DH putting pressure on me to BF

[Tobebythesea]

I’ve not given birth yet but I’m 3 months pregnant with number 2. I desperately tried breastfeeding with my first for a month and sought the advice of many health professionals but to no avail. I felt like a failure and was very unhappy and sore and exhausted from constantly pumping. It turned out our baby had CMPA and was diagnosed at 3 months.

My DH is really pushing me to try with the next baby and I’m really not keen. Feeding felt like glass slashing my nipples. I’ve talked to a lot of mum friends and never heard anything good about BF. It’s all been negative but it’s best for the baby.

My reasons for not wanting to BF I know are mostly selfish. I know of a few friends forced to continue BF as the baby didn’t take a bottle. I had PND and the idea of being ‘stuck’ being near the baby for months and months day and night is terrifying. Mastitis, bleeding, constant demands for little feeds (after months, not a new born). I know I’ll be there feeding for hours exhausted while my DH snores loudly beside me, resentment brewing. i know it’s selfish. I just want a more positive experience than last time. Any experience or advice appreciated.

You will have many people encouraging you try etc etc. Just don't do it.
Your DH should not be pressuring you at all.
I breastfed my first, ended up a mess, PND etc etc.
When pregnant with 2nd I said no way was I putting myself through that again. My DP didn't offer any opinion as it was my decision alone to make and he had seen the aftermath of first attempt!

2nd baby was bottle fed. I was happy, baby was happy. That's all that matters. The only thing I was sad about was that I felt I had missed out enjoying DC1's first few weeks.

I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience. You should do whatever feels right to you. It’s your body so only you can decide.

On the other side though breastfeeding honestly isn’t always awful. In fact it can be a really lovely experience for mums as well as babies and your new baby might well be one of those babies that latches beautifully from the first day and never causes you any pain. I loved breastfeeding and with the use of lots and lots of lansinoh found the harder early weeks ok despite a pretty bad latch that only improves when my baby grew a little.

Have you thought about combination feeding? Start formula straight away so you don’t have the risk of bottle refusal and you can have more help from the beginning but still do some breastfeeding alongside but only for as long as it is comfortable and suits you? You might not feel as pressured to keep going if it isn’t working out for you if you were already using formula alongside.

But if you don’t want to risk a repeat of your experience last time that sounds totally reasonable too. Only you know what’s right for you.

Congratulations and I hope whatever you choose you have a nicer experience of the newborn period this time.

Dont feel pressured into it, thats the worst! Just tell your husband you dont want to run the (high) risk of getting PND again. Surely he doesnt want that to happen and for you to be stress free? Tell him your mind is made up and you're not doing it.
You could maybe try giving baby colostrum when born but dont even feel pressure to do that.
BF can be SO HARD I totally understand where you're coming from. I BF DS1 until about 16 weeks but some days I was in tears from some of the difficulties it presented. There were times I enjoyed it but it was a bit of a relief when he was weaned off the breast.

Ultimately you need the support of everyone around you, especially DH, on how you choose to feed your baby.

Just don't do it. It's not worth your mental health suffering, your dcs need you to be OK. Tell your dh to sod off, not his body, not his choice.

There's no harm in trying. With my first I tried BF and it was a nightmare-sore cracked nipples, tears (me not the baby), non stop feeding. I stopped after 3 weeks as gave formula and the difference on my wellbeing was huge. Although I remember rocking her to sleep after a bottle for over an hr most nights..

With my second I tried BF again and it's been a completely different experience! I used nipple cream from day 1, smothered my nipples in it constantly. Not had cracked nipples and felt very proud when my DS was weighed and he put a lot of weight on. First 6 weeks are difficult but manageable. My DS is now 3 months and BF is easy. It takes me literally minutes to get him to sleep whilst BF, not hours of rocking.

I also like the fact I'm giving my LO my immune sistem through winter months (he was born in Nov) and plan to stop in June.

From my experience I'd say go into it open minded. If you can BF then great, if it's too difficult there's always formula. Although your hubby shouldn't be pressuring you.

I've BF both of mine for more than 12 months including expressing at work - so for me I had a good experience and I'm glad I did it. If I was one of your mum friends I'd have lots of positive things to say! But that's another matter I suppose.

The main issue is that your DH needs to understand that with two children and a history of PND, there is no way you can succeed in BF without him stepping up and helping you a lot more than he's used to. If he's planning to snore quietly beside you while you are falling apart, it's not going to work.

