Mother in law break down what to do next

[Gemma54]

Hi. I'm a 34 year old woman with 2 children and major mother in law problems.
My relationship with my mother in law and effectively the rest of my husbands family have come to an end. For reasons that are way too problematic to even go into I won't waste time explaining. It's unfixable through my feelings I'm not prepared to let it go anymore.
My question is how can we move forward in our new normal? As in ofcourse my husband and children will still keep their loving relationship with his mum and grandmother and the rest of the family. But without me included without it being awkward?
I have read a few posts where mums have said it's great. She gets a break from the hubby and kids why they have a fab time with nanny getting spoilt. This is what I want to achieve.
Currently it's still awkward. Questions of why I'm not there and I don't think the rest of the family know what's happened so they don't understand why I have disappeared. But I'm not willing to make contact and explain. It's just too long winded and too much energy for me to keep going over and over and too much has been done silently that everyone will be left saying I didn't know. But the outcome will still be the same. I don't see the point in dragging people through the mud anymore because it will not solve the issue. I have walked away and that's how it Is now. So everyone knows something has happened but not sure what. Therefore the land is left uncertain of these questions of why wasn't I there at Christmas time etc.
We live 200 miles away so it's not a huge problem about visits. Accept they come stay with us when they visit. My questions are how to do I set new boundaries of our house is still ok to stay at if I'm not here and how do I navigate my way through with the children without them picking up on that actually I can't stand their nan (said with a little humour) but I will never come between her relationship with her and my children and her son. It's so hard at the moment. My husband feels awkward talking on the phone to her when I'm around and I don't want that. I've stopped FaceTime because I feel it's an intrusion in my home. I have to see her but if it's a phone call I don't mind because I still go about my business at home without feeling the dread of it.
There's going to be times where I have to brave it out and see her but I'm not ready for that yet. But this is eventually my aim. How do I make my boundaries clear this is for my husband and children only but we are not friends and our relationship will remain at a distance?
Positive constructive answers will be very helpful
Thankyou

How is FaceTime more of an intrusion than your in-laws staying in your home?! Where will you go when they are there? That's not going to work long-term and you haven't mentioned your DH's/children's feelings about this.

There are aspects of your post that remind me very much of a relative with mental health issues - the non-discussion, the control of the contact - if this is also the case for you, regardless of what happens with your in-laws in future I would urge you to speak to someone about it. It's a horrible situation for you and most people would struggle a bit to set those kind of boundaries. I hope you find some peace in the situation soon.

I don't think you can go no contact with your MIL and have her stay at your house. If they come to your area they need to stay in a hotel, and you will need to find a age appropriate explanation for your children. Good luck.

I will stay with my parents when they are over. And honestly it's 8 years of unacceptable behaviour from my mother in law that I refuse to put up with anymore. She nearly caused a divorce in my marriage by manipulating my husband to work for my father inlaw 200 miles away from me and my children for a year knowing we are ex forces and my children didn't cope then. She has also encouraged my children to keep secrets from me which included over mothering them. She has drinking issues where she has gone into My children's bedroom DRUNK and slept with them because she feels this overwhelming mother bond with my eldest daughter. It's too much but she is their grandmother and my children love her. So it's very hard for me to stop contact

Don't move out of your house so your MIL can visit, that is another way of her separating you from the rest of the family. I think you and you husband need some support so that he can deal with any manipulation body your children. I'm sure someone will come along and suggest you both read Toxic Parents ( sorry I don't know the author).

Hmmm personally I don’t think this is actually healthy for your marriage or your own family. You shouldn’t be the one excluded. If your MIL is this awful to you, your husband should be sorting it out. They’re his people, his problem. I had a nasty step MIL who wasn’t nice to either of us and refused to let FIL see our child. They’re all out of our lives, more than a decade now, and it’s so much better. I’m not sure you’re sending the best message to your children. If you dislike this person and the way they treat you so much, why would you let them around your children? Aren’t you concerned at her influence on them?

Err really, she's been drunk and slept in your child's bed and your willing to move out and let her stay in your home without you their. No Way would that happen on my watch, my in-laws wouldn't be allowed in the house if that was the case and would be staying in a hotel.

This is NOT a healthy relationship for your children.