I'm worried that my relationship with 3 year old daughter is going downhill.
First a bit of background because I think its relevant. I got pregnant early last year and had severe morning sickness plus a host of other ailments which meant I was exhausted and sick all day every day. I went from being a fun, playful and engaged mother to being absent, distracted and tired. I tried, but as she gained energy I lost energy, and found I couldn't keep up with her. I resorted to a lot of Cbeebies and ipad and Dad took over entertaining her on day's he wasn't working.
I developed preeclampsia towards end of pregnancy and was admitted to hospital for much of the last 5/6 weeks. DD1 stayed with dad and other close relatives and was fine with it, seemed in good form. We had coslept until about 6 months into my pregnancy when she moved, relatively seamlessly, into her own room. She still woke up at night but dad tended to her during the time I wasn't there.
I had the baby nearly a month ago and returned home. DS1 has been fantastic with new baby and has been overall in good form again despite a lot of upheaval and the understandable turmoil of a new sibling. She still starts the night in her own room but with dad back to work she comes into me when she wakes during the night. This could be up to five or six times a night, and this has always been the case. She's never been a "good" sleeper and rarely would sleep 8 hours uninterrupted. When she wakes up it could be for any reason from wanting to get up and watch cartoons at 3am to wanting a bottle, a change of nappy (she's not night trained) or just wanting to get me up to play. Her sleep, or lack of, dominates the house and we've tried different routines, dropping naps, taking away bottles, Groclock, different sleeping arrangements including an extra bed in my room, whatever. Dad can't do these night shifts with DD1 when he's working because of a long commute and long hours.
So as it is I'm finding my sleep disrupted several times a night not by my newborn (who despite cluster feeding at least returns to sleep after a feed) but by my preschooler who comes into my bed, refuses to go back to her own room (I don't want to force her either because I'm conscious of her feeling rejected with new baby etc), and takes up to an hour to settle back to sleep, meanwhile she wakes the baby and I end up with no rest. Again, this is no different from pre-baby - she has always woken - but I'm aware of the emotions at play during this time. I'm struggling to hold back feelings of resentment from being tired not as a result of having a newborn, being on medication or recovering from a section but because DD1 can't sleep through the night.
I also struggle to entertain her during the day. She is amazing, bright and driven but hugely energetic and persistent. She goes to preschool but its not long enough, I'm exhausted after 30 minutes with her. I need to have a list of activities planned to get through the day.
Sorry about the long post. I want to be a healthier, more energetic and fun person for my daughter like I used to be (kicking football around the park, being engaged) but I just fobb her off while half staring at my phone. I'm always tired. I can't take her out because I'm not back driving and because she often refuses to continue walking (or scooting, on buggy board) if we go out with the pram and I can't physically drag her away I am sort of housebound.
I want to be more "mindful", enjoy her like I used to instead of counting down the minutes until she's at preschool. If she slept it would help because I'd be less tired...but...
Today I found her just randomly crying, like real tears not her usual whiny cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I wish daddy was here, I'm sad when it's just you and me". It broke my heart! She definitely picks up on my mood and general lack of enthusiasm.
Anyway, any advice much appreciated. Thank you