I second the suggestion to have an open mind and consider combination feeding. I didn't use formula but as I had to go back to work my babies took bottles of expressed milk. I did feel a lot more freedom because I could be away from them at work or for a night out with DH knowing they were dependent on me physically being there. I think combination feeding would give you a break but your baby can still benefit from some breast milk. It doesn't have to be all or nothing breast or bottle - not sure why it's so often presented this way.

If you're not feeling it, particularly after your last experience, then don't do it - absolutely not worth shredding your mental health over!

Might be worth discussing with your midwife to include decision in your notes, so you don't have to go over your reasoning each time.

Hope everything goes well

I am a big advocate for breastfeeding and it's benefits. But I am even more of an advocate for a mother making her own choices, those that are right for her! Do what is right for YOU x

Bf hurt like crazy with dc1 - glass smashing nipples as you put it. Dc2 was completely different and it didnt hurt once. I would say prepare for both options, wait and see how you feel when dc has arrived and give it a go IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT. I always like to have options. But Im probably projecting based on my experience.

Bottom line: fed is best.

I could tell you loads of positives about my experience, however, that wasn't your experience. Your baby needs feeding and bottles are fine. Good luck.

Not his body he doesn't get a say. If he's that bloody bothered tell him he can breastfeed 😂

I did not BF, I got judged by a few people (including my own MIL), even though they did not know my circumstances.

I am on two types of anti epileptic medication, I was never advised I could not breast fed but I did my research and FF was best for me because I wanted to avoid all risks. I know I would not have coped with both learning to breast feed but also worry about meds, my anxiety would have gone through the roof and getting through the pregnancy was bad enough. Despite this my midwife decide to pressurise me to BF

OP to summarise - you do you And your DH should not have a say, it is not his body and as long as baby is fed it really does not matter. Also do not let anyone else to try and force you to BF.

He should support whatever decision you make. I bet if he knew how painful and exhausting it is he wouldn't even suggest it. Men have no idea what we go through!

I had a similar experience to you and to top it off my milk never came in properly and I had to start giving a bottle and that just seemed so much easier for both of us.

I'm in 2 minds about what to do next time. I think if you start, you feel pressure to keep going. You could always try giving the colostrum and also bottle feed. That way baby is also used to taking the bottle right away.

Do what is right for you. But if you can bear it, try and give your new wee one the colostrum at the start. The antibodies will do them the world of good. But dont feel guilty if you can't, it's a huge mental strain that until people have tried it they just cannot understand.

If you do end up breastfeeding make it very clear to DH he is expected to be on duty half the night every night, if baby is hungry he can bring her to you and plug her in, you can sit up and stay sleepy and use a pillow to help you hold her, then lie back down when done and he has to do the burping / rocking back to sleep etc.

Your body, your choice. If you want to give it a go, and he's happy to be supportive, fantastic. But he doesn't get to pressure you when it's not his body doing the feeding.

That said, my bf experience with my first was awful and traumatic. I developed what I now know was undiagnosed thrush. I saw two gps, a health visitor and a bf counselor and they all told me that it wasn't thrush, even though I told them it was. Eventually all the skin peeled off my breasts and I had to stop as I was just a bleeding pus-seeping mess. I approached bf my 2nd differently. I expressed colostrum antenatally so I had a stock ready to go in the freezer. I got nipple shields ready in advance, syringes, cups if I needed to express more. I also had bottles and formula ready in case I needed those. But different baby, totally different experience. It was fine. I even got thrush again and took myself off to the GP the very first day and demanded treatment. I wasn't going to be fobbed off as a 'new mum' this time. And it worked. My 2nd is a year next month and still bf and it's been a breeze.

Having bottle fed one and bf one, bf is by far easier. My bf baby sleeps much better and it's been a much less stressful experience all around this time. So if you want to try, there's no reason not to. There's no reason to believe it will be at all like your first experience. And in fact, I've found the 2nd time around incredibly healing. I no longer feel guilty or negative about my earlier experience. But it has to be your decision, not one else's.

I love breastfeeding now (first eight weeks were tough though!) but breastfeeding does differ from baby to baby. If your second one naturally has a great latch it could be a very positive experience. If you hate it you could stop immediately.

That said, it's ultimately no one's decision but yours. Tell your DH that you'll think about it and then continue on your way.

Breast feeding should be on your terms only. You don't want it to trigger any bad memories and PND for you.

I will say (I only BF for a month with mine), nipple shields are a god send for the glass to nip feeling you were saying x