Daughter doesn’t want to see dad

[As2155]

Hi,

This is quite a tough thing to post. My daughter says she doesn’t want to go to her dads as much.

She sees him late evening Friday and back Sunday afternoon every two weeks.

It’s very tough as she says she doesn’t like How he is with her there and he puts his partner and her boy and girl first. A lot of it’s based on anecdotal evidence, but she’s adamant she doesn’t like it.

I’ve had numerous discussions withy ex and he says that there’s no problem and he doesn’t have favourites. However what was adamant was he wouldn’t listen to my daughters concern. I’ve heard their phone calls once or twice and he’s put the phone down if he doesn’t like what she says. I have also suggested less visits but that’s rejected too. And I don’t want to force the issue.

I’m hoping to ride this out, but it seems to be getting worse.

She’s happy for him to take her out from time to time, but not much else.

Where do I stand? I want him to have a relationship with her and don’t want to appear to be this bitter ex, but I want to make sure my daughter is happy.

How old is she?

She’s 10

Him putting the phone down on a 10 year old kind of proves your daughters point that she's probably not being treated very nicely when at his house. What parent puts the phone down on their child instead of listening to their concerns?

I'd mention that as a clear example of why she doesn't want to spend as much time with him. She's gotten to the age where she should have a bit of a say in the matter and if she doesn't want to go due to be treated second class then that's that. Put your concerns about looking like the bitter ex aside and put her welfare first. As long as she seems him sometimes and his happy with that, she shouldn't have to go to his house every other weekend if she doesn't want to. If he wants to see her those days, perhaps suggest they do something else.

I get the impression from what you've said that it's his way or the highway - is that right? It was similar for my DD. She was brave enough to tell him herself how his actions were hurting her but he wouldn't listen or acknowledge her feelings. She's chosen no contact now and was 12 when she made this decision. Is your DD's contact court-ordered? At 10 he would have a good chance of getting a CO if he went to court. I would continue to offer the contact your DD would want via email and scale it back - suggest that they do some activities away from his new family home and have some one to one time. He may refuse - keep a record of it all. If it was going to go to court it would be better if she was a couple of years older.

There’s no court order in place I imagine that’s good and bad. It is definitely his way and that’s it. I have tried to be flexible to make sure their relationship is good, but what I was expecting was excitement at seeing her Dad not complaints. I don’t know what would happen with court as I’m not thinking about no access just less weekends and maybe week night activities. Very tough.

If you hadn't put your daughters age, I would have thought you were my sister!

She spilt up with her husband while pregnant and the set up is the same, visits Fri/Sat every second week and he too has a boy/girl with new wife.

Her daughter has so many issues and we put a lot of it down to this separate living. My niece feels like he prefers his 'new' kids to her and there has been occasion when she's been compared to her cousin by her Dad and 'why can't you be like them'.

My sister is at her wits end. We've told her that now her daughter is at an age were she can make her own decisions, she needs to tell her Dad she doesn't want to visit as much, blame it on homework if it makes it easier. Unfortunately my sister thinks it should be in place till she's 16!

No advice really but will take on board any advice offered to you to help my sister and niece.

I feel for her. There’s just so much to way up. How much should the child not enjoy it for it to be a problem? And is it worth the emotional toll a court case would take :/

Just try not to get too far ahead for the time being. Suggest things that your DD will find easier to support contact and let him know when his actions bother DD. Eg 'DD is very upset that you hung up during the phone call when you mentioned x'. Plan for the best - regular contact if possible which DD enjoys - and protect against the worst - keep a record so it's clear what the challenges areand how you've supported contact. Does he ever do anything with DD away from his new family?

I was in a similar situ with my two and their Dad. There was a court order in place and I was told to ‘encourage’ the kids to maintain it by solicitors/judge etc even when they really didn’t want to go for overnights. I did-for years. When they got to mid teens they cut contact themselves for nearly 6months and totally refused to go. He kept on ‘hassling’ ( their word not mine) and they restarted overnights but then quickly stopped again.
As older teens (now out of contact order) they stopped overnights but do still see him when they feel they ‘need to’.
They have both repeatedly told me ( as older teens) that they really wished they didn’t have to do all those overnights as younger kids:teens and while they understand that I did what I was told to do that they would have preferred not to have had to stay over.
If I was doing it again I wouldn’t make them but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up. The situation is sometimes less worse than the pain of court. Will keep a diary that’s great advice.

And sorry meant to add he never does anything on his own with her it’s always with them