4 year old DS nervous with new groups/activities

[mockorangey]

I took DS to a free trial class at Razzmatazz yesterday, which is a kind of musical theatre/dance type thing like Stagecoach. The kids are supposed to go into the class without parents, but he wouldn't go in without me, so the teacher asked me to sit at the back of the room, and once he joined in I should leave. Well, he never joined in, there were a few times when he got up and walked towards the group (so he must have thought it looked fun), but he always ended up coming back and sitting on my knee. He was also slouching/lying down/yawning quite a lot, kind of like he was feeling uncomfortable and it was making him squirmy.

It's been the same with other things we've tried. He did a term of swimming lessons last spring. Cried at the beginning of the first couple of lessons, but the teacher let him just watch from the side. Then he did join in bits during the term, and started to trust the teacher more, but was never fully comfortable and refused to do anything the last lesson, so we stopped the lessons.

This time last year we tried a dance class where the parents participate too. He wanted to be carried most of the time. This is despite the fact that he loved dancing at nursery and would teach us all the dances he had learnt at home.

He started reception in September, so we didn't try anything last term. But now I think it would be good to broaden his horizons and just have one class that he enjoys. But I just can't see him joining in with anything.

Anyone have a similar situation and if so how did you resolve it? It seems a shame that he ends up missing out when so many kids have loads of activities going on.

It's hard to know as kids behave like that for a range of reasons. My eldest at 4, (now 6) did not like to join in any type of class and was usually vocally very rude about the whole thing and was so adamant she wouldn't be taking part. I went in with her once or twice then left her too it...tried a bit at a time then she was ok after a few weeks. The odd wobble. My middle is 4 now and she too will not join in. However we are wasting our time because she never comes around. We did in fact give up on 2 classes because she would not participate even after months. They've both been to a wide variety of things and the not joining in is across the board!
Their behaviours and the way they present is very similar but the reasons for them were and are very different. I'd imagine my children aren't really comparable to yours but if you can work out if he's shy, anxious, bored or even if this behaviour is indicative of something bigger then it might help to allay your concerns and enable you to manage it in a way that helps you both.

DS was awful at that age. We ended up distinguishing between the stuff that for us he had to do (swimming) and the nice to haves (football). And for swimming we got through it with a combination of tough love and bribery, neither of which were great. But a couple of years later, he'd grown so much in confidence that none of it was an issue - to the extent he felt he was missing out if he didn't do something.

It's a difficult age, and they're still so little - unless you really want him to do something, I'd say leave it, and come back to it when he's older and more confident. That said, a couple of tough live sessions and he did just get on with it and enjoyed it - but it wasn't nice to go through, and I wouldn't necessarily do it again.

Thanks for your replies. I don't think he's particularly shy, at least not in his normal environment. I think he does find it difficult with new adults and also feels uneasy when he doesn't know what the structure and activities in the class are going to be. I can see this in his reaction to starting school - it took him a few weeks to settle in, but once settled he now loves it. During the first half term he was regularly crying at drop off and disengaged during the day and would not talk to the teachers, as if he didn't trust them. Also knowing the structure of the day obviously helps him as he likes it to be predictable, and he also likes putting up a list of activities that we will be doing at the weekend.

I recognise the tough love approach diamantegal. That was essentially the approach for starting school - there wasn't really any other way - and the swimming lessons. But we always felt conflicted about the swimming lessons.

Distinguishing between the essential and nice to have stuff makes sense. For swimming lessons my current plan is to get him to start again sometime in the next few months, but with a 1:1 lesson. I think the problem with a lot of group classes is that there is no ice breaker or chance to get to know the teacher and they have to dive right in. Hopefully with more 1:1 attention he will feel more comfortable, we'll see.

Other than that I guess we just have to keep trying the odd class every now and again?...

@mockorangey Did things improve over time and how did you encourage your son to get involved? X

Wow, this is interesting to read back! I remember this period well, but it has definitely turned around as DS is now 8 and does (too) many clubs and activities.

I remember after this OP we tried 1:1 swimming lessons, and DS basically sat on the edge and refused to get in for the whole 6 week block😆. Looking back, I guess what did work was gradually chipping away at it - trying different things to eventually find what worked, but not forcing the issue. We obviously gave up on the 1:1 swimming lessons, and instead opted for parent-child lessons which he enjoyed, and around the same age (prior to lockdown) started doing an after school multisport club. Maybe the key was having familiar people, whether parent or other children from school, with him. Similarly, the reason he does so many clubs now is probably largely because he wants to join in with what his peers are doing, as opposed to having strong interests in most of these activities (except football, which he definitely has a passion for).

Are you having a similar experience @poppet131 ?

@mockorangey Only just spotted your reply! Thanks for updating and so great to hear that your DS is keen to get involved in so many things now! We are on the fence as to whether this can be quite typical in a 3-4yo or whether this could be indicative of ASD? We’re in the threenager phase so his meltdowns/tantrums can be in the realm of typical too but we’re keen to figure how out we can best support him… x