I hate my husband

[weepy]

I hope it is just my hormones but since having my twins I just hate my husband. What little he does is just always wrong and everything he says and does drives me crazy. Every day I love the babies more and more and hate him more. I have started to fantasise about leaving him and then he does soemthing nice and I feel really guilty. But generally he is selfish and no help at all and I am exhausted from being angry with him.

weepy, when dh is feeding a baby, why do you pass him the bottle, tissues etc? Can't you just tell him what he needs, then "I have to go to the loo, back in a minute", then disappear (With other twin if necessary), until he's finished. After you have done this once or twice, he'll be able to do it on his own.

Look, sometimes our men expect to be bottle fed too, we have to just put our foot down, and not do it.
TBH, I think most couples have had a shouting match in the early weeks cos dad doesn't know how much/what to do. Would it really hurt if one day you just lost your temper and yelled at him to do it properly? You might get some stress relief, and he might know not to pussyfoot about so much.

weepy, when dh is feeding a baby, why do you pass him the bottle, tissues etc? Can't you just tell him what he needs, then "I have to go to the loo, back in a minute", then disappear (With other twin if necessary), until he's finished. After you have done this once or twice, he'll be able to do it on his own.

Look, sometimes our men expect to be bottle fed too, we have to just put our foot down, and not do it.
TBH, I think most couples have had a shouting match in the early weeks cos dad doesn't know how much/what to do. Would it really hurt if one day you just lost your temper and yelled at him to do it properly? You might get some stress relief, and he might know not to pussyfoot about so much.

Easy just because weepy has twins doesn't mean you have to tell her everything twice

doh, sorry haven't done that in ages!

weepy - go on a housework strike and either sleep or see to your twins. tell dh this is because you are too tired to do the housework. Also suggest that if dh is too exhausted to give you the necessary help at night, is he prepared to pay for a mother's help/au pair to give you a hand.

GO ON HOLIDAY !!!!

It will still feel like a rest doing the baby stuff somewhere else and will surely lift your spirits, and the house work won't be there

Me and dp and dd (4 months then) went on holiday in June (long flight - 8 hours) but to a very comfy hotel. About 3 days into the holiday DP said to me 'You know I had no idea how much you had to do for 'dd' all the time, its pretty much constant isn't it' He then swore to help more - which meant he gave her a bath the next two evenings but then went back to normal.

Now I am not complaining because our dd is a very easy baby - cries very little, sleeps pretty well and generally easy to sooth. Also my DP is VERY busy running a start-up and I am loving, loving, loving getting a few months bunking off work. But it was nice that he noticed.

I think it NEEDS the holiday though because we were all together 24-7.

I mean since he is offering - take him up on it.

I think with twins it would be lots of work but just pack very lightly i.e babies don't really need any toys to play with - find a paper cup and some straws when you get there - hours of entertainment......

Weepy, reading your message, it could be me talking 7 years ago when our twin boys were babies. I used to get really angry when I read stuff like lack of partner support being one of the main causes of PND (which looking back I did have but didn't seek medical help with).

All I can say is it will get much, much easier fairly soon. Twins are a massive challenge. I remember being so angry and sleep deprived that I once tried to smash my own head against our bedroom wall! They are lovely boys now - still not without their challenges - but genuinely worth all the hellish times.

This is what saved my bacon in those early days -
going to so many mother/baby groups - anything local that was easy to get to - that I finally found a couple of lovely & likeminded women with similar aged children to hang out and have a laugh with (one used to bring cigs round to our house for me which I'd chuff madly on the balcony). Twin clubs can be good way of making contact although I didn't strike lucky with ours -found NCT group better.

The other thing was going back to work part time (2 days a week) when the boys were one which gave me a breather & some sanity so I could enjoy the boys more.

Have yo contacted twins and multiple birth association (TAMBA)? They have twin club lists and helpline, try website, sorry don't have link.

Things with my dh did improve very slowly, very glad we stuck together, tho the boys did test us to the very limit.

Good luck - things will get better xxxx

a word of warning about the day trip - I took mine out for one at about that age - it was lovely - until we got home and they were overtired and yelled for 2 hours .

Try and make sure you make some time for them to sleep when they need to.

Also try going over to the forums on www.twinsclub.co.uk - everyone there has been through it and may have some more advice on how to get DH to be more involved in a useful way.

If you are bottle feeding then try going out for the day on Saturday and leave him with the twins - that way he will realise what it is really like.

Also there really is no reason why you can't go to bed early and he looks after the babies in the evening - you take over in the night so that he gets enough sleep to function at work the next day. And on Saturday night you get a whole night off and he does them.

