I've NC-ed for this as this may be identifying for my DS.
I'm just seeking some advice really - or some wise words from those who've been there before me that this can change.....
Background - He is 4 and is in his first year of school. He is young for his year (e.g. summer born). We have one other child, DD, who is just 1 -year younger.
First of all, my DS has the capacity to be wonderfully loving, kind, and caring - and please note, he does this things daily, and often in varying circumstances and situations. He can be incredibly thoughtful, funny, generous, and 'squidgeable'.
But, he is also an incredibly strong-willed child - both of them are actually, but we seem to be in a rut where DS can be incredibly unkind to others. Saying spiteful things, lashing out (hitting/kicking/slapping) when he is angry and cross, and - his favourite - throwing things/destroying his stuff in anger. I collect him from school every day and watch how he and his friends play together before we leave, and I find it heartbreaking. He can be EXTREMELY unkind and aggressive when playing etc. Shoving/slapping/pushing the others when he doesn't get his own way. I don't believe we've raised him to be spoiled but he lashes out so quickly, he's like a firework - he just explodes. I try and talk to him about it, and he will blow raspberries/scream in my face/even hits me on occasion because he's not getting his own way.
Yesterday, after school, his teacher made a point of discussing this with me - talking about, specifically, how unkind he is presently being towards his friends. I'm actually in tears as I write this..... kindness, and the importance of being kind, is - aside from happiness - the only thing we've ever wanted to impress on our kids and I feel extremely sad that we seem to be failing him.
Most of all, I feel extremely responsible for this, and that this is all actually my own fault.
I am not a 'smacker.' I have never once hit my child. Shortly after DS was born, I was blindsided by Post Natal Depression. It hit me very hard, very quickly, and I have struggled with it for the years since he, and DD, were born. I feel well now. I have had therapy, and lots of love and support and I feel better than I have felt for a very very long time. But I feel as though as a result, my parenting has fallen below par. I feel completely responsible for this current situation; primarily because I have yelled when I shouldn't. I have not been 'present' when playing. I have dismissed many whines, and whinges far too casually when perhaps I should have been offering hugs but just getting through the day was all I could manage etc.... and so the list goes on.
I can see the link, obviously - In the past, yelling has been a go-to emotion for me when I got cross. And because, as can be the way, there is no immediate change in behaviour/action, I would yell louder in order to 'make myself heard.' I know it's not the right approach, and I know it's ineffective. I have no excuses, I've just struggled to work my way through things and suddenly, here I am, 4 years on still not 'nailing' it.
Anyway, at the end of last year, I realised how much of my day was spent in 'yelling' mode and how quickly I would default into that, and I how truly awful that must be for my children, so I decided to make a very conscious choice to yell no more. I'm trying to approach everything with calmness, and empathy, and I have to say, there have been some wonderful changes, and I have been feeling extremely positive and empowered in making, and carrying out, that choice. We are a calmer home. We are a calmer family. I appreciate that there may be many reading this who can't understand why a parent would yell at their child in the first place, and in truth, I can't offer a rationale, but I am working really hard on making this a permanent, positive change for us all.
However, whilst this has had some positive effects for us as a family, I'm not seeing this being 'paid forward' I suppose in the way he behaves towards others and DH seems to think DS is now just seeing me as 'soft.' I feel so desperately sad that I have not helped DS in any way towards understanding 'emotional regulation' I suppose. His outbursts and unkindness all centre around his perception of injustice, or not getting his own way - for example, playing tag, and someone tags him when he's not looking......he feels that's unfair, and will lash out at whoever has just 'tagged' him etc. Or when he's drawing a picture, or playing a game and it's not going as he wants, he'll rip it up or throw his toys literally across the room in rage. He is rarely seeking these scenarios - for example, he would never proactively hit or be unkind to someone. These are all REACTIVE situations. There is always a trigger but how do I help him manage his reactions? How can I better guide him to not lash out/fight/say unkind things?
Previously, I'd have shouted and told him this was wrong, given a time out/removed a toy etc. Now I'm trying the AHAparenting approach of empathy/understanding/explaining how that may make a person feel etc and offering a hug, and this seems effective when I'm with him (despite DH loathing this 'airy fairy' approach - although he is going along with it for now). But what about when I'm not? It's clearly not helping him at school etc.....
As I'm writing I realise I don't really even know what I'm asking for here. I don't really know what I am hoping anyone can tell me. I just feel very hopeless at the moment and I wondered if anyone else had had a child who might be unkind, and unruly, regularly, and how they helped him/her manage their emotions and not react so extremely. I want to re-emphasise at this point how amazingly kind and loving he CAN be and IS often, to me, to DH, to his sister, and, yes, to his friends and beyond, but I feel this gets lost sometimes amidst these outbursts etc and I just want to find ways I can better help him level his emotions out.
Further notes, DS does NOT have any additional needs, and we have tried time outs/reward charts etc and these have ZERO effect. He is simply not engaged/interested. We live very rurally, with no family close by, and DH works away all week so any suggestions for improving his ability to empathise/show kindness that I can do solo, with DD too would be most welcomed. I'm just not really sure what to do. I know 'not yelling' is not THE answer. I know I need to remember he is 4. I know I may be expecting too much, or perhaps too little. I don't know.
I feel quite alone.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Thanks x