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Original poster

Is it strange for a child not to be physically affectionate?

20 replies

FelicityMontgomery · 30/06/2007 09:40

My eldest DS is now 7. He has never really want to be physically close, even as a baby he liked to sit facing out to the world on your knee, on the floor etc. As a toddler he never really initiated cuddles.

He now gives cuddles and kisses but I think it's more now a learnt response and partly to please me.

In other ways he's a very loving boy, he loves to chat to you get involved with activities and jobs with you, has lots of frinds loves going to his clubs etc.

DS2 is 4 and SO different. He has always been one of those children who just wants to hang around your neck, gazing into your eyes and smothering your face with kisses. At every opportunity he wants to snuggle in your lap for a cuddle.

I keep torturing myself wandering what I did when DS1 was a baby that makes him not enjoy physival affection. But he honestly was never a cuddly baby IYSWIM.

Are some children just naturally more physically affectinate than others? Anyone else had this?

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jennifersofia · 30/06/2007 09:57

Yes, some are more affectionate than others. My eldest is very like this. Just does not feel comfortable with a cuddle, always pulling away when hugged, etc. Has been like this since day 1, and is like this with everyone. We do have a loving relationship though, I just have to put aside my need and my concept of mother/child relationship and meet her where she is at. Not always easy. Like you, I have often thought, maybe it is something that I have done when she was little - but I really don't think so. I think it is a personality thing. My youngest dd is quite cuddly and will come for a hug. Maybe it is also partly an eldest/youngest thing?

gess · 30/06/2007 10:02

How active is he? DS3 (2) comes up for brief cuddles but is off again quickly wriggling away with things to do. DS1 (8) (severely autistic btw) will sit and cuddle happily for hours. DS2 is kind of in between.

bogwobbit · 30/06/2007 10:06

My mum is always telling me that I wasn't physically affectionate as a child - a bit like your ds.
I'm perfectly (well reasonably ) normally now so I don't think it's a problem, just the way your ds is.

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Original poster

FelicityMontgomery · 30/06/2007 10:11

He sounds alot like your DD jennifersophia. He will give a quick cuddle, but will pull away from them.

I just expereimented and went into where he is watching Tv and asked if I could snuggle with him, he did cuddle up and lie on me and watch Tv for a while, but I think it's more to please me. He'd rather just watch TV undisturbed.

Ds2 though would like to be permanently attached to me at all times if he could.

I do think it just seems to be the way he is, but just wondered if others had children like this also. To ease my mind a little.

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manuka · 30/06/2007 14:31

Blimey don't feel guilty! He's obviously a totally cool being and completely comfortable within himself! My dd is like that. I was expecting to have to wear her in a sling all day etc and she was completely the opposite. Very happy to chill out in her moses basket from day 1 and loves to go out in her pushchair and see things. As soon as she could crawl she zoomed off at groups, in the park, on the beach!!
when she's ill she's cuddly, when she's well she's off!!!
I was the most clingy child in the world, couldn't even go to parties without my mum!!!!

Original poster

FelicityMontgomery · 30/06/2007 21:00

He actaully doesn't like kisses though, and pulls away from cuddles, he likes to be close but not very physically affectionate.

Do you think that is just a personality thing?

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lizandlulu · 01/07/2007 20:50

i think it is just their personality. my dd is 20 months and has only just learnt how to give kisses back when asked for them. she NEVER gives kisses spontaneously and will cuddle for maybe 5 seconds then pulls away. sometimes when she is sat on my knee i will try to snuggle up to her for cuddles and she has none of it. she is happy and contented though and i just think it is their personality.

SenoraPostrophe · 01/07/2007 20:53

yes - it's a personality thing. dd was never very cuddly (although she was today oddly enough), but ds1 is and always has been.

It's a modern myth that physical affection is something everybody wants and needs a lot of, and actually quite a damaging one. I'm a bit that way myself but felt weird as a teenager and overcompensated.

hippmummy · 01/07/2007 20:57

Felicity - I have the same with my 2 boys! DS1 is nearly 4 and is what I describe as 'spikey'. He rarely initiates affection and will squirm away if I try to hug him or kiss him! He is also a very independent little boy and has never been clingy.

DS2 on the other hand loves it! He is only 20 months and adores being picked up sniffed, hugged and kissed! He also loves being cuddled in bed which I am indulging myself in at the moment because it's so nice to have one who will fall asleep in your arms .

jellycat · 01/07/2007 20:59

My ds1 (5.5) isn't at all physically affectionate. He has learned that you give kisses and cuddles but he gives them quite unwillingly because he just wants to be off doing something else. He didn't like to be held even as a baby - he preferred to be on the floor kicking. ds2 (2.5) is completely different. We get loads of cuddles and kisses, and he gazes into our eyes adoringly. TBH, I am not very affectionate physically whereas dh loves cuddles (I do let him cuddle me BTW!) so I guess it might be heritable.

