Your FT working mum stories?

[Marghe87]

I'd be interested to hear how FT working mums with no close family around made childcare arrangements and career work and whether the kids have somehow suffered of your choice of going back to work after mat leave.

Would you change anything? I don't think I have ever heard anyone regret going back to work (even though it is hard for most) but I do sometimes hear SAHM regretting quitting their careers.

Would you like to share your experience here?

What's your experience Op?

OP it might help if you say why you're asking.

Are you considering whether to go back after Mat Leave? or are you a lazy journalist?

No family help at all - ds has spent one night and a couple of days with family in nearly 13 years.

DH and I make it work by a very equitable partnership, having solid childcare around school until ds was 9 (nursery and then 8-6 wrap around with holiday care at the school). Since then he's been able to walk to and from school by himself and one of us is always working from home.

Things do come off the rails sometimes, usually when I'm travelling for work, but we have had great babysitters - and have had to come up with solutions like ds going to a business meeting with dh in Paris last year!

I had 4.5 months off on ML, and I think that worked out well for us.

My only issue is that holiday care is harder now as ds has aged out of the better run ones, so that can be a problem.

Hi,

I returned to work full time 2 weeks ago after having my firstborn and he is 10.5 months. Although I am only back to work for 8.5 weeks because I am 7 months pregnant lol!
Both my husband and and I are from a village over an hours drive away from where we live so we have no family support close by. Although my mother in law comes up to look after our son one day a week as the childminder is at full capacity on that day. Its a massive help and saves us getting him settled somewhere else, plus I will be having him back at home with me a day or two once the new baby is a few months old.

Going back to work was actually ok and I felt ready for it, although I quite like my job so that helps. Also, there is a lot so be said for adult conversation and a hot cup of tea!! Dont get me wrong, its really emotional leaving your baby after spending almost 24/7 with them and knowing you only have a couple of hours in the evening with them 5 days a week. Full time is difficult. Although I honestly dont think I could be a stay at home Mum, it would be intense!!
After my next baby I am definitely going back part time only, maybe 3 full days. To me thats the balance that would be best for us as a family. We havent worked out how it would be financially and expect to be worse off, but are willing to make the financial sacrafice as its important that I have more time to manage a houshold and spend more time at home with my babies. So I dont regret going back to work but probably knowing that I will be off again soon makes a difference!
My son spent a month (2 x half days a week at no cost) before I went back to work settling in with a childminder and thankfully he loves it there and likes her. Its a relief that he does and its bound to be good for him getting used to her and other kids. We chose a childminder because we felt as he is still a baby, he needs more nurturing and a homely environment that a nursery cant really provide.

Lots of other Mums from the baby groups I went to on maternity leave were so lucky in that their mums were able to help them out several days a week when they returned to work. Its really hard when you dont have family nearby, but hubby and I manage. Its going to be tougher when we have the second baby but my mother in law is very good and said she can come stay with us and travel up and down to help out when she can. She is retired. Unfortunately my Mum passed away a couple of years ago. My sister would help out if we lived closer but she works two jobs and had kids of her own.
We are actually househunting to be closer to our families and in the meantime we muddle through and if we need a break or some help, we either have to travel to stay with them at weekends or they make the journey up.

I am just curious to hear experiences - just started trying for a baby so not really in the position to talk about my own experience yet :)

I went back to work full time when my child was 9 months old. She goes to nursery full time. No regrets at all! She loves nursery and her social skills are excellent as are many other key skills (fine motor, numeracy etc). We enjoy time together before and after nursery and at weekends. Our closest family members are an hour away, they don't help with childcare. We've never asked them to.

I plan to do similar with my second child.

My story is a bit all over the place. I was very lucky to have a year off on maternity leave before returning to my old job. I changed my hours to three days in the office and one from home however, I was still commuting for over 2 hours per day and had significant issues with the job I returned to so left for a full time 5 days a week role which was 5 minutes up the road, this worked really well for me as I had some time in the morning and evening with DS.
After a year I wanted more time with my DS before he went to school and also to support my partners business I went self employed. I now wouldn't change this as it gives me so much flexibility.

I am a bit terrified as we don't have family nearby and both will need to work FT to afford a baby. My employer can potentially be flexible on wfh 1 day a week and could perhaps ask to leave the office 30 min earlier to make nursery pick up if I then reconnect at night (as this is what a colleague of mine has been doing after returning from mat leave) but nothing more than that. Some days everything feels "easy" and possible, some others I am terribly scared it will be the hardest thing ever.

