AIBU not to want to be a 1950s housewife?

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Since the birth of my 3rd dc my dh has constantly complained about my inability to keep on top of the domestic chores. They are aged 9,4 and 2. I have a 25 min drive (one way) to school every day for the eldest and the 4yr old goes to preschool 3 days a week, I always have my 2 yr old with me and dh works 6 days a week. I do quite a bit of volunteer work at the school church in order to help my younger two get a school place and to keep myself slightly sane! My dh wants me to stop all my volunteering so that I can focus on 'keeping house'. I’m constantly tidying up, washing, wiping bums, driving round after them etc etc: I’m on the go 24.7. Yes it's a bit messy at time but what do you expect with 3dcs? Surely its more important to spend time with them whilst they're young rather than getting them to watch TV whilst I tidy up. AIBU to expect him to understand and respect the fact that my role within our family is to nurture my children rather than focus all my attention on keeping house!?

Agree with you entirely but DH is the one you've got to convince. He sounds a bit controlling tbh.

Children don't look back and remember a super tidy house with fondness, they remember time with their parents and feeling safe and loved.

If he doesn’t like it he can help you or pay for a cleaner. Alternatively bribe the 9 yr old to do some jobs. 9 and 4 both old enough to help with little jobs - wash up, load dishwasher, put away toys, lay table etc

I had children of about those ages (older now) and worked two days a week then plus kept the house pretty clean and tidy with no problems. What is it that isn’t getting done? Or does he have stupidly high standards when it comes to tidiness? How many hours a week are you volunteering for?

I volunteer about 2 days a week. There's always a pile of washing. Mainly the the hallway and kitchen are messy, especially after the school run - they just dump everything by the front door. So when he comes in from work it's a mess and then it's tidy before bed and then it's a mess after the school run.

If he's that bothered about it tell him to tidy it up. He doesn't get to not be a parent and pitch in because he works!

Tell him to volunteer at the church for the school place, I'm sure they have activities during the evening, and give him a cloth when he comes home.
Or ask him to pay for a cleaner, A sahp is not a skivvy they are raising children.
You don't see nursery staff hoovering up, cleaning toilets, unless somebody else is working with the kids.
Why should it be different for a sahp. Tell him the "P" describes your role.

Yes and no.
If you’re not working, and you are mostly taking care of the kids, both of whom are of school going age, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your home to be kept clean and tidy. That’s not being a 1950s housewife, that’s being a grown up.

That said, I would expect your husband and your two older children to help with age appropriate chores.

I can understand him saying give up volunteering your time to help others when you don’t seem to have the time to keep your own house clean. I still personally wouldn’t like to be told that though.

Read further down. They’re not babies!!! Tell them to stop dumping their stuff in the halls!! Make them put their bags and coats and shoes away properly. They are certainly old enough.

I suppose if roles were reversed and I was working full time and DH was at home with two school-age children and one pre-schooler and was doing volunteering for two days and the house was a mess, I might suggest he volunteered less.

Definitely train the older two up though.

There is a saying I read online somewhere about 'dishes in sink and a full laundry basket mean happy kids' or something way more poetic! But sentiment is true. So long as it's not causing stress. I agree with you OP!

I am a trailing ex-pat spouse who can't work in this country due to qualifications not transferring so I found myself being a SAHM who does quite a bit of volunteer work with a husband who is a workaholic and is useless domestically.

I do my share of the housework and he hires a cleaner to come 3 times a week to do his end, as well as a gardener and a handyman.

I consider this fair.

I agree with your husband here actually.

How do you think working parents manage it? We raise our children, work and keep a tidy home.

Tidy home and happy children are not mutually exclusive things.

The 9yo and the 4yo should be putting their coats shoes and bags etc in the right places every day.

Your dh is BU to expect a perfectly clean and tidy house whenever he is in it. And I certainly hope that on his one day off per week he actively contributes to whatever needs doing that day.

I have one kid and I have a giant pile of laundry everyday. Men don't get it. Dh constantly tells me I don't do anything all day. Wtf?! We don't stop all day. How about putting a basket by the hallway do the kids throw their stuff in that way there's some order?

I can remember complaining to my mum about dirty handprints on paintwork and windows. She told me I'd be wishing them back one day and she was sort of right.
With the mess comes life, things we are doing and responsibilities to do other things.
My dh has far higher standards than me, I'm quite bad actually. He's given up, sometimes he'll say something and I'll apologise and step up, because I know he's right.
We can't all be the same, I can spend all day tidying and end up in a worse place than when I started.
My family find it bemusing.

The children need somewhere to put their school stuff. I have always had a big chest, the shoes go in there, bags on top. Coats hung up. Hate a messy hall, it is the first thing you see and the place you are most likely to trip over something.

Washing is a never ending job. The DCs have laundry baskets in their rooms. The Ikea folding ones are good. Or my friend has sort of large supermarket baskets with handles. Those come down for washing as needed.

If you provide containers for shoes, bags, clothes, there is no excuse for them not to use them. It is not your job to do everything. Think at school when they use pens, paper, crayons etc. the teacher tells them to put everything away.

Go to B&M, home bargains, Aldi or whatever you have in your area and buy the containers, they are not expensive.

Instagram has some good ideas. On this page click on the circles at the top of the page for ideas.

www.instagram.com/mrs_roobottom_home/

I have 3 dc including a baby. My house is never tidy (some days better than others). This is because my middle dc creates a huge mess and the baby well you can imagine the paraphernalia. The other reason is that I have a hobby that keeps me sane that I devote time to (full-time sahm) I have reasoned that staying sane is more important than a tidy house (even though the latter does sometimes get me down) and I am fortunate that my dh understands this and understands that I need 'me' time and that it is hard work looking after a baby all day, let alone a house. I am hoping my home will become tidier as my children get older - my eldest is fairly tidy and keeps her room lovely.