Attachment parenting a Todder and preschool

[propercuppa]

I didn't have any ambitions and have only really read about attachment parenting retrospectively. But DS wanted to held all the time, and coslept in our bed as I breast fed him, and it was easy as he woke so often. I would carry him in a fabric sling to go anywhere as it was easy. When he got too heavy, he generally walked or had to face me in the pushchair or he would be upset.

We stopped breastfeeding just after 2 years. Now he sleeps in his room, but I cuddle him whilst he falls asleep and will get in with him if he wakes he calls for me, to get him to drift off again. I'm a SAHM, so always with him. I don't go out without him. My DH doesn't generally have him on his own, just due to his work away.

We spend a lot of time outdoors playing, sticks stones, walking etc.

DS started at the local preschool at 2.5 yrs in September. It has an outstanding ofstead, and is the best in the area. He has coped really well with the separation. He goes for two lots of 3 hours. So he is there 6 hours a week.

So my issue is preschool say he is very well behaved, happy but behind on everything. They use the EYFS to assess the children and show us photos, targets etc online. They say he doesn't really say anything, he won't slide down a slide, use a trike, play scooter or climb etc. Now I know he can do all these things but I am usually with him. He will often ask for my hand or a bit of support to get him started then he gains his confidence. He is quite a risk adverse child generally. They say he just plays happily either on his own or they say he does interact with other children. He has a couple of other children that also like to play outside a lot, so the foundation of friendships.

If I ask DS if he want to go to preschool he says yes. He usually says No to everything. It seems a lovely environment, with lots to do but of course it's not 1-2-1 attention. So is he just too young ? They take them from 2 yrs there. Or should I not worry? I would of liked a forest school but there aren't any nearby and I think they are usually 3 +.

Has anyone navigated preschool as an attached parent? Have I made him to reliant on me ?

Ah, you haven't made him too reliant on you. He's just on his own timescale.

Has he formed any attachment to an adult at nursery? If you ask him who his favourite teacher is will he tell you? Sounds like that’s what he needs.

@TwoGinScentedTears I agree. Preschool have said that I need to submit my own evidence to show he can do things- like kick a ball. Apparently they need 3 separate examples. I just don't want to spend my time filming him for evidence. So maybe I've come across disinterested by not doing this. Or maybe they think I over estimate him.

I want DS to spend some time with other children around him, that's why I sent him to preschool, but I guess it's means I've had to join the checklist treadmill

@minipie he has a key worker type person. I can't remember the name they use for them. I don't warm to her personally, DS knows who she is and takes her by the hand to show her things etc. He likes her. She hasn't done anything wrong, she is fine. The lady in charge and many of the others are very warm, and they are always enthusiastic to see him.

They can't tick things off the list unless they see him do it(most times independently)or you provide proof of it. I don't understand why you wouldn't,it's not like it has to be constant or all 3 instances at once.

He might not even be behind,but because he's in only 6 hours a week that means there is a big gap between sessions so he has to get himself reacquainted with staff,kids,toys where everything is. He might miss a certain activity or toy and me more interested in doing that than what they want him to.

It might all feel as a box ticking exercise and it sucks when your kid isn't ticking the boxes(been there,ranted and worried about that) but most kids do catch up eventually. However, for the ones that don't it's helpful to have a track record of any issues once help is needed.

I didn't deliberately practise attachment parenting with my daughters, but after reading about it, it's clearly what I did/do.

To be honest, I've found preschool a mixed bag, and not something to get stressed over. The preschool my kids have attended is rated as outstanding; it does have wonderful facilities, lovely staff, a whole host of activities etc. Like your son, they both attended 6 hours a week.

One daughter adored it, the other not so much. When I read the progress reports, it seemed like both my kids are behind where I think they were, and behind their age expectations at times.

I finally concluded it didn't really matter how preschool rated/scored/evaluated them. Preschool doesn't pass the details onto school, and it doesn't impact their life.

For example, you know your son can kick a ball. You know he's capable, you've seen him do it, and it doesn't really matter what preschool think.