Also if you are bottle feeding figure out a way to prop them both up and feed them at the same time. Or you both do it together and deal with one each.

ps - tell him being shattered is part of being a parent of young babies - it does get better and really doesn't last long (despite what it feels like when you are in the middle of it !).

Weepy - having two babies at once is a massive challenge for anyone and it really does put a huge strain on your relationship with your partner. I have twin DDs (now 3.5). Going from just the two of us to a family of four really knocked me sideways.

Your DH needs to know how physically and mentally exhausting looking after two babies is - leave him with them for at least an afternoon this weekend and let him get on with it. They'll be OK and he'll be amazed how difficult it is and hopefully will muck in more.

weepy hang in there, my dh was similar at first and wondered why i was so tired - was i sleeping too much! eventually he got the hang of how hard it is and following a chat with a health professional was willing to do nights it makes such a difference to catch up on sleep
at weekends now that ds is sleeping through we take it in turns to give him breakfast and at least one or two mornings a week he gets ds up - he now understands that looking after ds is harder than his job! and he has come to love and bond with ds in a way i don't think he would have had he not looked after him so much

He is just UNBELIEVABLE. So we went for the daytrip to the seaside. it was dark and grey as we left but he said not to worry. So we got there and parked up and I said we needed to feed the babies ASAP and he just wandered around aimlessley before suggesting we just sit on the beach and do it there. (Much rolling of eyes and sighing ensued). Finally we found a nice pub with a garden and the kids were asleep so we ordered. Just as the food arrived they both woke up so my mum and I fed them and watched our lunches go cold as he ate his and said "leave them to cry for a bit, it won;t do them any harm, you lunch is getting cold" Grrrrr. Finally hefinished stuffing his face and took over and made such a hash of it that I almost bt through my tongue and finally snapped when he made dd sick through his crappt technique. So we went back to the car in silence to get the baby carriers for a walk on the beach. He has never used or even seen one before so he tutted about how badly designed they are and assured me I must be putting it on wrong. By the time we were done it started to rain and the kids were crying so we got in the car and came home. Back home safely he announced that he had enjoyed the day out. It is just like talking to a brick wall where the kids are concerned. Final straw was when he complained that we never have time for "a cuddle" AS IF! Highlight however was when a seagull dod a bit brown sh1t down his back and I almost wet myself laughing.

I really want to just leave the kids with him but I know he will deal with them his way ie leave them crying while he sees to himself first and then he will tell me how easy it is. As far as he is concerned things like housework are irrelevant anyway so me leaving that stuff doesnt have any impact as he barely notices.

In the meantime he is getting really stressed with his job and complains that I dont support him enough because I wont listen to his problems for hours on end. He is just so immature about work and seems to think that he is really hard done by because he has to earn a living doing a crummy job that he hates, to support his family. He's the biggest chauvinist ever but when it comes to work and money etc he comes over all womens-lib and says it should all be 50-50.

Thankfully my mum is here to stay for a few days now and then I am taking the kids to my mums for a fortnight. She is a godsend, but of course dh just complains that she takes over.

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh.

Weepy I symphathise with you but having lived tho a dh having a job he hated and feeling he had to stay there is there any way you can encourage him to change jobs or do an eveing course - it sounds daft but it is possible his lack of self essteem/ his feeling unfulfiilled t ork are affecting how he is at home . Thsi reads very incoherent will try and post later . My dh is now reformed and hppy agin as are all of us cos he changed jobs

feeding babies is not an art form many fathers do it - no one taught me how to do it and bottle feeding isnt one of those things that comes naturally. if you dont like his technique you need to teach him the way you prefer or he will never get it. your husband obviously isn't getting enough practise with baby things and feels distanced from the children. so give him the practise. make one feed a day his. ask him to dress thekids and sort the bugy out so you can walk to the shop for a loaf of bread and have a chat. let him change the kids sort the bags out, sort carriers out when you go for a weekly shop together. parenting isn't rocket science, if it was there wouldn't be a human race.

mayb then in return you could show your interest in helping him find another job - solooking up jobs on the internet. helping him write out a cv etc.

as human beings there is nothing worse than not feeling you are beinglistened to. you obviously feel that way as does your husband.

my dh and i always made sure we had time to talk - a walk to the shop works for us we do nothing but talk about rubbish but we talk.

if something is realy getting on my nerves i turn the tv off and tell him i need to talk. occasionally i get rolling of the eyes and then i just say we can either talk about it now or you can wait til i have PMT and i find the biggest knife...so he laughs and says "your right"

it sounds like your tired and pissed of and so is he. its give and take

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