I hate my husband

[weepy]

I hope it is just my hormones but since having my twins I just hate my husband. What little he does is just always wrong and everything he says and does drives me crazy. Every day I love the babies more and more and hate him more. I have started to fantasise about leaving him and then he does soemthing nice and I feel really guilty. But generally he is selfish and no help at all and I am exhausted from being angry with him.

oh you poor love

I don't know much at all about your husband and what kind of man he is or his motives or intentions so I can't pass judgement, but if it's any consolation the mere sound of my husband breathing irritated the bejeezus out of me for a couple of weeks after I had my kids.

It is SO hard to think about anything else than the baby, particularly two I should imagine, and the very idea of them and their foolish ways is overload.

All things being equal this should get better, however, as I say I don't know if your husband really is awful or it is the fun and games with hormones and enormous change to your life just at the moment.

HTH

PS I once did something extremely spiteful and childish with a bottle of Thai fish sauce in my DH's office shortly after my DS2 was born, can't remember what DH had done to deserve it but, by crikey he deserved it at the time.

So sorry things are tough, weepy. How old are your twins? How was your relationship before they were born? Is your husband unhappy with things as they are? Lots of questions but I'm trying to work out whether this is about you both struggling to cope with your new situation and how it affects your relationship, or whether it's something more fundamental and long-term. Either way, the stakes are high for all four of you: you need his support, he needs to be properly involved with his kids, your babies need their parents working well together. Are you and he talking this through? If that isn't working, have you considered some outside help e.g. Relate? Finally, how are you in yourself? Having twins must be exhausting - are you getting enough sleep/rest/support?

so do i weepy. he's a complete @@@@- same as yours then he'll do one nice thing and i feel a bitch. i'm going back to work tomorrow and he's stayed home to support me. i'm really weepy etc and the bar steward just bought up going to see his mum (there was a massive barney 3 weeks ago- she's a bitch with me and turned up out of the blue after 18 weeks absence- at tea time with guests) anyway that's another story but he knew damn well i'd be stressed about that so what does he do?? bring that up and start an argument.
the only reason i don't leave him is that normally he works most of the time (today is the first day he's been home for any length of time in about 6 weeks) when he's not here we're fine on the phone (he comes home every day for about an hour)I wish i could leave him but i don't trust him with dd. she's only 7 months and i'm scared that he'd accidentally hurt her by not being careful enough. she's crawling and is into everything. i'm scared of him taking her in a car because he speeds - boasts to me how he does 130 in this clapped out old mr2 that he's got. he smokes and even though he doesn't smoke in front of her now who's going to stop him if i'm not there? we've got loads of other issues as well- won't hog your thread with it- it's so odd that i came on here today and saw your header- cos that's exactly how i feel. he left me before i found out i was pregnant, when i was 8 months pregnant and the other week. my biggest regret in life is that i took him back the first time- if i hadn't he need never have known about dd and i could have got on with rest of my life. so sorry for hogging your thread but i just needed to vent my spleen.

Weepy, I'm sure it's just your hormones, not to mention the stress and lack of sleep dealing with 2 babies (I'm assuming they're young). I don't know anything about your husband but it sounds like it's just a case of him irritating you, not that he's a bad person or doing anything terribly wrong. Can I suggest that you remember to be grateful that you have a husband? It's not a nice thought, but what if he got run over by a bus tomorrow? Be thankful for what you have.

In the meantime, would it be possible to get a break from your kids? That must be such hard work.

Hi weepy,
Poor you? Just wanted to say Im sorry.

I wont say I know how u feel but my dp is a s**t so I have some idea what your going through.

Have u seen my thread on feeding himself to sleep, my 8 month old boy is such hard work, mumsnetters have suggested dp helps more to stop him suckling all night when hes not really hungry. I didnt want to admit at first that he left he has. I am 3 months pregnant and used to think he may as well leave because he wouldnt help with the baby or housework but I am finding it impossible on my own so please dont do anything rash unless he's making you so unhappy you really do think youd be better off without him.

Hugs

twins are tough - i know mine are 19 months - how old are yours ? I really couldn't contemplate doing it without my DH - although there have been times when I could have cheerfully thrown him in a river.

What would you want him to do that he isn't ?

i think your probably tired all the time, understandably. you prolly need a damn good sleep and breakfast in bed. tell him. they rarely think of these things.

