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Original poster

Longing for another, DP not keen. Feeling sorry for myself!

47 replies

snowleopard · 01/07/2007 21:28

Firstly I know how very lucky I am to have my darling DS. But I've always known I wanted another and now he's turned 2 I'm really feeling it strongly - physical longing, just like the first time.

DP has never been that keen - though he said he wanted kids, it took a lot of persuading to have DS (he just wanted to put it off indefinitely) and now he says he feels he just couldn't cope with the extra effort involved in having another. He's also worried about ASD (he has a brother with it) and other birth conditions, and about being a bad dad because he's not as into it as me (though in fact he's a great dad and far more hands-on than most I know). To be fair he knows I want to and he says he's trying to persuade himself. But after a very reasonable and calm conversation about it today the bottom line is no. Was quite contained about it during our talk, but now I just want to sob and sob (which if i did so to him, would just look like emotional blackmail...)

Would love to hear from anyone who knows how this feels... or even from anyone who's successfully changed their partner's mind on this...

OP posts:

PetitFilou1 · 02/07/2007 13:03

Hello snowleopard
I've changed dh's mind on this (no3 not 2), through persistance and by saying that I just felt desperately sad about not having another despite all the (sensible) reasons not to. However, I have also said to him that if he really felt strongly that we shouldn't that I wouldn't. My marriage is more important and the last thing I want is a dh who resents me and ds/dd 3 as that might end things. I can't conceive at the moment as have an IUD, which is a good job as I would have 'let' it happen otherwise . Dh is very fierce with me that yes but not yet, which I am respecting.......

reindeermum · 02/07/2007 13:09

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I felt FAR more strongly about the baby thing than about dh - If I hadn't been able to persuade him I might have had to resort to other methods

Original poster

snowleopard · 02/07/2007 13:10

Absolutely pf, I want him to agree freely, I wouldn't want to have forced him into it and cause resentment. Especially if something went wrong or there was a birth condition etc - I would need to feel we had both entered into it willingly (though me more willingly probably!)

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Original poster

snowleopard · 02/07/2007 13:12

I can't say sneaky methods haven't crossed my mind RD! But I know it would be wrong

DP actually checks the date on the condoms before using them because he wants to be really careful - that hurts.

OP posts:

AbRoller · 02/07/2007 13:30

I can't sleep with dp anymore. I might be OTT but I feel used when he gets a condom. It's like "I'll sleep with ye because I want to but I'll keep my sperm thanks very much".

Original poster

snowleopard · 02/07/2007 13:45

Not quite at that point Abroller but i do know what you mean.

Conversely though my DP is a bit paranoid that I might just want his sperm and not him. His take on the world is that women are lucky because they can just grab men's sperm, get the babies they want and then bugger off.

He's obviously failed to notice that much of the buggering off is done by his team.

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 02/07/2007 14:26

hi, can i butt in please?

i know exactly how you all feel. i begged, literally, my dp for a solid 18 months about TTC DC3. he repeatedly said no. we had nasty bad bad arguements. i had a coil in too, so no accidents could happen, iyswim.i didnt trust myself.

abroller, i know exactly what you mean about sleeping together and 'wasting' sperm.

anyway, with us, i sat him down one night (last Sept)(18 months since asking for a third) and i explained, no holds barred, how i felt.

That another child was needed. it felt like i needed 3 pairs of shoes, that i had lost a child, 3 dinners, etc. that if we didnt have one, or if he didnt show some understanding, i would resent him. i know i would. its not just his choice.

he proceeded to tell me its his sperm, his child, etc, but his reasons were no more substantial than that. we have enough ££, space, and im a SAHM anyway.

anyway, we agreed it would not be mentioned until Jan.I was talking/crying about it every day and it was getting silly. it would give him unpressured time to think.

In January, before i mentioned anything, he took me aside in a shop (!) and said we could ttc. a day later i had my coil out, and im still ttc now.

there is hope, and sometimes i think it needs a step back.although, believe me, i know its shit when youre there.

cece · 02/07/2007 16:39

DH and I had our last 'talk' last July. He said he would think about it. I haven't mentioned it since and nor has he. I am thinking I should say something soon. I am thinking he is being very unkind not getting back to me. (or perhaps I am being selfish?)

The trouble is he has had depression, is dad is dying so I feel like it isn't a good time to add more pressure to him... But I am over 40 already... I don't know what to do?

Original poster

snowleopard · 02/07/2007 16:46

cece after hearing what everyone's said on this thread I think you and i should both keep it going and mention it again. If we don't, we're letting their feelings be more important than ours. My DP is not as depressed as he was but can be up and down, and we have a 2yo so I'm always thinking it's not a good time - eg I'll bring it up soon but not when DS has had a stroppy day etc - but then when will there be a good time?

I'm impressed by the arguments on here and will be using them. If you do too - good luck.

OP posts:

reindeermum · 02/07/2007 20:40

Cece and snowleopard don't feel bad about talking to him again - you can't help the way you feel. Cece you have been unbelievably patient to have waited a year - that must have been really hard - but he has had his back off time now!