If the two of you commit to making it work, you will. DH and I both knew our jobs weren't PT friendly, and so when we decided to TTC we agreed that the priority was the baby, our marriage, and work - we knew that everything else would have to take a backseat to those things.
It would have been easier with some help (it still would be tbh), but we've managed through all sorts of things

@CMOTDibbler Thank you. I too hope it is all doable and that we can also have some fun along the way :)

It's not a 'story'. It's just what most people do, surely? I have no female friends with or without children who don't work FT, and not one lives anywhere near their families. All childcare is paid for. It's expensive, yes, but it gets cheaper as the child gets older.

Both parents if it's a two-parent situation need to be flexible to cover pick-ups and drop-offs and occasional sickness and snow days etc. It doesn't fall to you because you have a vagina and your brain has turned to mush because you had a baby. DH and I both have senior professional jobs that are not 9-5.

And surely no one has actually believed that tiresome, misogynistic old chestnut about children with working mothers 'suffering' for several decades, now?

Just looking again at your OP, OP. No, going back to work hasn't hard at all for me, other than that it involved figuring out logistics, and both of us being very aware of one another's calendars.

Went back FT after 8 months, husband took a month shared leave. No regrets, child in nursery full time 5 days a week, really enjoys it there and is a very happy child, lots of friends, doing excellent with all development milestones and the EYFS targets. We're lucky we can flex when we arrive/leave work if needed and can work from home if any illness, nursery also has very good hours.

Went back FT after 8 months, husband took a month shared leave. No regrets, child in nursery full time 5 days a week, really enjoys it there and is a very happy child, lots of friends, doing excellent with all development milestones and the EYFS targets. We're lucky we can flex when we arrive/leave work if needed and can work from home if any illness, nursery also has very good hours.

@Parthenope of course it doesn't just fall on the woman. My husband's job is less flexible than mine, not because he doesn't want to ask, but because of the nature of the job itself. He cleans and tidies up the house way more than I do and I know and I know all the tasks will be shared 50% between us. It is just the working pattern that tends to be more flexible in my office/profession.
I was curious to know how other people did it because I read a lot about being a sahm or working pt as the only solution on this forum.

DH works from home.
I work afternoons 4-9.30 .

No family, no help. We manage.

Marghe, I simply said that because a depressing number of responses to these kinds of threads behave as though the childcare bill is the woman's problem solely, and as though she's 'naturally' the one who'll give up work if the sums don't work, or 'naturally' be the one who goes part-time. I genuinely do not encounter this attitude in real life. Not one of my female friends ever contemplated downplaying her career when she had a child, any more than their male partners/spouses did.

The idea that women 'having it all' (by which they mean parenthood and meaningful work) is impossible is a damaging myth. Men have worked FT in demanding jobs while also being parents for years, without anyone suggesting this was some kind of impossible, grabby, selfish dream.

Sorry, this sounds as if I'm hectoring. You haven't suggested you think any of these things, you just sounded rather dubious about managing to work and have a child.

@Parthenope yes, that's what I think too. And I am always upset those type of comments come from women rather than from men! It's like you either give up your work (or work PT) or you are a bad parent and you can't have it all. It is very discouraging as it makes me think I am being too optimistic to think I will be able to go back to work FT and be a present mother and a happy wife at the same time :/
I will make my best to make it work as this is what I believe in. I just wish there were more people out there thinking the same so we wouldn't still have to fight for it so much.

Personally, I am a much happier mother and wife when I am also kicking ass in career terms.

I just wish there were more people out there thinking the same so we wouldn't still have to fight for it so much.

I honestly only encounter this attitude on Mn, not in my real life. If anything, I would say the women I know have been more productive, if anything, after they've had children. See if you can be around working mothers who are happy about it, if you're encountering a lot of negativity?

@Parthenope a part from a couple of colleagues, I don't know anyone with kids in real life, that's why I rely on this forum to get some info about this topic - sad, I know :)
I think the different attitude we encounter here sometimes is due to the fact that Mn gathers people from many different parts of the country and perhaps in some regions it is "easier" to be a sahm? I am just guessing. Because in London, not only people can't afford to quit their jobs, but also might be more inclined to have a career, otherwise they would be living somewhere else...?

Went back to work FT on Christmas Eve! No family close by. I'm absolutely knackered!! The baby has been ill with colds since starting nursery so hasn't been sleeping well. Adding that to a full day's work is a nightmare. He's in nursery from 8-6 each day, even then it's a struggle to collect him on time!
It's hard work!!! Partner works in London and commutes each day so is very back until 7pm at the earliest. Desperately trying to justify cutting my hours down!

You’ve made an assumption about working mums- that they are with working husbands. It made economic sense for my bloke to stay at home. I’ve reduced my hours to 0.8 so I can spend more time with baby. I went back at 5 months. I don’t care about putting career on hold at all- you’ll never get these years back and he brings so many smiles- I’m happier at home.

It's shit, but better than being childless obviously.

It's shit, but better than being childless obviously.