Am I being unreasonable?

[1stimemama]

I am a bridesmaid for my close friend’s wedding this summer. She recently sent me her plans for a hen do which involve going away for 2 nights. My baby will be 8 months by this time (3months now) and I really don’t want to leave her for so long. My husband works away so won’t be home to look after her which means I would have to ask my mum who lives 2 hours away. I know she wouldn’t mind but since my daughter was born it’s literally been her and I every day and night and I don’t know how she would be if I was suddenly gone Friday to Sunday. I’m also breastfeeding and although she will be weaned at 6 months I imagine she’ll probably still want a night feed at 8 months and up until now won’t tolerate a bottle when I’ve tried expressing. I tried to explain all of this to my friend and suggested I come for daytime activities or maybe even 1 night depending on how things are at the time but her response is clearly annoyed and she questioned whether I should even be a bridesmaid 🙁

I told her I would rather be honest now than say I would attend for the whole weekend then let her down at the last minute.

Just wondering what you would all do?

I wouldn't go. No way would I of left my baby.

You can't go your baby is too young. Your friend should understand.

Meet her for coffee taking the baby with you. Explain again as gently as you can that you can't leave the baby for 2 nights, but you can come for daytime activities. Explain that 8 months is the wrong age to leave her for so long with someone else. Tell her you're looking forward to being a bridesmaid but if she thinks it's unworkable you totally understand. Hopefully while you're with her the baby will need feeding and changing and she'll get that it's really not practical for you to come.

No, you're not being unreasonable but unfortunately your friend may not understand this without children of her own. Hugs to you for trying to do the best thing by everyone

I’m sure your baby can cope for 2 nights. That isn’t the point though, you can’t and that’s ok. As your friend she she be able to see this and wouldn’t expect it. You are a mother and leaving your baby is hard. You need to explain how you feel, if she doesn’t understand she’s not a friend worth keeping

You were right to be honest and it's ok to feel that you wouldn't want to leave your baby for 2 nights at a young age. I would respond and say that you are really happy to be bridesmaid but of course you are also a mother first and foremost. If not being able to go the hen do for 2 nights is a deal breaker for the bride then perhaps she should choose someone else, no hard feelings.

It sounds like you don't want to be apart from the baby. I think he baby would be fine and you have childcare so technically there's no reason why you shouldn't go.
If it means a lot to your friend that you go perhaps you should.

You must do what's right for you

If your friend doesn't understand, then ask her if she still wants you to be bridesmaid

If not, then you know where you are.

I wouldn't have left a young baby either. Tell your friend up front that it is not on the cards. When she has her own baby she'll understand. I'm sure she doesn't expect everyone that she has invited to attend, you won't be the only absentee.

Do it now, quickly and concisely but nicely.

There's no way I would plan to go. You can't possibly know how that baby will be in the future.
8 months is when separation anxiety kicks in and she will almost certainly still be waking in the night (unless you are very lucky).
Also you say the baby will be weaned at 6 months...it's a slow gradual process and by 8 months the baby will still be feeding on much milk, highly likely to be the majority of their diet still.

That said, the bride will be up to her eyes with wedding planning, nerves and anxiety. To her, you are rocking the boat and this is irritating when she wants things to go smoothly.

You can only calmly explain, be sad and gutted to be missing out (pretend as it's obviously the last thing you want to do). Suggest a second hen that you could take the baby to or something that you could leave the baby for, for a couple of hours in the afternoon or early evening.

Thanks for all your replies. I have let her know that I do still want to be bridesmaid but just can’t leave my baby while she will still need me so much. I’d be miserable company anyway as I’d just be worrying about her all the time.

Just to clarify she is also a mother so I thought she would understand. I also did ask what she wanted for a hen do when she asked me to be a bridesmaid as I was pregnant at the time and said I wouldn’t be able to go away. At that time she said she didn’t want to go away but was thinking of something very low key like a bbq at home.
Obviously we would have arranged something a bit more exciting than a bbq at home for her but I feel I was clear from the get go when she’s implying I shouldn’t have accepted being a bridesmaid 🙁

This wedding is turning out to be far more stressful than my own was!

I wouldn’t go either. If she decided I was no longer bridesmaid I’d accept that graciously (but be quite hurt privately).

I wouldn’t allow anyone to emotionally blackmail me into leaving my baby before I was ready though.

I would not have gone and DD was ff and DH would have been looking after her.

You have done the right thing.

5 months is a long time away. Perhaps explain that you aren't able to commit right now but if the planets align by then you might be able to come for a night. Or could your mum come too so that you are on hand when needed with baby but can join the girls for some of the fun?

Just do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. And if bride doesn't like it then she's bridezilla for sure.

I have a baby about 8 months and I'm still not ready to leave her overnight. It's ok to say no.

Nope you’re not being unreasonable, you’ve told her you can come for the days, not the nights and that’s absolutely reasonable. Don’t sweat it.