Dear Parents (particularly those we are separated)
I am a Dad and have been blessed with an incredible son. He is exceptionally beautiful, intelligent, polite (most of the time), generally very well behaved and an absolute joy to be with. However, after 51 months, he has (for the first time) hurt me. Intentionally.
I expect I am being over dramatic but parenting is extremely complicated and I am totally committed to getting this right. For all the years of learning stuff at school we are expected to make do with a few hours of NCT classes and get on with it. So I really do need the benefit of your collective wisdom please.
The issue is:
My son knows he upsets me if he says ‘I don’t want to see you I want to be with Mama’ and now he started doing this every time I tell him off.
Is this nasty manipulative behaviour for a 4 year old or is this normal?
It may be helpful if you understand the context.
Mum and I separated 16 months ago (an appalling failure I know, and the guilt breaks my heart (it was my fault we split up), but trust me it is not as selfish as it appears- he is actually much better off as there was way too much unhealthy conflict). So I spend all week excitedly counting down the minutes until Mum allows me to see him again. I lie awake each night so excited to see his little face and planning our weekend of ‘boys’ time, the best time’.
He has completely redefined what ‘joy’ is to me. All the things that brought me joy before, whether falling in love, music (making, listening, performing), spending time with family and friends, pursuing and achieving a successful career etc. all of thing were/are amazing. But when I am in the woods with my boy and we are looking for big bad wolves, giants or witches; or we are hiding from Mr Todd and Tommy Brock; playing hide and seek; asking the ‘boys and girls’ to play; collecting sticks and stones for his backpack (for his ‘work’ he says); gathering flower for Mama; being good or bad pirates steering the ship away from sharks in pursuit of treasure; feeding the ducks; pretending to be lions scaring the pigeons; making ‘soup’ with leaves; role playing as superheroes; making up stories (saying a line each); singing Old Macdonald or 5 little monkeys on the swings; creating dinasours with shadows; playing football/tennis/tag/I spy etc. then there is nothing in the world that can touch it. Time stands still. It is pure magic and brings more happiness than I have ever experienced, dwarfing all other previous joyful moments in my life. The only sadness it brings is knowing one day it will end and he will think the same as us adults - a walk in park will simply revert to being a walk in the park. And for a period (in around 10 years) I am sure his Dad will be the last person he wants to go the park with!
But for now, each time, there is just this incredible huge massive glow of utter happiness inside me.
We both love every second. So when, during our limited time together he has now started to tell me he’d would rather be with Mum (on the occasional time I tell him off), it really breaks my heart. Unfortunately he has seen me shed a few tears in response (not sobbing, just the occasional wisftul teardrop!). So he knows it upsets me but still does it – is that not really nasty? I can’t imagine making my Mum cry when I was little and then making here cry again on purpose because I did something wrong.
He has now done this several times - Every single time I told him off.
One of the many things that make me proud of him is that his Nursery reports said he is the first child to show empathy. I have always told him that after love, empathy is the most significant and valuable emotion. It is the key to living a great life, being a kind understanding person. It is fundamental to all our inter-reaction with others whether eg sharing toys or joining in games.
So if he shows and understand empathy, does that make him even more nasty when he deliberately upsets me?
How should I deal with this situation?
More generally, what milestones in the gradual loss of innocence have you experienced and how did you handle them?
The first we experienced was when he was about 3 and a boy at Nursery hurt him, on purpose, for no reason. He was baffled as I sadly reflected ‘ welcome to the real world’…
Many thanks in advance
J.