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Parenting

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Original poster

Child’s father wants him to live with him.

19 replies

krosec · 15/01/2019 11:19

Hi,
I’m looking for advice or conversation with anyone else who’s been in a similar situation. Here’s my story...
I am 27 and have a 7 year old son, and have been separated from his father for 6 years. Since we separated, the arrangement has been our son stays with his father every weekend, which has worked well for us.
However, my sons father is moving 4 hours away, having met someone on a holiday last summer and wanting to pursue a life with his new partner. I am fully supportive of this, his new partner is fantastic, she’s great with my son, and my son currently enjoys his weekends visiting her by the seaside. Although this will cause some changes. My child’s father will only be able to have him every other weekend or one weekend a month, which I’m extremely happy with. It’ll give me the chance to spend more time with my son.
Although today, I had a phone call from my child’s father asking how I’d feel about our son moving away with him and him having our son full time. The reason he suggested this was because our son is being bullied at school (myself and the school are aware and on the case, but it has been continuing for a year or so now), and I also struggle financially and with my mental health. His father is concerned our son will be bored at weekends with me and is also concerned about his life at school. He has suggested the move with him as he earns more, and him and his girlfriend can offer him the strong family unit he believes our son should have (whereas I haven’t really dated since the split 6 years ago).
Of course, I haven’t agreed to this suggestion. My son is all I have, I live and breathe for him as all parents do their children! I have no friends or family where I am (having been moved into social housing), and visiting them isn’t affordable most weeks. I need my son.
But part of me feels he would be so much better off with his father, and it hurts me so much to think that one day my son will choose to live with his dad over me. With his dad he has all the games consoles he likes, when he visits his dads girlfriend, he helps out in a sweet shop (every kid’s dream!) and is by the sea. And they are always out at play areas or swimming or some other activity. Whereas with me, we stay in most evenings after school, do homework and reading, and I’ll get the dinner ready and bath him. We’ll watch a movie or two and occasionally do some baking and play board games etc.
I guess my main point here is, has anyone else been involved with a similar situation? Where they feel their ex partner can provide a better life for their child than they can?
I regularly speak to my therapist about this and she does reassure me that it’s my choice where my son lives at present. I just can’t stop this dooming feeling that I can’t give him the life he deserves.

OP posts:

Itstimetoscream · 15/01/2019 11:22

I would say no. It would be a big move to go from mainly living with you to only seeing you once a month. Your son could move schools locally if the bullying is really bad. I think your ex is kind of selfish for even asking to be honest. Just because he's changing his life doesn't mean his sons has to also.

Mammabear88 · 15/01/2019 11:34

Well I can certainly see where this is heading. How long before you wouldn't be able to see your son AT ALL due to reasons you have listed above. I would be very wary. Sounds like he is just trying to control the whole situation. I would think long and hard especially since you have mentioned you already have MH problems and see a therapist. This could really throw you into a downward spiral not seeing much of your son. I understand a mothers' guilt but unless your son turns around and says "mum I dont want to be here with you" then you are well within your rights to decline. Just go back and remember why things did not turn out with your ex to begin with. Good luck OP!!!

milienhaus · 15/01/2019 11:37

I don’t think kids want sweet shops and the beach more than their mum OP, don’t worry! It sounds great that your son has a lovely place to visit but no need to live there full time (way less magical that way I’m sure!).

Interested in this thread?

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WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 15/01/2019 11:38

And they are always out at play areas or swimming or some other activity. Whereas with me, we stay in most evenings after school, do homework and reading, and I’ll get the dinner ready and bath him

His dad has never had to do the parenting bit, though has he - he's never had to so the school run or homework or afterschool clubs? If he's only ever had him every weekend he's never had to do the drudge, of course it's all singing and dancing Disney dad time.

What would you do if you had your DS at the weekend? I bet you'd have some fun!

You don't have to agree to anything - let him move away, see how it goes with your new life. Review the situation later.

the99 · 15/01/2019 11:39

We went to live with our grandparents as children due to our DM's mental health and GPs being able to offer us a better quality of life.

It had huge benefits but huge difficulties. We went to a better school and had lots of out of school activities and hobbies with our GPs. Childhood was generally very good. However, there was a huge cost to our relationships with our mum.

My sisters still aren't over the insecurity and sense of abandonment. I think a lot of it was due to being kept in the dark and not really knowing why we couldn't see Mum or why she wasn't visiting us.

I had a very tricky relationship with my mother but that was probably due to her MH difficulties and my not understanding as a child. We're now very close.

I suppose in the days of FaceTime and everything it'll be easier to maintain a relationship.

Would you be able to visit regularly between his visits to you?

What does your instinct say?

I sometimes think I'd rather have stayed home watching TV with my mum but understand why they made that decision.

