My son hates me. The damage is done

[St4ceyD]

have two boys one is almost 3 and 1 is almost 2. They are 12 months apart. My oldest since my lo was born has been a total daddies boy which at the time I thought yeah it’s because he’s took over with baths n bedtimes ect... but 2 years later he still is! He says he doesn’t like me and never wants to be with me AT ALL. Let me back up a little though. When my youngest was teething not sleeping and generally being a grumpy baby I feel like I expected too much from my toddler at that time he was like 18m-2y and I was pretty hard on him (think I may have had a little ppd/ppa) so I was moany all the time never fun and sometimes really shouted when I got frustrated. So I think from then maybe I’ve scared him into not trusting me or not being comfortable with me because I could blow at any minute type of thing. Ive spoken to my dr time and time again and health visitor which they kinda just shrug off and say yeah it’s hard work but I don’t feel this is normal. He asks for dad all day, he never sits and cuddles me like he does him, if he hurts himself or is sick he wants him. He wants him to put him to bed or shouts dad in the middle of the night. He tells me to go away he doesn’t like mummy. It gets me sooooooo down I cry myself to sleep. I feel so distant from him. I hate myself because I know I’ve caused most of it. I just don’t know how to fix this. Don’t get me wrong I still shout sometimes because let’s face it two toddlers IS HARD but I’m trying my hardest to learn patience but I just don’t see this getting any better. And don’t get me wrong I love that he loves his dad and gets the comfort he needs but I hate the fact he acts like I’m nothing. Like he does t care if I was to disappear. I don’t even know where I’m going with this or what I’m expecting to hear I just needed to get this out.

I should also probably say that my youngest will not sleep EVER which is taking a toll on everyone. I just seem to be angry and frustrated all the time. We have had sleep training people out but did no good. I think not napping and not sleeping at night triggers me in some way because I just feel like I have no energy or break whatsoever. I have no one to baby sit no one at all to help (other than my partner who works 9-6 mon-Friday)

I think this is beyond MN advice, you need some professional help

Be kind to yourself OP, and go back to your doctor and tell him what you’ve told us. I would be pretty confident your son doesn’t hate you.

Love bomb him. Get your oh to look after the youngest for a few hours on a saturday while you take eldest out to do a fun 1to1 activity. You could do swimming, bowling, park, feed the ducks, etc. Make this a regular thing. Take time each day to read a book together. Make him laugh and tell him you love him. Also, remember children dont behave in any way to annoy us.

You need to do some fun things with your eldest with just the two of you. He has learned that you are never fun and nice to be with.

Make sure that you are not always the one telling him off.

Leave youngest with dad and head out somewhere lovely (for him).

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. I guess he might feel that he has been replaced by his younger sibling since they are so close in age. I would make sure you follow the advice above and make sure you have quality one to one time with him and even if he tells you he doesn't like you, make sure you let him know you love him anyway as he is probably testing you to some degree.

I found having a toddler and non sleeping baby incredibly hard. My youngest finally slept through at 2 years 3 mths,.so i hope the same happens for you too.
I agree with advice to have special mum and eldest time when you leave younger one and take him out to have special time together. Call it "mum and [name]" time and build up your relationship.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I would follow the advice above but I know plenty of families where this exact thing is happening i.e. a preference for one parent over the other. And the preference of parent is random. There's no particular reason behind it. Most if not all children go through these phases,they can't seem to share their love and attention at that age.
Spend time with him and smile and laugh (I know how hard that is when you are sleep deprived) and take some pressure off yourself. I think it will naturally even out the older he gets X

I doubt he hates you. I would try to be bright and breezy about any comments he makes while making it clear you love him. When I tell my 4 year old I love him he says 'no I love my brother's. I say 'oh ok he loves you too'. I think they are looking for a reaction so try to avoid turning it into a drama. Kids say all sorts when they are little. I agree with the 1:1 fun time suggested above- you don't have to even do anything elaborate or costing any money, just go for a walk or to the library or go to a different room and do some colouring together or something (in your case dad might have to go out). If he says he doesn't want to, stay calm and say 'i want to though and I'm in charge so shoes on' or whatever. I found 3 a very tricky age in general so don't be too hard on yourself. Mine is much better at 4.5 though he has his moments still...

Well you've learned a hard lesson. I once heard a quote which was something like "imagine one day when you're old. Too old to feed yourself, can't use the toilet on your own or get dressed, even worse can't speak anymore. How would you like your career to treat you, talk to you? Well that's how you should talk and treat your children." I've been there. In fact I find myself feeling immensely overwhelmed at times and it's depressing at times because we feel like these machines built to just take care of babies. It's hard work! Idk if you're religious at all.. I once was and am starting to build a relationship with god/Jesus again but it's helped me a lot to pray. Get everything off your chest, cry it out, as for help.. you'll feel better with time I promise:

Try and give your son lots of praise and encouragement to build up your relationship. There's a book called Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor who's a teacher who has taught in lots of schools including ones that kids are sent to after being excluded from other schools. He uses quite positive methods that work and build up their self esteem.

It's not too late. He's only 2, you can build up your relationship again.

Your boy is very young and he does not have the understanding or vocabulary to express that he is wants a better relationship with his mum. Any relationship can be improved by nurturing it.

One recommended method to connect with a young child is to spend short periods of time (eg 20 mins at a time) 1:1 where you simply be with them, watching what they are doing and waiting to see what they will do next. As you watch and wait, you wonder what they are feeling and experiencing. You can let them know you are following their play by making relevant comments that try and capture their experience, for example "the red car is driving under the sofa, I wonder where it's going". Do not direct the play or ask questions. Your job is to watch, wait and wonder, while you child experiences your full, interested, undivided attention.

Another thing that might help is to begin to introduce the language of emotions to your child. For example if you are watching TV you wonder aloud what feelings the characters might be feeling eg "the boy has lost his toy, I expect he feels sad". Introduce lots of "feeling " words into your everyday conversation eg "I am feeling frustrated that I can't find my keys". When your child is experiencing strong feelings, try and name them, guessing what they are eg "when Mummy was playing with brother, maybe you felt jealous". Let him know you feel comfortable talking about your own and other people's feelings.

I have less than 18 months between my youngest two and DS1 went through a real daddy phase for AGES but he passed though it. Obviously he still adores his dad but he is very close to me too.

I came on to say lovebombing and one-to-one time as pps have already suggested.

He doesn’t hate you. He probably hates feeling unimportant and is unable to express this.

Seconding (thirding?) the love bombing idea. Your DH (or someone else, as you don’t want to cause jealousy) could take your little one out so you can have regular fun times with your eldest. He is still very little, and needs lots of one on one time to feel secure. You can’t push cuddles on a kid as it makes them feel trapped, but they’ll be more likely to come to you for one if you have had lots of time doing things that they like with them. Take him to the park, spend time doing what he wants to do. It’ll come out ok over time.