I have dd twin now 5yrs and it's tough in the early months. The lack of sleep is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I would have done almost anything for just one nights sleep. My Dh did his bit, we took care of 1 each through the night, but this doesn't give you chance to have a full night. Lack of sleep can make you feel different about everybody, I used to hate all my neighbours and anybody who lived nearby who was sleeping when I was up feeding. {blush] Give it time and you might feel differently about him in a few weeks/months.

weepy, how are you?

I feel terrible now because he has been making a real effort for the last couple of days and I am still being a cow and criticising everything he does, but I can't help it. The twins are 4 months old now and they are just so demanding. I struggle to get more than 2 - 3 hours sleep a night because they feed every 3 hours and it takes them so long. Main bone of contention is that husband feels he shoudln't have to help during the night because he works and needs his sleep. Have taken to stomping around noisily and "accidentally" waking him up. He's not a bad man really but I just can't be doing with him coming home and telling me what a bad day he has had and how stressed he is etc etc I just don't care. And I can't complain about my day because he just says he would swap places with me quite happily because he thinks being a stay-at-home-mum is an easy option compared to working. I never realised before we had the kids how we completely fail to commnicate about important things, and now I just can't talk to him at all. But today both twins have been smiling all morning so the world seems a slightly better place.

Weepy, if you are breastfeeding, presumably he has no experience of what it is like to look after two babies all day on your own? And if you are doing the night feeds, no idea how difficult it is to stay human on two to three hours sleep?
If you have tried to explain this to him, and he doesn't get it, then the only thing to do is to leave him to try to manage for a while, or to make sure you wake him up every time you get up at night.
Would your twins take a bottle of expressed milk? If you can face the prospect of expressing, this might be the way to go so that you can get out just for a few hours, even one hour, and he can get a tiny slice of your day to day experience. If not, could you just be elsewhere in the house ? present it to him as a challenge, or explain to him that you've only had two to three hours sleep and you need a nap.
Really hope things start to change for you. I remember how spaced out lack of sleep made me and I only had one baby to deal with.
HTH

weepy, do you feed your babies at the same time? my friend who has twins said things got easier when she started to do that. also - can you express some milk & let your dh look after them for a few hours - say a whole afternoon, just so he can try to comprehend how difficult the job is that you are doing (or even a night )

Hi Weepy. I had a similar problem with my DH refusing to help any of DS night feeds (DS is now 6 months), and he even moved to a separate room until DS slept through. Thankfully DS slept through (by sleep through I mean a solid 6/7 hours) very early - I was very lucky. But during the night feed/sleep deprivation time, I do remember becoming a little hostile if I felt that DH was preventing me from getting to bed earlier,and TBH still feel slightly resentful that he provided (and still does provide) very little attention feeding DS. I think that rather than you hating your DH, he is not providing you with sufficient support and that you are absolutely utterly shattered, and desparately need a break. Never underestimate the effect that sleep deprivation can have on you. If you are not bfing, he should take them for a day, if not overnight, one weekend to give you a complete break for the responsibility. If DH refuses point blank to do any night feeds, then make him do an 11 p.m. ish feed for two, or a 7 a.m. ish feed for two to at least allow you an earlier night or later morning. Also what is happening with the housework? Let the housework go hang if it isn't already and/or get DH to hire a cleaner. Other thing I wonder is whether you might be suffering slightly from PND, and whether you might benefit from having a chat to your GP/HV about this. Has your HV done the PND questionnaire on you?

If it's any consolation I think everyone feels like that at some time during the first 6 months...without the added pressure of twins. When it all starts to get easier which is REALLY soon (4-6) months you can start to rebuild your respect for him.

Men really have no idea what it's like to be so exhausted after pregnancy and birth. My DH tried his best but until I left him with my baby alone for a whole day he really didn't appreciate the extent of it all. Once I had he was so apologetic and his apologies took my anger away in a second.

So...my advice....throw him in the deep end as soon as it's practical...no harm will come to your babies. In the meantime demand hugs, cry as much as you want and don't do anything drastic....now's not the time to become a single parent.

hi weepy,
this was the situation with my dh, i only have one baby, so i'm sure you are more tired!
dh used to tell me to have a nap when ds took a nap during the day when ds was feeding half the night. What he didn't understand was that I couldn't sleep when ds was napping, i never knew when he'd wake, just general stress really.
It nearly broke me, I felt very very depressed.
Now ds is 1yr, he has slept through since 7.5months.
It was only last night that dh finally agreed that he was a bit harsh. He has been looking after ds on his own for half a day here and there, and totally understands that it is so hard to rest when at home all day.
he really feels like a s@~t now and is full of apologies.
I'm sure your dh will realise one day. see if he can take a bit of holiday from work for a few days and he can do everything around the house but feed the babies.
I hope it all works out for you, it is very tiring at first, hopefully the babes will start sleeping through soon.

oops post crossed with decmum, same advice, so it must be good!

