My wife say she does not love me / marriage breakdown

[FamilyMan75]

Hello all, can I please have some HELP! My wife has just told me she does not love me / feel the same and I'm heartbroken.

We've been together for 8 years / married for 3 and have 2 wonderful children. The first 5 years were the happiest of my life but will openly admit the last 3 have been difficult. This was about the same time financially we had to start working opposite shifts (never get the same day off) and our youngest started showing signs of autism. Don't get me wrong, we collectivity adore our kids and would not change them, but presents new challenges to face. We would both admit supporting out youngest can be an exhausting task.

As for my wife & I, this is also when the relationship started to change. I in nature are very open and find it healthy to talk, (possibly too much) while my wife is the complete opposite. This has caused stress and frustration both sides.

Well over a year ago it's was becoming more apparent my wife was not happy & I was trying anything to alter it. I work long hours, the kids present challenges (hyperactivity) & ultimately we are never together to share the weight. My wife also periodically show signs of anxiety /depression (which she has battled before we were together). I pleaded with her to see a doc / counselling or even confined in her parents but she did not want this. This causes frustration in me (my worst traits - among others) and only worsen the situation. However we said we would make it work - but honestly believe we didn't really make the investment.

I / we suggested "date nights" etc - but all that really resulted in was sitting at home at the dinner table. We have not had a night without the kids in 5yrs and only managed two nights out last year. This is the complete opposite of the 1st 5yrs. As we spend so little time together - when we do the pressure just ruins it from the start.

All I know is she does not love me - but don't know what she wants to do. This is killing me. I admit I'm far from perfect but Invested in this for the long term! Personally I'm scared I may be the casualty from what is a combination of wider factors.

We are a few week don't the line and we are being civil. She has finally spoken to someone and counselling should follow. I wanted relationship counselling - but think it might be impossible to do both at the same time?? I have good & bad days, it's the limbo that is effecting my health.

Apologies for the length of the above, but it's my life. I love my kids and wife sincerely.

Any advice welcome.

Sorry to hear this, I don't have any real advice to give but just wanted to say how positive it is she should be getting counselling. Maybe after a few sessions broach the subject of relationship counselling? Though things may change once she speaks to someone about her own mental health. Hang in there!

Thanks snowdrop, value you words of support.

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds really tough for both of you. Try not to get frustrated with her when she is suffering from depression and you feel she could be dealing with it differently - it sounds like she is doing her best!

Thanks flag. Completely agree. I'm fully appreciated I'm a huge factor on why we are here and would not deny that. But there area / were other strains too.

From my side - seeing someone suffering, but not wanting to talk was really hard. Trying to help and hearing "there nothing wrong / just tired" is excruciating as you feel as is the marriage is falling apart & there's nothing you can do.

But it's not just about me and appreciate both sides.

I just wish / hope help is being used while there is something salvageable and not too late.

Thanks for your words.

It isn’t your fault. She clearly has her own issues and must work through those. Support her as much as you can

Thank you, I'm really trying.

Just hope no permanent decisions are made prior to what support / clarity could be given by the professionals.

It's taken well over a year to get to this point - just hope it's help then review the marriage - rather that end it and then review.

Think that the main thing I'm trying to get across.

If she won't talk or listen to what you say, have you tried writing a letter? It could be full of love and concern as well as hope. DH did that to me once when we were going through a rough patch. He left it when he went to work and I had all day to think about it and realise that we had been concentrating so much on the children, and were tired doing so with four of them under 5 at the time, that we needed to take stock and change things for our marriage's sake. If he had tried to say it all I would have been defensive and tried to argue my corner. it might be worth a go but you know your wife best and are best placed to know how she would react.

I should have added that hearing her say she didn't love you any more must have been very painful but, if she is truly depressed, it may not be what she really means and a "love letter" might help her realise that - especially if it recalls the special things you (used to??) say to her and each other and tries to refresh those feelings which are giving the impression of having faded a little.

Thanks Cat.

I think is sounds like good advice. I've expressed and don't want to give up and my feelings - but agree the medium might be a better.

Much appreciated.

Sorry you have been going through a tough time. You sound like a living and supportive husband. I think a letter is a great idea, and how about getting for old photos out and looking through them together? It might remind her of happier times and how strong your love for each other used to be. My husband is particularly closed off but it eventually comes out after about ten times of asking him what's wrong - but it's always when we have a quiet time away from our baby. Not sure if that's possible - could you get a babysitter in? I appreciate that might be tricky if your child has additional needs though. The other thing is that the depression may be masking the realities of what it will be like to separate and not have somewhere there all the time to love and receive love from. Have you heard of love languages? Google it. Basically there are five different ways people express and feel love, and everyone has a different one. When you understand your partner's love language, it may help you to find ways to reconnect with her. Good luck and take care.

*loving husband !

Thanks CkFa, your words mean a lot.

I've attempted some elements before - photo etc - but just hope these 'hit home' more now.

I know things need to improve but I'm 100% committed to 1) help my wife & 2) take care of our family, together.

