Nearly 4 year old causing such strife

[Benny4]

Please help.......I have nearly 4 year old twins, and a 6 year old. My eldest is such a sweet, loving child, with the odd behavioural challenge but nothing unmanageable. One twin can be particularly defiant with my DH, wilful and a bit of a diva, but again fairly typical behaviour, within reason, for her age group. However the other twin I ask advice about is outrageously naughty. She has scratched my eldest, so hard that she has a permanent scar on her forehead. She regularly scratches, bites and pinches her twin sister. The other twin is no saint, but nowhere in her league either. She is outright defiant with me or my DH a lot of the time. Has no problem shouting and screaming at us in public, or at home. Can stop dead in her tracks, I've never seen stubbornness on the same scale. She was caught drawing on the kitchen floor tiles earlier, and then deliberately knocked over a beaker of milk a couple of hours later. I'm at my wits end, exhausted with the daily battle, sad and perhaps a little defeated for the impact it us having on us as a family, and believe it or not, I'm no pushover either. Her list of misbehaviours is endless, and I've honestly never known anything quite like it. She's made me question my parenting skills, so please help with tips, suggestions etc on how we can achieve a more harmonious home.

Yes you need professional help

As does your DH an emotionally unavailable father can have a negative impact on behaviour. Indeed it maybe the cause of some of this already given her report from school
Indeed you are focusing on how they are to him but it’s a two way process and how he is to them is at least partly to blame

OP, I spent most of the day with only DTS1 (DTS2 was with DP and PIL) and my goodness it was sooooo easy compared to twins!! I imagine you had a huge shock going from one DC to three, honestly, you must feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. And it sounds like your DH is still adjusting, possibly not very well.

I hope the ideas here have given you some things to try/ people to contact - please do give TAMBA a call if you simply need to rant to someone in RL - I've done it more than once

Forgot to say thankyou to the poster who provided an earlier link, I read with fascination and it was a real eye opener.

My DH is carrying a lot of baggage, but it stems more from a tough time of being bullied quite hard core during his school years.

My life can be fairly lonely, but I'm kind of too busy to realise if that makes sense. I'm actually pretty hopeless at asking for help, and the church community is still quite alien to me as we only started going pretty regularly last year.

DH would shy away from classes/books and although we are financially comfortable as a single income household he would never be able to justify paid help.

Truth be known I am not patient, it's like a game of chess that I am losing because I keep moving the wrong piece. Up until a few days ago I really felt as if my twin girl was being hugely let down by me, but some wise words on this thread have helped me find a way through the fog. Perhaps if I can feel better about myself as her mummy, this will permeate through to my DH. In the meantime strides have been taken to repair our relationship and the progress is evident already, yay.

Homestart.
Trained volunteer would enable you to have 1 to 1 time with each twin, be a reflective listener, and hopefully have relevant experience and advice.
Normally referrals come via HV, ( but does DH have to know that?), but some areas accept self referrals.
Twins is normally an automatic 'yes'
-cause it's hard , parenting twins.

Try and borrow this book from the library or get a second hand copy. It is very easy to read and very good advice. Tell your DH he doesn't have to read it (although that would be nice) but you need him to try and copy the techniques you start to use.
Remind him that a) he can't change other people, only the way he reacts to them...but that can be powerful and lead to more change and b) change is difficult and requires practise and repetition...give the example of learning to write left-handed (or vice versa).
books.google.co.uk/books/about/Raising_Happy_Children.html?id=NCMBHzDz5zIC&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

Yay! Go you. You’re already taking big strides towards what you want for your family.

I love what you said here, it’s like a game of chess that I’m losing because I keep moving the wrong piece You are one insightful lady. Those are some lucky girls to have such a hero for a mum.

If your DH isn’t into books or parenting classes etc how about getting some support just for you? I mean someone you can offload to, moan at, use as a listener to let you think through what you want. I have this arrangement with a friend and it makes such a difference. I start off weary and frazzled and then feel light and energised after 30mins of her just listening supportively without trying to ‘fix’ me. Then we swap and I listen to her. It’s like magic. A real energy boost. It’s hard to find time and we just do it over the phone one evening a week, but it’s so worth the effort. Plus it’s free

I posted a link earlier to an article from Hand-in-Hand Parenting. If you liked it and are interested there is a Facebook parents support group where you can post to vent or get advice/ support from instructors on how to tackle whatever is (currently ) bothering you about family life.

And if you can get a Homestart volunteer then do that!

And you are definitely not losing the chess game!