Also meant to say that another Mum friend of mine told me about a Relate book called Babyshock! which she bought and helped her to come to terms with what was happening to her relationship...I'm sure reading is the last thing you want to do but maybe you could buy it for him!

Haven't read it but thought you might like to know that it exists...you can buy it online from the relate website....and if there's a relate book about it it proves that you're not alone and what you're experiencing is extremely common and lots, maybe most, men are completely unable to adapt to their new found responsibilities.

Also wanted to say that a great many women lie during the first year of their childs birth about their anger with their partner...the whole female perfection thing...so don't worry if everyone else seems blissfuly happy.

I also felt like you after I had my babies. The baby's face seemed so soft and beautiful and dh looked like an old slab of granite in comparison. I went right off him. But the feelings come back. I imagine twins must be terribly draining. Just hang on in there if you can and try to appreciate what he does to help. If you left him now, you would be doing it all alone.

i cant believe he isn't helping you during the night. thats terrible. he obviously doesnt understand how hard it is. please dump the twins on him at a weekend and sod off somewhere, just so he gets a bit of understanding as to how hard it is trying to rush around whilst 2 kids are screaming.

it really is tough in the first few months with twins - and if you are feeding them yourself then it is extra hard - you are doing a great job.

You need to try and sit down with your DH and explain how tough it really is. He may not be able to change anything but if he can begin to understand then that can help. It is really hard to sympathetic when he comes home complaining about a hard day - I know all you want is for someone to take them off your hands for an hour and let you sleep ! But I work part-time - I know how exhausting it is to come home and have to get straight into twin parent mode - mind you it didn't stop me expecting my DH to do just that !

Can you agree with him that he handles them in the evening and gives you a chance to sleep ? I used to do that with my DH - he took the shift til midnight while I slept, then I took over - it really did help. Maybe you could say that last feed is a bottle feed (either expressed or formula) so that you can really have a break.

You are still recovering from the birth - it is possible you have a touch of depression (more common in twin mums). Can you get any help from anywhere else ?

If you can, really do try and sleep when they sleep during the day - nothing is worse than the sleep deprivation. Also I found my twins at that age would get really miserable if they were awake for more than about 2 hours, and then wouldn't go to sleep easily. They get tired very quickly - so watch out that they are not overtired - you really need to make it as easy for yourself as you can.

Weepy could he at least deal with them one night a week (say a Saturday night when he doesn't have to work the next day), one night's sleep would make the world of difference to you. It does get better though. In the early days it's much harder having twins than one baby but once they are walking (I know seems a long way now but it isn't) it's much easier having twins as they play together and give you a rest. Take care.

I just can't work him out at all. We had a brief chat I didn't want to be a nag and he agreed that he should do more to help especially at night.....so last night he helped with the 3am feed for about half an hour which was enough to take the pressure off me....... then at 6am while I was feeding ds he appeared with dd who had woken him up crying and announced he needed to go back to bed because he was sooooo shattered. She often makes noises in her sleep without really being awake but by the time he had picked her up and brought her down to me she was fully awake and grumpy because she was still tired, and she has been a little madam all day now. He has also "helped" by asking his parents to come over and help. They are well-meaning but not really very keen to get stuck in and I don't know them that well. So this lunchtime i found myself making cups of tea while they held a crying baby each and I tried to stay calm as I told them for the 10000th time to just replace the dummy to end the crying. dh keeps saying how nice it would be to go on holiday (he has no idea what that would involve for me) so as a compromise we are going for a daytrip this weekend. I am hoping the kids will show him what they are really like and he might learn something. I am bottle-feeding byt the way, and he will give them a bottle sometimes, as long as I pass him the baby, bib, tissues, bottle and then clear it all away afterwards. Grrrrrrr.

Weepy, I assumed you were breastfeeding given your husband's lack of help. Having read that you are bottle feeding makes it even worse that he is doing so little to help you. I don't know how you can persuade him to start doing his share though.

Right weepy enough is enough. If you're bottle feeding then there is no reason whatsoever why he can't cope on his own for one day at the weekend while you go out on your own. Have a day off this weekend mn orders.