How do you keep youe relationship going with two young kids?

[Ineedtonamechangenow]

Three pregnancies in four years. We now have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. I think we're broken.

We hardly have a positive thing to say to eachother and DH has completely shut down with any form of affection or intimacy.

I don't know how to fix it. I miss how we used to be but it feels like we're walking on eggshells 24/7 now

What have you two tried to improve things? Date night's? Counselling? If you let us know we might be able to help a little better?

We try to have at home date night occasionally. We'll have dinner and a glass of wine. DH then often wants to "relax" ie sit and watch telly. We had some therapy when we lost the first baby. It did help but we really don't have the finances to afford it any more. In a nut shell, DH generally finds intimacy hard, I guess. But I'm pretty critical of myself, and probably of him so I know I don't help

I do think some counselling would be a good idea. I don't think getting at each other and a lack of intimacy is just a standard part of parenting small children. I have an almost four year old and an eight month old who seems to be practically glued to me, so I definitely understand the lack of having time together. Sometimes it feels like we are ships in the night. What does help us is going out for a 'date' once a month, it feels more special and relaxing than just having a date at home, do you have people to babysit? We also stay in touch a lot throughout the day. It is hard but we are happy and love each other at least as much as before children.

Also I can see now how temporary the slog of the early years is. Now my eldest is approaching four she is SO much easier to deal with. She was hard work at two

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, what an awful thing to go through.

I was looking at the Relate website recently and I believe they have some kind of system where you can pay what you can afford.
I'd definitely encourage you to get counselling together, see if you can find a way to relate to each other again and break some of the bad habits (I've been there ).

Good luck, I hope it works out for you

I'm with you OP.
we have a 3yo, lost a baby and now have a 9 month old also.
Also lost a parent just after birth of baby.
Me and dh have had the best relationship since our teens, 15 years together and now we barely speak a word and when we do we seem to just be mean.
Feel like 3 years worth of sleepless nights and bereavement and general huge adaptation to parenthood have broken us. I love him so much and never want us to not be together and he says the same, but I have no idea what happened to "us". We haven't even had sex since i was 3 months pregnant, so well over a year ago.
So no advice but you're not alone x

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss.
We have 4dc, 9, 6, 2 and 1, the first 2 dc are mine from a previous relationship.
We reached breaking point last year and ot was a combination of communication and shared burden that saved us.
I had a traumatic birth with dc4 in which we could have died and I didnt realise it at the time but DH's reaction to the shock was to try and pretend it didnt happen. I started to unravel, had pnd and unbelievable sleep deprivation (2 and half broken hrs sleep a night for months) DH became a selfish arsehole and I had a breakdown.
Once I realised that DH was ignoring the trauma and his stress/anger was actually coming from his frustration at my falling apart/inability to cope we were on the same page and were able to communicate much more clearly. I then began to shift to a more equal share of household chores/childcare. It turned out that DH was genuinely feeling sorry for himself and didnt appreciate my input in the family life. (He was sleeping all night and barely doing any housework or childcare because he worked full time) He lost his job in November which was obviously terrible but was a total game changer for us. He was finally fully immersed into daily family life and joined me in the nights when the children woke. I then went out one evening for the first time since dc3 was born and when I came home he said that he thought he understood what I did for the family, but he had no idea. I cannot believe what a difference it has made, he is like a different man.
Im not saying this is the case for everyone but for us it was definitely a communication issue. I had no idea what DH was feeling and he had no idea what I was actually going through as I had accidentally shielded him from experiencing how totally overwhelming my life was so hearing about it was not enough, he obviously thought I was overreacting or something.
I really hope this helps, its awful feeling broken.

I think for us the key has been to recognise that the early years were going to be tough and there wasn’t going to be much if any time or energy for us as a couple. But it doesn’t last forever. They get older, you get your sleep back, your energy back, your body back (I mean it feels like yours rather than your DCs iyswim). DH and I are both long term planner types so were happy to “knuckle down” for a few years knowing we’d come out the other side. Not to say we didn’t snap at each other, we did but sort of knew underneath why that was happening.

Try to remember to be polite to each other, say thank you for the small things. Touching is important, not sexual touching, just sitting next to each other on the sofa not at opposite ends. Offer an olive branch after a row eg do you want a cup of tea (not saying you were wrong just breaking the ice).

DH always insists on the sofa to himself so I just sit in the armchair. I've called a truce. He has to show at least some affection and I'll stop all of the negative talk. It's not really working so far but we'll see I'm not asking for much, just even a squeeze on my shoulder or something, anything

How do you want him to show you affection? How does he want to?
I think it would help if you were both more specific.
Do you hug each other?

Acts of kindness towards each other can help too. Just little things that can make each other happy and keep you connected.

We don't hug, we don't smile, we don't laugh, we don't touch. It's all just a little bit pathetic. I feel like I'm just waiting around for his attention. It's not like i can just go and find a hobby/get busy. I've literally just got home from work. I was up six times last night with ds2 who is teething and DH was up with him twice . I'm just shattered. I'll have dinner and crash out for the evening

What would happen if you said to him
‘I’m feeling shattered and low and could do with a hug’ ?
Or sent him a text message to say that you miss being with him?

Try to remember to be polite to each other, say thank you for the small things. Touching is important, not sexual touching, just sitting next to each other on the sofa not at opposite ends

This ^. Really good advice. Me and my DH have two DC (3 and 1) and romance has gone AWOL. We can go several days not even touching, on bad days we take our tiredness out on each other and snap away. Having small children (both of whom are not great sleepers) has had a huge impact on our marriage.

What helps us us to keep talking, keep the communication lines open. We try and be honest about how we're feeling, and get perspective - this is a very short time in our lives and will pass, if we can just weather the storm.

Keep touching and spending time doing things that don't just involve staring at the telly. We don't have family nearby and the kids are too little to be babysat so date nights have to be planned well in advance. But we will have a beer together, talk about our days, and try to have a cuddle in bed (we mostly sleep separately due to co sleeping, that doesn't help matters!). Email each other little things during the day, sharing jokes, stuff that's not kid related. That all helps.

You've been through so much together, and men do tend to retreat rather than reach out during difficult times.

It is so hard. We haven't lost a baby (I'm so sorry ) but we have a 2 year old and a 6 month old (the baby was born with health issues and a disability). I do have to stop myself from taking things out on DH when I've had a hard day with the children. I try to apologise when I know I've been out of order (usually due to tiredness). I try to compliment him as well.

He's not the affectionate type (never has been). And that has gone downhill since the babies and I often feel touched out and don't make an effort....it's not easy!

This is very normal especially since you have lost a baby. Our son died shortly after he was born and it is very common for it to destroy families. You have done very well to stay together, you are in the minority so you obviously care about each other. Try counselling. Both individually and with each other. It can’t do any harm. You’ve other been through more than anyone should xx