It's very difficult.

frazzledasarock · 15/01/2019 11:46

And this is why I point blank refused ex contact every weekend.

Where do you get the fun downtime with your DS?

Tell your ex that for now you’re happy for the every other weekend as you’ve missed out on the fun weekends which you now have an opportunity to have.

You might find having the chance to go to the park/cinema/out for breakfast/have duvet dad/picnics on the sitting room floor/ whatever on your weekends will actually give you a chance to have a share of the fun times too.

Your ex has no idea about the durdgery of daily parenting, there’s a good chance he won’t be so thrilled by the reality of it. For now he can move and establish the new contact pattern. You can reassess in future if you and more importantly your ds wants to. I doubt your ds will want to, dc do need routine and discipline and a time to do their homework.

incywincybitofa · 15/01/2019 11:53

I think you need to remember your son has a primal bond to you. A strong and deep connection that survives the many feck ups of parenting that we all make.
Its stronger than games consoles, expensive toys, swimming lessons and sweet shops.
You haven't had the time with him to do the weekend stuff because that's been dad time. You will be able to now.
Check what benefits and rates you get at the sports centre
Board games are great fun too you know
And if hes helping in a sweet shop it may not be a treat so much as necessity for childcare
You are viewing this through a self depreciating perspective but actually there are other ways to see the situation and the crucial role you have in his life.

yoohooitsme · 15/01/2019 12:00

Just an idea - can you make this good for all of you? Have you condidered moving to the seaside yourself, new school for your son and new start for you. Continue the same contact routine.

You could plan it in for the new school year and take your time to get ready to move forward.X

williteverend99 · 15/01/2019 12:01

If your ex is so concerned about his son’s lack of weekend activities he can pay for them himself. Look up local football/lego/drum classes and invite your ex to pay.

Your DS needs his mum, not a disney dad.

sollyfromsurrey · 15/01/2019 12:03

How come you are struggling financially so much if you DSs father is so well off? Is he paying fair maintenance? Seems strange that he is in a nice house whereas you, the RP is living in social housing.

Littleraindrop15 · 15/01/2019 12:11

If I was in the same position as you I would let my son go with his father because he would benefit greatly from the lifestyle that at the moment you can not provide. I would also move to the same area and sort out my housing and money situation so that I can gain an even footing.

Perhaps do a trial of 6months and see how your son feels the most important thing is how he feels about the situation. Sometimes we have to do what is best for the child even though the choice is horrible.

Jackshouse · 15/01/2019 12:16

Doing homework, having dinner and playing after school is the norm. I don’t think it is your son’s best interests to move.

If his father wants his child to have more materially then he can hand over more money eg pay for swimming or football lessons or whatever your son is in to.

If the bullying issues is not solved then he can move schools within your area.

LuluMelons · 15/01/2019 12:34

Let him take you to court.

NEVER move near to your ex as a pp has suggested. He fecided to moved, you don't move with him.

I hope things look better for you.

zippey · 15/01/2019 13:22

He sounds like a great dad, and sounds like he has the best interests of his child. Have you asked your son for his opinion? The bullying and lifestyle change would make me seriously consider his proposal.

incywincybitofa · 15/01/2019 14:33

Lifestyle is not actually what makes a child happy its the secure parenting bonds. If he were to be taken from you he wouldn't see it as a wonderful lifestyle opportunity he would see it as either you or he had done something very wrong. He would see 6 years of stability being yanked from underneath him there would be no constant at all. He would spend time with his dad in a different way in a different town where he knew no one and his mum was several hours away, hed start a new school uncertain of bullying and the other staff and pupils and to chuck more instability in by saying well this maybe forever or for 6 months will not be reassuring for him either.

Reaa · 15/01/2019 14:36

Can you move with DS, closer to where they are going too?

larrygrylls · 15/01/2019 14:49

These kinds of threads make me sad.

Children are not toys. They need consistency and routine. How dare he just move 4 hours away!

Equally, OP, you need to fight FOR your son, not just so you can have fun with him. Deal with your mental health or at least learn to live with it.

You need to find a way to co parent effectively. The father should maybe rethink this move, why is it a fait accompli?! Can you not talk to him about it? Surely a 4 hour move will affect his career too?

HJWT · 15/01/2019 14:55

Children don't need all the tech, toys and sweets they also don't NEED to go out every weekend. He is your son and be needs you.

Wallsbangers · 16/01/2019 09:22

You've been left with all the actually parenting jobs (homework, school meetings, chores) while your ex gets to Disney parent at the weekend and therefore thinks it's easy peasy? The "family unit" comment is absolutely outrageous. Presumably you haven't been dating because your looking after your son?!

Your son needs a stable environment and that's you. Stick to every other weekend or once a month so you get to have some fun time with him too. Make sure you discuss how your son will be getting to their new location, he's moved away so he needs to make the arrangements.

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