Social services involved after boyfriend cleared of controlling behaviour

[jlr78]

Hello

I would like some advice please.....

My boyfriend was arrested last week after his ex called the police to accuse him of controlling and coercive behaviour against me. These allegations were not true and he was released without charge, and allowed to return to the family home.

During questioning, my boyfriend and I confessed to one incident where we had an argument which resulted in me locking him out of the house. He stupidly drank a bottle of spirits and decided to self-harm. I think this was a cry for help as our relationship was going through a few issues. I let him back into the house and we made up. Not entirely sure how it happened but when we got to bed, we got into a tug of war over the duvet, which resulted in him being on top of me with my head under the duvet. My eldest daughter heard the scuffle and it ended, and we slept in separate rooms for the night. The next day we discussed what happened as adults, and acknowledged that things got out of hand and what happened was very wrong. We have been fine since. The arrest happened 6 weeks later because his ex made some false allegations

Because he was arrested and we both admitted this incident happened, the social services are now involved after a police referral.

We are both very scared about the possible outcome! I don’t want them to take my two children away or make him leave! The children would be emotionally traumatised if he had to leave, and we would struggle financially.

We both acknowledge that this incident was wrong and under no circumstance should we end up in any situation which could be deemed as domestic violence.

We have spoken very honestly with each other about what has caused the arguments between us - impotence, his ex, and a male friend of mine who I was messaging inappropriately. All issues have been resolved now.

My boyfriend has been to the doctor to speak to them about his self-harm, and the issues were making him quite angry (but never violent apart from this one incident)

We have both discussed that we should also contact mind and relate to discuss his mental health and our relationship issues, and we are happy to attend any courses that might benefit us and make our relationship stronger.

We are very worried about social services, and would like some advice on how to deal with them.

How do I prove that I would always put my children first?

How do I prove to SS that my children are safe and protected?

Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

Sounds like social services are needed. I wouldn’t be comfortable knowing there were kids in that dysfunctional situation. That’s not normal.

They aren't there to take away your children. That is the last resort as they realise how traumatising it can be for children. They are there to support the family to make sure the children are safe. If you can show you are taking on board what they are saying and are making positive choices, they shouldn't take away your children.

You say you’ve been fine since this incident, but you also say it was only 7 weeks ago if I’m counting right. And it must have been terrifying for your daughter to see it.

Best thing you can do with social services is work with them, do what they suggest, and show them you take incidents like that one very very seriously to the point where you are prepared to leave him if needed. You say you both discussed that incident the morning after and agreed it should not happen again which is good - but you also talk about it like you’re minimising the seriousness of it, calling it a ‘scuffle’ and a ‘tug of war’, so if social services also pick up on that they may well worry you don’t appreciate how bad this is.

op this is not a normal or healthy relationship, you need to post in relationships, as you will get more support and advice there. Social service will be working with you to ensure your children are safe. They are not emotional safe at the moment but you either don't want or can't see that.
You need to be completely honest with yourself. Why did you lock him out? That's not normal.
Drinking spirits and self harming; what help is he getting for this? Did DC witness the self-harm?
Him pinning you down and smothering you with a duvet is so far off the scale of 'normal' this is really, really not okay, but you are minimising it, he could have suffocated you and your dc would then have no mother.
You need to step up and protect your daughter. When the social worker sees you, s/he will be able to advise you re finances, as it seems this is the main reason you are still with your partner/boyfriend.

They won’t want to take your children away but I would follow their advice and recommendations.
It sounds like there are some things to work on in your relationship and if they have anything that can help with that then make use of it. They might ask you to live separately for a bit and if they do then see that as time to work on your relationship.
I’m confused about why his ex called that police.
I’d also agree with your DP that I’m future if you have arguments that he goes away for the night to avoid it escalating as it did

You're minimising what happened by saying "we got into a tug of war over the duvet, which resulted in him being on top of me with my head under the duvet" - do you mean he smothered/suffocated you with the duvet and your child witnessed it?

I think social services will be keen to see you both actually acknowledge what happened and the impact on your child.

The only way to prove you will always put your children first is to end your relationship if these things have happened.

The only way you put your children first is end this toxic, dangerous relationship. And improve your boundaries. Protect your children.

The way your describing it is the way people minimise the abuse in their relationship. It's not at all normal for your partner to end up on top of you over a disagreement about a duvet. If you relay it like this ss will have cause to doubt your ability to make sensible assessments in what is and isn't okay behaviour. You need to start making it clear that you don't think that there is no room for this in a relationship.