Struggling as a 'Step-mum' - is it normal to feel this way?

[PinkUnicorn8]

Hi everyone.

I’d appreciate some advice on this. I realise a lot of people are in a similar situation so would be nice to know how others deal with these emotions.

Me and my partner will have been together 4 years this year, I’ve lived with him for 3 years (we bought a house a year and a half ago, prior to that I stayed with him in a rental property for about a year)
He has a wonderful Daughter from a previous relationship and she is 6 years old. We have her EOW and usually a day in the week (+ half terms etc) which works fine as it is, and me and her have a good relationship in general.

I have no children of my own, so I’ve struggled adapting to the situation of being a ‘Step-mum’. I don’t particularly like that label, as she already has a mother responsible for her so I’ve been approaching the relationship I have with her as more of a grown-up Friend (but she does sometimes refer to me as Step Mum which is fine). I do really enjoy the time we have together as a ‘family’ (I do have maternal feelings) and I really want my Partner to have a great relationship with his daughter, which he does. His Daughter knows that mummy and daddy are not together and that both have new partners which they are happy with.

My problem comes with the feelings of guilt (that her parents are separated and they can’t be together in her everyday life), and also how my Partner feels utterly desolate once his Daughter goes back to her mother’s house. Of course he misses her dearly when she isn’t with us, and somehow I feel guilty about this. Also his Ex can be controlling and they don’t see eye to eye sometimes which is understandable. I think this has an impact on me more than anything, as I feel unsettled about the fact that they still have to talk. When my Partner talks to me about his Ex I generally feel uncomfortable, like why talk about them when you are with me? Sometimes I feel like a missing puzzle piece. I don’t like the control his Ex has over him, and how she dictates certain things. I also don’t like how she gives me the feeling of being inferior, unimportant or not as good as her. They way she looks down on me and my partner really gets on my nerves. I do not want the rest of life being dictated by this woman, feeling like we need to live up to her expectations and pander to her ways. The way she rolls her eyes at us, is unacceptable and childish. I am nothing but respectful and I never say anything bad about her to her Daughter either. Anyway...

I am still relatively young, and so as I don’t have children of my own yet I do want to have the freedom to control my life, and also do the things that a normal couple would do. This is obviously restricted by the fact that I have chosen my partner who has a Daughter and so he can’t justify us going away and doing things on our own without her. I totally understand this, but I don’t want to miss out on the things I want to do with him like, e.g couples holiday etc. And at the same time not feel like I’m being utterly selfish?!! We both work full time so the only time we get to be with each other is EOW when he isn’t working and has his Daughter staying. Please tell me that other people feel this way too? And how to combat the feeling of making sacrifices to your life for the sake of other people? I missed out on a lot of my early 20’s due to the fact I had to care for my parents before they passed away so I think I feel this way because I haven’t managed to do the things I want to as yet.

I’m also worried that since he has been through the whole engagement (they didn’t get married) , pregnancy and child raising with another woman previously that if we were to go through the same process together I would be constantly compared/ comparing to his past experiences. I worry that our own child would end up being compared also and that we will have to raise our child to know that their sister has a different mother. That feels weird to me but I did grow up in a stable married household though so I know that this is being very close minded, it's just something I am aware of / not sure how to deal with?

I love my partner very much and don’t want to leave him. I just want some sort of compromise, a way I can do the things I want to do with him /without him and daughter, at the same as being a good influence on his daughter and trying our best to build a life all together.

Can anyone with similar experiences give me any advice? I mostly feel it is me who is the problem here, I don’t know if this is a normal way to feel. Thank you.

Totally understand where you’re coming from, however that’s the downside of dating someone with “baggage”. As a rule, when you date a person you know has a child you need to be prepared that the child should always come before the relationship. When they had a child together, they’re stuck with each other being in each other’s lives for the sake of the child for at least the next 18 years. That’s just how it is. Not everyone can deal with that, but it comes with accepting the person as a parent. Also, don’t feel guilty. You are not the reason the child’s parents are not together. Families come in all different shapes and sizes and she has now got 4 people to love her instead of 2. She won’t miss out on anything.

Thanks Fabaunt. Yes that is correct. I will try my best, putting children first will always be the priority. If it was more consistent i think it would be easier to deal with, but with the gaps between being in 'step-mum' mode and then back to just us two again it just makes it harder to adjust in my opinion. Perspective is everything. I will accept that it won't be easy all the time, we will have ups and downs. But this will help me grow as a person too.

I can totally identify with you. My partner and I are currently having our first baby together - he has a 13 year old and a grown up child from a previous relationship and I have really struggled with the whole, ‘this isn’t new for you’ type feeling. It’s really hard (and not made any easier by his ex having a total meltdown about it, at us and their children, but that’s a whole other story...)

What I try and remind myself is that it’s not his first time doing any of it, but it’s his first time with me and our first time as us. It helps, sometimes! I did also tell him that it felt hard to live up to how much he’s already shared with another person and he’s actually been so good about it.

I hope that helps in some small way? It’s so tough being a step parent, but you’re really lucky that you have a good relationship with the child. I think being a step parent is one of the hardest things in the world sometimes so just go easy on yourself!

I don’t agree with him that you can’t go away and do things as a couple without her, at all! Why does he subscribe to that way of thinking?

I could have written your post a few years ago; my biggest struggle has always been how much control DSDs mum has over our lives as she switches weekends at a days notice and will say things to upset DH with little reason. I also found it really hard that DH has to continue to have contact with his ex as it’s essentially quite unusual to have to do that.
I have found that things have gotten easier over time; one of things that has really helped is that I no longer see his ex due to the way collection and drop off arrangements work so she is in my mind less. Me and DH have also talked about how she treats him as the lesser parent and continually repeat that just because she thinks that and acts that way it doesn’t make it true; she can look down on you and your DP but that doesn’t mean she’s better than you; it really helps to disassociate yourself a bit.
In the past she has always acted like having a child with DH gives her more right to him than me which again I disassociated myself a bit from that but since marrying and having our own DD that part of it has gone away. I was worried about the same things as you about getting engaged and having a baby but DH has explained how different it was and how much better our experience has been; I also asked him not to talk about what his ex did with their DD as a baby. I’ve always been happy with talking about his DD as a baby and comparisons between them but I’ve never had to hear about what his ex did that worked with their baby etc and his experience as a dad has been really helpful.
Before we had our own DD we did used to go away just the two of us and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. We’d also make sure we took DSD on other holidays. Now we make sure we take DSD away as it wouldn’t be right to take DD and not DSD but we’ve also agreed that of her mum won’t let her go we still go and take DD so she doesn’t miss out