First child's birth memory

[Bramblecrest]

If you look at photos of your first child's birth/first few days, how does it make you feel?

DS is 7 and was looking at photos of his birth and first few days.

It makes me feel so sad. Sad at how rubbish it all was and how I didn't enjoy it. Things I feel I did wrong etc. Was in hospital for 5 days and when I was discharged I was still in the bedding that had got blood on from the birth. I looked at it and felt why on earth didn't I say anything? But at the time I just couldnt as was so overwhelmed by DS

Is it wrong to feel sad about your child's birth? I feel like I should look back lovingly

I’m with you on that one. Mine felt so bad there is only one photo of us together in about 3 months.
When I see other people’s FB photos of their new arrival, looking all happy, I could literally weep with envy and resentment over how shite I felt.

To be honest I’m nearly two years on, and only slowly beginning to feel less upset about how difficult it all was. Or maybe not. I don’t know.

It’s a hard one to talk about in real life as I’m aware that some people aren’t lucky enough to have a healthy child, and plus pretty much everyone I know had an easy birth and recovered quite well.

Sorry no answers for you, just a hand hold in support - I think I know how you feel.

I once would have looked back on it differently at one point but then I had another baby who died shortly after birth and so I now view DC1’s birth with a combination of an awful realisation of how negligent the midwife was and what could have happened which panics me with the wonderful memory of being passed my healthy baby to cuddle.

Like i didn't cherish the early days enough.
After the birth, i didn't feel the rush of love everyone tells you about. I felt stunned and thought "thank F* that's over". Was utterly exhausted, 32 hours on the go. i think it would have been different had it not been so long.
The first few days in was a mess, constantly crying and struggling to breastfeed. Looking back, i wish i had just not stressed and just focused on him and getting feeding sorted rather than feeling like i needed to 'bounce back'. Possibly a precursor to my pnd, who knows 🤷

Mine is a sad memory too, very emotional. I moved to England from a different country so I didn't have any family to come and be with me besides dh. When I gave birth, I lost a lot of blood therefor had to get two blood transfusions. Dh was only allowed to stay until 9pm. I hadn't slept at all for 24 hours because of how long my labour was. When he left, the nurses said they'd help. Well they didn't. I was left alone with my newborn son, plugged into 2 IVS in each hand getting the blood transfusions. My son was awake all night crying. Every time I tried to take him out the cot, the ivs on my hands would tug and it hurt! I was exhausted, emotional that I was alone, and drenched in blood all night. Every time I would get a shower and changed, I was drenched again in the next hour. I cried a lot that night. And I was in lot of pain from getting cut while giving birth. I stayed int he hospital for about 5 days because of the state I was in. It was awful and it breaks my heart that it's such a sad memory for me. :(

to @ZogTheOrangeDragon.

I feel sad about the first few months of DD1’s life really. I was in shock after labour & birth & really couldn’t enjoy very much of her. I also don’t get the immediate rush of love & feel guilty about that. DD2 was entirely different. I wish I could do DD1 all over again.

Yes, my memories of that first week are awful too. At first I felt very upset about it, then I went through quite an angry stage where I was very annoyed at the hospital and staff, most of whom were so indifferent and uncaring.

I think I've got past it now but I do worry that if/when I have another all the feelings will come flooding back.

Thinking back to DS birth, it makes me very sad.

I've recently sought counselling for it as I believe the entire process of feeling so out of control and not listened to has caused issues further down the line for me.

Oh god this thread is kinda sad to read but also weirdly a bit of a relief that I’m not the only one who feels like this. I feel a lot of guilt and regret that I didn’t hold DS more and feel that instant rush of love. Child birth for me was more traumatic than I could have imagined, recovery was slow and painful and it all just felt surreal. I would absolutely do it all over again

NC for this as I genuinely can't think of anything that could possibly be more outing!

I don't have any pictures of myself after the birth of my DD but I have plenty from the day after - my wedding photos!