The words did / still really hurt, I'm just hoping its driven the tension caused by not discussing it for so long. We had time to moan about work etc but not help / listen to each other 🙁 Now there is almost resentments the air at times which is sad, with nitpicking both sides.

Honestly the 1st five years were the happiest of my life & hope she feels the same. I fully appreciate no one should be unhappy in a relationships but feel there is still something worth fighting for.

How's it going OP? I hope you've had an okay week? Take care

A really helpful book is “how we love” by Milan Yerkovich. I thought I of it because of how you say your wife doesn’t like to talk about stuff whereas you open up. This book is really great at showing how different ways of approaching things can cause issues, and how to resolve it. It really helped in my marriage.

Hi, thank you for the update.

CkFa, thank for checking in it really means a lot. I stalled in the letter (but still want too). Last week any attempt to focus on happy times just caused barriers to be raised as she focus on a negative.

It was upsetting but feel 'now' may not be the right time. I did however look into love languages - found it really useful. We even discussed it last night and how we got lost focussing on the wrong areas.

Thanks too Strawberry, will 100% check it out.

As for an update, she had one counselling & GP appointment. I too started counselling to help myself and to hopefully learn how to better support her.

We talked last night and it was upsetting. She feels alone has feelings of being trapped and can't bear to be touched. It's heartbreaking. She really has difficulty trying to put her thoughts into words. I asked what can I do?

I've explained when you see someone in pain its in my nature I want to help and always will. I can't turn my back on her - and asked if that's what she really wanted - and she said no. She said she not thought about divorce and does want me to be a part of her life???

Just wish we could hit a 'reset' button

Sorry it's such a tough time. But so positive that you are talking and you know what is on her mind, even slightly. If she feels trapped is there anyway you can give her some time away from you and the kids once a week or month? Just a couple of hours so she can feel like her old self again? That may help her to look forward to seeing you again. Glad the love languages was useful too. The small touches always help - leaving a note here or there, baking her favourite cake, running her a bath. I know your situation is much deeper than these small gestures, but they do count and might make you feel better too. I really feel for you, remember to look after yourself in all this too. Talk to a friend or family member to help get things off your chest. Take care and keep going, you're doing so well by the sounds of things.

Thanks again CkFa, it means a lot.

I'm working on giving her time on her own but the opposite shifts restricts a lot. (I work M-F, she works S-S). The kids at school give her small windows (like getting her hair done etc) and she also has time with girlfriends occasionally in the week. That's the thing - we can support each other to have time separately - just never have time together.

At present I just wished her family were aware - as they are the 'only' local support. (My family live far away)

I don't actually know if my marriage is 'over' 😢- yet her brothers, sisters, parents etc (all who live within walking distance) to my knowledge are blissfully unaware. To me - they would have been / could have been pivotal in the support to help us save the marriage by letting us have take time together more ( and occasionally without the kids). Not to mention provide emotional support to my wife.(I think she is suffocating as she keeping everything in)

She says does not want to burden them ??? But I can't get my head around it. It feels like a bit of denial with regards the severity of the issue? This remains a constant battle within myself. If they did know - how could this effect things - positivity!! I've lost count of times she said she would rally tell them - but never really does. They could be a critical element in fixing this (as given our son - are the only immediate support structure). I know everything has their own lives a bit frankly it would be easier to support a recovering marriage than support a single parent. But my wife may explode if I intervene?? I'm second guessing every action every day. It's exhausting and really really taking its toll.

As for the small things - honestly. I never stopped. Notes left down stairs, daft treats sneaked in her work bag etc. I think letters would be too much now for her - I'm just trying to find a balance. I am doing more job around the house as I think at least that's giving more 'emotional' space.

Next week she has a GP appointment / possibly counselling (I have counselling too) and I'm hoping something will come of that. If not it will be very hard for me. She said she lived in denial for months and it was killing her - now 'locally' I feel the same.

My sincerest thanks.

Delighted to hear that things may be going on the right direction for you all and that you have managed to talk - much much better than a letter really if you can manage it. Good luck for the future.

Thanks Cat. Appreciated.

You sound like such a good husband and you're doing everything so right. Maybe this will take time and with help from a counsellor you can both move forward together. What about joint counselling? I do think a quiet chat with a family member you can confide in might help too. But not if your wife thinks you've gone behind her back. Maybe suggest it again and agree how you might say it? Keep going and being strong. You can get through it.

Thanks Ck.

We are talking but feel the distance just creeping in. I frustration on mine as more time seems to be dedicated into updating social media etc - than quality time with the family / me. It's almost a form of detachment.

I really think couple counselling is a good idea. I think it's the fairest option as there is fault both sides - and think we may need called on that.

I'm continue making an effort - just don't want to be taken for a ride 🙁

I'm concerned financially too. I'm 80% the bread winner and am cutting spend completely as we don't know what the future may bring? The only thing I have spent cash on is tickets to a gig for her as a surprise. Yet she's spending cash on hair, tall, nails, tattoos etc?? It's almost like nothing is happening / pending. It's twisting the knife. I want her to feel good about herself - obviously etc (self esteem) - but feel like she is not acknowledging what is happening.