Mil always makes me feel guilty for being a SAHM

[JKCR2017]

I am a SAHM to two D.C. DS has autism and DD has additional needs to some degree too. She is speech delayed, has hypermobility and low muscle tone and global developmental delay. OH works and just about earns enough to live comfortably. I’m always up early, DC keep me busy, I’m certainly not lazy... most days I don’t stop from morning til night.

Lately both MIL and her partner have been making be feel worthless about this. They popped over earlier. I was yawning - DD has been up with a cold for a few nights, up at 5.30am today and DS has been on one all day whilst Oh worked. And they ask why I’m tired. I tell them it’s the kids and the early starts then makes a remark saying it’s not like I have to Work 6 days a week. 😬 right.. no I don’t and hats off to you parents who work and bring up your kids. I don’t know how you do it... But being a SAHM means I can’t be tired??

Every time I look tired (which is most of the time) they always remark how they’ve worked for 6 days and I have no reason to be tired.

If she comes over the house is tidy. She makes remarks how I obviously haven’t spent enough time with the kids (b**•shit). I get up at 5-6am every day and have plenty of time to clean and play with the kids but then makes remarks saying the house is only clean because i have ‘all the time in the world’ to do it as I don’t work.

She’s come over when the house has been a tip and she’s complained at that too ^

She’s just always making remarks how I have no reason to be tired, I don’t do bugger all and I don’t have a job. Blah blah..

I have worked and I will work again one day but at the minute it’s impossible between hospital appointments, meetings etc and childcare is ridiculous as well.

Before Christmas, she came over asked if I’d completed Christmas shopping. I told her I had done and she made a remark saying how it’s easy for me as I don’t work and can go shopping with OHs money as I please (🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤛). That’s definitely not true. In fact I find shopping stressful and get most of it delivered.

My life as a SAHM isn’t as perfect as she thinks it is. Having two D.C. with additional needs and an Oh who works long hours and being stuck in the house most days because of crippling anxiety isn’t as great as she thinks it is.

The irony is that she was she a SAHM for years too.

It’s happened so much over the last year or two. I’m bringing up her grandchildren the best I can!! It’s not like I’m sat around doing nothing all day!!

Why are you trying to justify everything?

We don’t need to know and neither does she!!

Repeat after her ‘you think I don’t play with the kids enough?’ Wait for an answer
‘You think the house is a mess?’ Keep going will drive her nuts

I wouldn't have them over unless your partner is home with you. Take the opportunity to bugger off and not entertain them.

Or you could mess with them and make up stories of all the things you've been up to, like the whole box of chocolates you ate, sat on the sofa, while the cleaner worked around you.

Or just tell them straight that they're like a stuck record and quite tedious with their competitive tiredness.

And yes. Anything but trying to justify yourself because they have made up their minds and have no intention of listening.

My exmil was similar. I stopped having her over. Dh took the dc to her house. You really don't have to accept this shit op.

My dad is like this

Reaponding "so you think i dont work hard enough/house isnt x/im not doing enough." Would backfire as hed just say "well ot would all be okay if you were working "

I tried reasoning out my health needs/childcare costs but still any time i asked for suport or even just company or said we were struggling hed trot out how it would be okay if i was working.

It would actually have been 100 times worse/impossoble.

Im quite resentful I dont have a well paid career i can do part time in fact.

And breathe....

Nothing will change their minds. Just remind yourself they're ignorant and silly and try and make their opinion matter less. But its so hard when they're family isnt it!

That's really poor behaviour from your MIL. I don't think you should engage with it at all. I think you should ask your husband if he has been moaning to them about you or the situation. He needs to tell her to STFU.

Agree with pp, do not allow them in the house Until they have learnt some manners! Also, does your partner hear any of this, and if so does he stick up for you?

She thinks it’s easy?
Next time say oh great shall I pop them round Monday at 9 (if school age in the holidays). Me and dh we’re talking recently that we both need a weeks break. 😀

Don’t try to justify your decision. Frankly, it’s not her business

Perhaps ask her

"Did you MIL complain about you the whole time you were a SAHM?"

I think she's just pissed off that she's still working rather than retired...

Do not justify yourself to her. If she was a rude friend you wouldn't keep inviting her would you? Don't accept being treated so badly because you married her ds!!

Thanks all. I usually just let it slide. I cannot stand up for myself at all. But every time she comes over she likes to make a dig. She also says I expect too much of OH with the kids. I don’t make him do anything but fortunately he is a fab dad and likes to be hands on!!

I wouldn't bother having her over unless your dh was there.
My mil is similar always making jabs so I don't send pics in the family group anymore, don't make effort and don't have her round when dh is not around.

If she thinks it is so easy you should ask her if she'd like to mind the kids one day a week and you'll get a one day a week job or volunteer position. I bet it wouldn't last long!

They are being arses.

Does your OH witness any of this OP? Could you gently explain to him that his DM's constant criticisms are affecting your confidence and ask him to speak to her about it? If he hears her make these comments then he should be standing up to her and challenging her.

I'd stop answering the door. If she questions why then tell her she will be welcome back once she's decided to stop with the snarky digs.

I had a similar situation when on mat leave I took over a year off my mil kept making jabs about most people go back after 4 months etc. (She was a SAHM) I considered taking longer or a career break but anytime I mention ANYTHING that would result in me working less hours or more time off she thought it was a bad idea. (She was due to mind dd a day a week and first grandchild)

I ended up snapping at her and let it all out about how she'd made me feel. She said something and I just exploded a years worth of bottling it all up came out. It wasn't pretty. I wish I'd spoke to her sooner about how she was making me feel and it didn't come out the way it did.

So my advice would be just to talk to her she probably doesn't even realise it. My mil didn't we both apologised and we are fine but I see her less. If you can't talk to her the seeing her less is the answer we have a better relationship now I only see her an hour or so a week

Yes, my MIL was exactly the same. Funny because before I became pregnant she would complain about all these women going out to work, wanting it all and its the kids that suffer. When I became pregnant she came up with the idea that she and SIL would take it in turns to look after my baby when I go back to work. When I told her that I wasn't going back to work until baby starts school she told me that it was unfair on my husband and basically berated me for being lazy/selfish/impoverished. Truth is, we both wanted me to be at home with baby and my husbands wage was more than enough for us to live on.

I think the reason behind her attitude (and not wanting me to breastfeed) was simply because she couldn't take control of the new baby.

You don't need to justify your decisions to stay at home and i would put her on an information diet. It might also be a good idea to let your DH deal with her on her turf and give you a few hours break. x

@Vasilisa19 do we have the same MIL 😂 mine didn't want me to breastfeed either

@Becky1987 I can't think its anything other than a control thing. I suspect OPs MIL had a fantasy of playing no.1 granny whilst DIL is out of the way.

What a horrible cow! Please stand up for yourself OP. Let her know if she wants to insult you in your own home she can leave and not come back.

You don’t need to justify yourself! How disgusting of her, what does your husband say? I hope he doesn’t let his mother talk to you like this and say nothing.

Easier said than done, I know but would love you to stand up for yourself, I would not be able to hold my tongue.
You don't have to justify your choices to anyone. You are doing what best for your children. You sound like you have a great husband. Just tell her you and your husband are happy with your set up and until you are asking her to finance it, could she kindly keep her negative comments to herself.