Good luck with ttc scorpio1 x

maximummummy · 02/07/2007 21:47

i keep saying just one more baby just one more go on - but no luck - sometimes i think he may be waivering but it's just wishfull thinking.

i'm considering going back on the pill @ the moment we use condoms or withdrawl but i really don't think i could trust myself

i'm 37 in a week and i know that it's my biological clock tick-tock-ticking but logic doesn't make it any easier - i notice every beautiful round pregnant bump and feel a pang of jealousy my best friend is pregnant @ the moment too but she lives hundreds of miles away so i don't see her often but i'm full of excitment for her but also envious

Original poster

snowleopard · 02/07/2007 22:47

I swear I saw at least 3 new pregnant bumps today among acquaintances I saw on the street, at nursery etc. I'm seeng them everywhere I look!

Maybe trip out tomorrow with a permanently exhausted friend who has a demanding 2yo and a non-sleeping 6mo will cheer me up...

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 03/07/2007 08:21

i do think its fair to ask him again-its a VERY important issue.

i wish you all the best of luck x

Furzella · 03/07/2007 12:08

Oh - lots and lots of sympathy. When the broody hormones start it's so hard to fight them. I agree with lots of the other posters that it is important to make sure your dp really knows how you feel. However, I will just share with you an experience from over the last few years that I have witnessed at close hand.

My best pal got pregnant first time round by accident when she was twenty-six and it was way way sooner than her DP wanted. After having her dd1 my pal was very very keen for a second and her dp wasn't having any of it - felt that he wasn't ready, that the financial commitment was too great, etc etc. My pal pushed and pushed and finally got him to agree to go for a second and she got preg v quickly. The gap was about 2 1/2 years. However, after the birth of her dd2, her dp found it really hard to deal with and they managed to build up a huge amount of resentment between them as her dp felt bullied into having number two and she felt that he was ruining the first few months of her enjoyment of dd2. They nearly split up about it. He adored both dd 1 and dd2 from the start, so this was never taken out on the children, but was absolutely grim for the pair of them. After a big crisis, they managed to talk about it properly and realised that they did still really love each other and wanted to stay together for good, and that although they absolutely could not see each other's point of view, they had to draw a line under it for the sake of their (by now) marriage and children. My pal would really love a third, but has decided that she will only go for number three when and if her dp is ever ready for it - they're now mid thirties. She now feels that while she won't ever agree with his point of view about the kids, she does love him and doesn't want to force him into the position where their relationship is on the line about it.

I have no idea whether this will be at all resonant with you, and really don't mean to be preachy - just hope it might help. Good luck.

Original poster

snowleopard · 03/07/2007 21:43

Thanks furzella! It's good to be reminded why i don't want to force him.

OP posts:

maximummummy · 03/07/2007 22:55

last night i asked dp about it again which freaked him out as i think that he thinks if i haven't mentioned it for a while i've forgotten or longer have these feelings -
so i told him very calmly how i feel and that i won't stop feeling like this and that i know how he feels but just wanted him to know how i felt to -
i feel better for getting it off my chest actually but nothing has changed.

AbRoller · 03/07/2007 23:02

At present my so-called dp is in the kitchen loading music onto his laptop and has said no more than ten sentences to me since he got in. We had a heart-to-heart last night and nothing. General chit-chat and totally dismissing the whole subject by ignoring it. That hurts just as much as his refusal to have another child....fucking silence. It's typical him though, "if I say nothing it'll go away".

Sorry, rant over. I'm going to bed before I scream.

cece · 04/07/2007 13:59

Yes I think DH thinks as it hasn't been mentioned for so long that I have forgotten about it Maybe I should...

AbRoller · 06/07/2007 19:04

I asked dp to read this thread so he'd see I wasn't the only women who experienced these feelings. We've been talking about the possibility of having another child since and.......he's said as soon as we have the house built we can ttc.

I'm so afraid to believe him but he's promised and seems a lot happier now that we've calmly and openly spoken about our individual fears, needs and wants.

I'll live in hope and trust.

I hope you all get the outcome you desire. Best Wishes
Ab

AbRoller · 06/07/2007 19:05

Oops, woman in first sentence.

scorpio1 · 09/07/2007 09:34

abroller- so pleased sometimes it just takes a little extra something, imo.

Othersideofthechannel · 10/07/2007 21:35

Snowleopard, I haven't read all the responses but this was exactly my situation only DS was only 10 months when I started the campaign for number 2. I was so determined that I told DH I was not going to use contraception any more and that it would have to be his responsibility if he didn't want no. 2. Luckily he hates condoms! DD was born 21 months after DS.

DH is a great Dad but sometimes doesn't want to be one and have a bit more freedom/less responsibility for a short while. He is very aware of the sacrifices he has made, although would not be without them. I'm sure a lot of parents are like that if they are honest with themselves. Because of his reluctance to start/enlarge the family, I am willing to give him time off. He goes away 6-8 weekends a year visiting friends who are still single or in couples without family responsibilities. It really recharges his batteries as a father. He is always fantastic with the kids when he gets back.

It IS a lot of extra effort in the first year of having a second one but we have got to the point where DS and DD keep each other company a lot of the time. Your DS is still little and needs constant observation. The workload here has gone down dramatically in the last six months : there are no daytime nappies, they sit on ordinary chairs, sleep in ordinary beds, climb stairs safely. We always have to stay overnight when we visit family due to the distances involved and it has suddenly become so much less hassle, so much less kit to take each time.

By the way, DH has just read your OP and this response and says it is a fair reflection of our situation.

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