psychosis. You're knackered, she's knackered and your 2 year old is a toddler and doesn't mean to be hurtful, it's just what they do. I did every night feed and am a SAHM and my DS still spends all day saying dadda dadda and he often pushes me away when they're sitting together. It's nothing to do with not breastfeeding at all. Having a child has the potential to cause all manner of resentment but it's not helpful, you need to build each others confidence. It's so important that you don't try and attribute your son's behaviour to what did or did not happen when he was a baby, it's all just a normal part of his development.

The formula thing probably wouldn’t have made a difference in terms of affection... our DS was EBF until 6 months and then continued with breast feeding until 15 months and in the past couple of months has now decided he needs/wants his daddy to settle him at night. Toddlers often go through these phases of being clingy to one parent and it’s exhausting for that parent and can be frustrating at times for the other (i.e. DS getting himself into a proper state if I go into to settle him instead of his daddy just now... even though it was the opposite when he was younger!)
It is possible she is still being affected by PND and this could be the root of why you currently being the focus of his affections is making her feel this way, you need to support each other and remember toddlers go through all kinds of phases and they don’t last forever.