Sakura · 02/07/2007 00:17

Ive just been reading about sensitive children because my DD is very hard work. I know all new mums think this, but after having comments from other mums and just a general feeling, I started to read up about sensitive children. I just read that children who are born very sensitive can sometimes not be as affectionate. anyway, whether this applies to you son or not, Im sure its a personality thing.

MrsSpoon · 02/07/2007 00:21

You could almost be describing my two DSs, DS1 never wanted to cuddle but will now cuddle and like you I suspect this is a learned response and done to please. DS2 is very cuddly and sometimes DS1 will come up demanding a cuddle if he see DS2 cuddling. I apparently wasn't a cuddly child either.

jennifersofia · 02/07/2007 00:55

Interesting that thing about sensitive children. DD1 (she of the non-cuddles) is quite passionate/emotional and sensitive. I think sometimes she doesn't want to drop down into her body, into her feelings because it would be too much to feel - too overwhelming. She much prefers to be floating in the air - she is an ideas kinda girl, with her brain always sparking off from one thing to another.
I also remember my DH one time said he remembered feeling treated like a teddybear by his mother, with her cuddling and him not wanting it. I try to not to do that with dd's, although sometimes it is hard!
Also I know that she isn't like that simply because she is busy and distracted, but because she actually doesn't want to much of the time. She will want to sometimes, but it very much has to be on her terms, and no one else's. All part of her incredibly independent personality.
I think sometimes she even feels a bit complicated about it - when she hurts herself, often her initial response is to run and hide, and won't want a hug, but then will want one eventually (but won't really say so).

ghosty · 02/07/2007 01:37

My DS is 7 and sounds just like your 7 year old Felicity. He is what I have always described as 'spikey' whereas DD, who is 3 and a half is 'squidgy' with cuddles.
DS became very 'uncuddly' at around 5 years old (more so than normal) and I was gutted ... but he has recently become more physically affectionate again (holding my hand in public and that sort of thing) ... he went through a very embarrassed 'don't touch me in front of my friends' stage.

He is very emotional and sensitive though ... cries easily, gets upset if someone else is upset or hurt ... he needs lots of affection but it is verbal for him, we talk through problems and rationalise things ... but for DD a cuddle will fix anything.

ghosty · 02/07/2007 01:39

jennifersofia - "Interesting that thing about sensitive children. DD1 (she of the non-cuddles) is quite passionate/emotional and sensitive. I think sometimes she doesn't want to drop down into her body, into her feelings because it would be too much to feel - too overwhelming." YES! My DS is exactly like that!!!

Original poster

FelicityMontgomery · 02/07/2007 15:54

I think sometimes we expect certain stereotypical behaviours from children and forget that they are complex emtional creatures in their own rights.

I sometimes think tht my DS's lack of physical affection comes from his strong self consciousness (sp?).

It's almost like he's embarassed or can't relax into the physical affection. He was even like this when 2/3yrs old, when I used to pick him up from nursery, he would never run out into a big cuddle, he would almost sculk out frowning as if embarassed by what ws expected of him (me waiting woth big grin open armed). After the intial reunion was over, he would be quite happy and chat about his morning etc.

He doesn't like to be in the spotlight IYSWIM?

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nutcracker · 02/07/2007 15:57

Dd1 is 9 and is one of the least affectionate people I know. As you said about your ds, dd was even like this as a baby, she would much rather sit on the floor than anyones lap, and didn't like to be cuddled unless she was ill.

It does sometimes worry me, as Dd2 and Ds are the complete opposite, they love affection.

DD1 though is a very confident little girl, has lots of friends and doesn't seem to be bthered about anything. I think affection just isn't her thing.

Nightynight · 02/07/2007 16:16

One of my children was very physically unaffectionate as a baby, always preferred playing with toys. When a younger child came along, the elder one saw the baby cuddling and loving it, and suddenly became more cuddly himself - he seemed to realise that he was missing out on something that the new baby just did naturally.
Definitely don't think it is your fault! they really are all different.

mumto2girls · 02/07/2007 16:29

My two are the other way round. My eldest is the one always hanging off my neck and kissing and and cuddling me. My youngest only tends to do it on days when she tired or hurt herself. She will be 3 next week and she has only just taken to kissing with lips, before I have always been "honoured" with the top of her head!!

Children are a breed all to themselves!!

Mercy · 02/07/2007 16:44

I am physically undemonstrative and have been since I was very young. It's hard to explain tbh.

I've learnt over the years how this can make other people feel. But I am not all like this with my own children (or with other people's children) and am always trying to sneak a kiss or a cuddle!

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