This is going to be a very very very long post but hate dripfeeds. We have a 9 month old and since 5/6 months she's been sleeping 8-10 hours and sometimes more a night. We have a good routine with her and it never usually takes more than ten minutes to get her down, often she'll be asleep within minutes, falling asleep early during her bedtime story or after the little ladybug lamp plays a lullaby. Occasionally she will cry or fuss and then we don't hold her but will either move her through to our bed and lay next to her till she falls asleep or lay next to her in the crib for then ten minutes till she falls asleep and she if climbs on us then we'll pick her up for a small bit but often its just wanting to know mum or dad are nearby and not actually wanting to be held. It's important to us that we get her to fall asleep independently without us holding her. My STB in-laws take her once a week over night so I can then take a full day to study for university as I'm in my final year. We have told them numerous times how we get her to sleep with quietening things down a few hours before bed and that in no way should she be awake later than 8. We've had a few hints that they don't follow our routine. Sometimes they have sent us a photo of her playing with toys at 9pm at night and when we question what happened we get a "oh I don't know what happened, we must have lost track of time, we will put her to sleep now" and we explain again why the sleep routine is important to make sure I get the most time to study in the evenings once she's in bed. Other times she's unsettled when we try to put her down the next night and demands to be held more. She's had a horrible cold the last few days which has ended up with me lying in the crib (not sleeping as my back is very sore) to get her to go down for just a few hours at a time. When we dropped her off on Sunday night we said we would like to settle her as we felt getting her to sleep when she was all muccusy would be challenging for them. We went out for the afternoon to get a suit for a funeral and when we came back for dinner they said they hadn't put her down for an afternoon nap as she had cried, we tried for ten minutes to get her to go down as she hadnt slept well the night before and had only had one nap in the morning (usually naps 3 times a day). MIL interrupted and said we should give her dinner and then she will sleep, which we obliged out of politeness as she had cooked a roast for us. Cue a very tired baby moaning and whinging all through dinner before at 7:30 we said she had to go to sleep now as she was just getting more and more overtired. We gave her some Calpol to help with the coughing and snot and put books under one side of the crib so her head would be elevated. After 5 minutes of trying to settle her through the crib bars (their crib is too difficult to climb in and unsure if it would hold our weight) we moved her through to lie with us on the guestbed. It took us a further 25 minutes of her crying with us picking her up and soothing her when she needed it occasionally (to not much avail as she cried even when being held). In last minute desperation we put a pillow under her head and she was asleep within 45 seconds. We then moved her through to the crib where she slept soundly. We've since had a (in his own words) mini lecture over text from STBFIL over letting her cry and putting a pillow under her head. We also got a telling off for going in the crib with her as it sets a 'dangerous precedent'. We've been told that we should pick her up every single time she cries, simply hold her for 15-20 minutes every night rocking her till she falls asleep as that's what they did with their 2 adult kids (both of whom have attachment issues in my opinion). We did that when she was a newborn but she's 9 months old now and she wouldn't go to sleep in 15-20 minutes holding her as she would be trying to escape. We know her cries well now to the point we know a cry for food or milk and a cry for her nappies being dirty and we know a cry for attention versus a tired cry that won't be settled by us holding her. AIBU to tell him to bug off with his advice? After the lecture DP and I have agreed to reduce overnight stays to once a month as it's clear they won't respect our routine creating bad habits and I will just stay up later to get more studying done and DP will take her out on Saturday mornings for a few hours so I can get peace and we're going to look at 2 days at the childminder instead of the 1 day where I'm in class (mostly funded by university so should be possible). There are also issues with discipline where as she's crawling now, if she tries to touch something she shouldn't (nappy bin, the radiator (it's always off when she's awake but want to set a precedent in case we ever forget)) we give her a loud firm 'no' and she backs away immediately as they know we mean we business whereas they do a singsongy 'no no no no no no no' which she just smiles at and continues because she thinks it's a game and then they pick her up and distract her. I know it's grandparent's job to spoil the wee ones but am I being irrational to reduce the time they see her alone till they start respecting our parenting style? I feel like they have used our child to gain control over their son again who actively avoided them as much as possible before I fell pregnant. Their other child (STBSIL) is the opposite and moved out at 28 to just around the corner from them, has little friends, hasn't had a partner in over a decade and visits them daily (STBPILs are relatively young and fit so it's not like she's just keeping an eye on them). When I mentioned that once I graduate we may move to a different city or country if a worthwhile job opportunity arises, the STBMIL nearly had a full blown panic attack. Sorry for the extremely long post which I know will be complained about in the comments but just wanted to give the full background.