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Parenting

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Original poster

Homework Hell

13 replies

NeeB · 20/01/2019 17:18

So the long and short of this is - I am at the end of my tether with 12 yr old son, who wants to do the bare minimum and get good results. he doesn't get much homework at all, but work that is issued should take an hour - today he has spent all day in his room 'doing' his homework and still hasn't finished or produced anything of any consequence. We have tried timing him, sitting with him, withdrawing privileges. I should say at this point he is grammar stream so more than capable - but weekends are becoming completely intolerable - with our loving family home becoming grumpy , angry and sad :-(. I don't know if I should leave him to fail and let him accept the repercussions (which I really would struggle with) - just don't know how to handle it. Had parents evening and teachers glossed over and just wanted to tell us he was unfocussed and likes to talk, really don't know what to do so support him and get through this. We've tried the inspirational conversations etc. Any advice please?

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LEMtheoriginal · 20/01/2019 17:41

Leave him to it. Let him face the consequences at school and take responsibility for himself.

ladybee28 · 20/01/2019 17:43

This all sounds a bit overdramatic to me, OP – he's 12.

If he takes all day and doesn't produce much, that's how it rolls – sucks for him to have wasted his whole day when he could have been having fun instead, but if he's getting decent grades and his teachers aren't worried, it sounds like the only 'hell' is being kicked up by you...

Why are you so deeply concerned? What are you worried will happen?

LovingLola · 20/01/2019 17:46

What’s he doing all day in his room ? Phone ??

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Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/01/2019 17:49

Give him a time limit of an hour, and then tell him at the end of this that you are writing a note in his planner that this is what he is able to do in an hour and that’s it. Indicate that you totally support his attendance at any detention imposed. Detach and relax. Let the consequences do the talking. At the moment all the stress is on you.

Onglue · 20/01/2019 17:51

Presumably he finishes his work in a timely manner at school, and it's of sufficient quality if he's in grammar stream? So what do you think the issue is?

steppemum · 20/01/2019 17:59

at secondary school, unless there are specific needs that you are supporting, you need to bakc off.

Tell him that his homework is between him and the school, and if he doesn't do it, he will have to face the consequences that the school gives out.
Explain that he has everything he needs (desk, pens etc) and that one of the things homework is supposed to teach you is how to organise your time, so you will let him know what is happening over the weekend and he has to organise his homework around it, but from now on, you will not be reminding him.

Then do just that. eg on Friday night - so we are doing x on saturday pm, and Granny is coming to lunch on Sunday, so ds you need to bear that in mind when you think about when to do your homeworl.

The secret though is to stick to it, properly back off. Do let him know that you are there if he needs help.

ANiceLentilHotpot · 20/01/2019 18:00

You have my sympathies OP, our 12 year old is the same. Very bright but doesn't want to put the work in. Weekends had become a nightmare with trying to get him to take responsibility for homework and him spending hours faffing about hardly getting anything done. It meant we couldn't plan to go out as we couldn't really leave him for the day while he huffs and puffs about his homework without actually doing it.

Our answer has been to leave him to accept the consequences. It was hard at first as he would leave it till the morning it was due in and then get in a right state not wanting to go to school because he'll be in trouble.

At the beginning of the weekend we tend to say 'right, theses are the plans, were not doing anything on Saturday morning so that'd be a good chance to do your homework, if you don't do it then you probably won't have time and we'll have no smypathy if you leave it till Sunday evening and run out of time'. And keep repeating every weekend.

It seems to have finally sunk in, he's always going to be a leave things till as late as possible type of person, but he has started taking responsibility for it which makes weekends much less stressful for the rest of us. He often does it in form/break time now.

FartnissEverbeans · 21/01/2019 02:58

I’m a secondary teacher and I agree that you should just leave him to it.

abbsisspartacus · 21/01/2019 03:03

Leave him too it he needs to accept consequences

My 10 year old never does homework ever he gets detention he still doesn't do it it's taken him months but last time he had homework he made an effort natural consequences work eventually

CkFa · 21/01/2019 04:41

Do the work at the kitchen table for a set time so it's over and done with. Also, I look back and wish I had more inspiration at that age. Are there any good YouTube videos to play him if people he admires / might like to learn about who have worked hard to get where they are? I think instilling a good work ethic now will help when it comes to the big exams in a few years.

steppemum · 21/01/2019 10:56

Having said upthrea, leave him to it, I do think you need to have alittle look at where the problem is. Is he just faffing (as my ds did very well with homework all through primary) or is he struggling? Eg dd had an art project in year 7, where they had to chose a variety of things over the whole term. She actually found it very hard to plan, and we planned it together, it needed her to be quite proactive, eg take a photo everyday for a couple of weeks, for some of the ideas, and she would get to Monday night, and find that she couldn't do any of the options, becuase she hadn't started them two weeks ago.

In other words, you MAY need to step in with some planning help. But if it is just faffing, let him learn via school.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/01/2019 10:58

Could you talk to the school about this. My dd was the same (although it was primary school at the time), and they created a homework club as other parents were having difficulties too. That way my dd used up some of her break each week to sit in a class room and do her homework

Charles11 · 21/01/2019 11:03

My 13 yr old was a bit like this but I started making him sit down at the dining table and helped him where I could. He just found it a bit overwhelming and couldn’t start.
I now drop him off at the library (without his phone) on Saturday mornings and a couple of times a week and it’s working really well.

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