For what it's worth my almost 4 year old is still at preschool. They've noted she's not interested in books, and so she's been scored really behind on whatever category that falls in to. In contrast, she spends a lot of time reading at home and is beginning to read by herself (she's learned from her sister). I asked her why she doesn't like books at preschool...she just shrugged and said "I don't want to".

What I'm saying it, don't over think it. If he's going and having fun, that's all that matters. And forest school is brilliant. My kids love it, although the days with marshmallows on the campfire are rated the best.

This sounds a bit ridiculous, what does it matter if he's "meeting educational milestones"? Surely at the age of two if you're concerned about his development (it doesn't sound like you need to be) you speak to your health visitor and that is that. This is surely a total waste of time for the nursery staff, what a pain.

Ask them if you can go in for a day, or send them videos of him doing all the things they haven't seen. There is such a wide range of abilities at this age, that he has time to learn the expectations of a pre school. He settled quickly, which means you have made him feel secure enough to manage without you, which is great. Just give them some feedback and give him a bit of time.

@RebelWitchFace Of course I do loads of things with DS, but I don't want my days to now we need to do this for evidence or to be all "do it again so I can film you." I do take some photos and videos of DS, but I try to live in the moment.

@Scotinoz That's really interesting about the reading. It's how's how different they can be at preschool.

I guess preschools have to use this approach to flag children who generally delayed and maybe their parents haven't noticed issues. As my only child I wasn't prepared for the assessment side of sending him. It feels competitive, but I know I'm only feeling that as he's not stuck on 'emerging ' I think they call it It sort of describes how they see him, like a turtle poking his head out it's shell.

He has only been there since September. It takes some kids quite a while to warm up when they start nursery. My ds was similar; took until spring time to seem confident at nursery, always behind with his milestones and not always interested in engaging with the set up activities which would give them the evidence to tick him off.

He is doing fine now, I just understand that he takes a while to settle into a new setting is all.

I don’t think this has anything to do with attachment parenting (we very much took that approach with both of ours and no issues at nursery and they both started before 1). It sounds like he just needs a bit more time to settle in and frankly just a bit of laziness on the part of staff. Not all children do all things at exactly the same speed. It sounds like he just needs more time. It’s not all about assessments. Unless there are grave concerns, I would just leave him to it for 6 months and see how he gets in once he’s a bit more settled. 6 hours a week is not much time at all and it sounds like expectations are perhaps a bit too high all around.

If your records are kept online can you upload your own photos and videos of him doing the things you say he can do but doesn't show them? You should be able to. The key worker can then see this and will be able to assess what she can see in line with the Eyfs. It can be really helpful for a child who is a little shy in the setting. With gentle encouragement, maybe talking about a video clip of himself at the park, he will soon find his confidence at nursery.

The attachment parent part of the thread, is me wondering if being so attached means that DS isn't as confident to do things without me. But if it's normal for DC to take time to warm up to preschool, then I won't panic.

Sorry I see you've already mentioned that. Try not to see the assessments as criticism. It's not. They will be looking for progress and trying to support your child in all areas of development. Work. With them if you can. It's just about making sure your child is reaching their potential. All early years settings should be working to these guidelines so if you're really unhappy about it you may have to pull him out completely which would be a shame for the social side.

Try not to see the assessments as criticism. It's not. They will be looking for progress and trying to support your child in all areas of development
^^ this
My Ds2 was like this - such a chatty and curious child at home (though also quite cautious and not that open to new things at first), but completely clammed up at nursery. 6 hours is not much, they're not trying to tell either him or you off, just to help gather notes that might help his development either if you were to say that he also struggled at home, or if he is showing signs of any issues later.

They sound good, and it sounds like he'll get there too. Often I think with an attached child, it's because what they need more than you - my DS3 had all the same opportunities with slings etc but was a tiny extrovert from virtually day 1, and now toddles off happily anywhere, while ds2 is 5 and still needs my presence a lot more. Sounds like you're doing a great job being the mum he needs.