I'm happy I didn't have any taken immediately after as I was very rough after a tricky labour! I look back fondly as we treated her birth as a beginning of a weekend of celebrations! I have plenty of her in her bedside cot at the hospital and hubby having cuddles though!

Sorry that you all feel this way.

But glad I'm not the only one. I wish o could go back and do it all again knowing what I know now.

I'm sure it's contributed to my ongoing anxiety

I feel the same as @Lana1234 -glad I'm not the only one, but sorry it happened to everyone else. I didn't gave rush of love, I felt out of control and overwhelmed. I was in hospital for 5 days as DD was prem and an EMCS, in those days I slept a grand total of 8 hours and thought I was dying.

I was too frightened to tell the midwives incase they branded me a terrible mother and took DD away. It's only since DD turned one I feel that rush of love. I honestly don't remember much of her first days, weeks or months. I have to look at photos to remember what she was like.

I was diagnosed with PND at 7 months, the antidepressants have given me a lot more clarity now. I would like another baby but scared of going through all the above again.

My baby is 4 months and I regret that I resented him so much. I had a easy pregnancy so I naively expected an easy-ish birth. But nope.

I had awful back contractions. I thought I was dying. They were so painful that I have a scar from the blister I got from the hot (boiling) water bottle I put there.

After 3 days of those awful back contractions, i ended up having forceps, I felt nothing towards him. My poor baby, I feel so upset about that.

I got whisked away, I didn’t know why at the time. I got put under a drip and was shaking. I had sepsis. Therefore me and my baby had to stay in hospital on antibiotics. I couldn’t breastfeed, he would scream at my breasts. Probably because there was no milk and my body was too busy fighting sepsis.

It was awful and I feel guilty for resenting him at the time. I’ve not really got over it. But I love him so much now that I want to eat him.

Sorry people have had awful experiences that sound very distressing. Don’t want to minimise distress - but do you feel that the media/film portrayal of childbirth as a happy time has an effect on expectations?

Historically and geographically (in developing countries) childbirth has been a very dangerous time for mum and baby so complications are not that uncommon. I hope that might be a comfort to those who feel guilty -you were doing your best at a very difficult time! Even though modern medical care has transformed outcomes, we do still have room for improvement.

I'm only four months on so who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have a weird mixture of feelings.

There was something sort of magical about the hours after the birth - it was the middle of the night and it was so surreal.

But there are things I feel I/we did wrong. Plus we didn't have many visitors like others did. A couple of friends but no family - I feel my mum in particular let us down. And it was all just so overwhelming and scary at times. I cried leaving the hospital a few days later. I didn't want to go home and is have to cope on our own.

It was quite a strange time really and like others, not especially positive.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Giving birth, even under the best of circumstances, is hard work, messy and not very glamorous. I don't think many women look back and remember it as wondrous and amazing, no matter what kind of birth they had.

I've had two about as textbook straightforward as can be natural home births. I don't think back and think they were amazing and empowering. They weren't disempowering in any way! But they were hard work. I do look back with fondness at my last birth as it was exactly how I wanted it to be and literally couldn't have been easier (and I feel glad about that because he was my very last baby, so glad to have ended with it being all positive). But I feel the same way about it as I do other firsts, baby's first bath, first holiday, etc. It's a memory and not a bad one, but it's not all rainbows and harps playing either. I didn't feel all in love with my babies. I was a bit in shock, but glad they were here and everything went fine. That's about it. I think that's pretty normal.

@Namenic
Absolutely. If it wasn't for some good MN advice that it's very likely I won't be filled with love when my baby's handed to me, I probably would have thought 'what's wrong with me' when I held her and only had feelings of 'what the fuck'. Not at all like the films/programmes that show the parents crying with joy.

My DD is only 3.5 months but I look at the birth photos still confused as to what was going on! Her first weeks were so foggy and unclear I don't remember them. I had a good labour, but I was just so tired afterwards it's like a dream I can't remember.