Feel like I've failed as a Mum

[74Stephanie]

Not sure what to do now. My situation doesn't sound as serious as some of the other I've read about but to me it's really hurting. I have 3 children, ds12, dd9 & ds7. We are going through a hormonal change with both by eldest son and daughter which I expect. However last night my eldest son went to a new level. He came home from school and was fine, we talked about his day, everything ok etc. He went to his room for chilling time before tea. I ask if he could collect all the white washing from the wash baskets and bring it down and all hell broke loose. He came down shouting he wasn't doing it to me replying that his pocket money would be deducted. He then ate his tea and after his sister said something he didn't like he smacked her around the head. I intervened as Dad wasn't home form work and I ended up with him shouting in my face that I needed to leave him alone, pushing me, trying to push me over. He grabbed by arms really hard an pinned me up against the sink. He then stormed off upstairs to put a hoodie on with his shoes and tried to "leave home" with nothing else!!. He didn't make it but went to his room. After quite a number of hours I spoke to him saying what he had done wasn't acceptable and if that had happened whilst he was living with a girl he would be arrested for DV. An hour later he came down said a tiny I'm sorry and went to bed. Nothing more said this morning.
His little brother age 7 then said this morning while I was moaning about the mess in the house that women and girls are here to do the housework and cooking and men and boys are here to play on the X Box!!.

Where have I gone wrong!. Dad has never used any violence against me. Admittedly he has grabbed the kids and marched them up to their rooms when they wouldn't co-operate. Dad doesn't do as much as I would like around the house but I am trying to work on that.

I intend to have a word with everyone at the dinner table tonight but what do I say other than I'm not willing to accept this behaviour. I can't see it stopping unless there are some consequences but they need to be quite strong I believe.

Any help would be appreciated. Currently hate living in the family home but am old enough and sensible enough to realise that they are my children and I need to stay.

Thanks

I would frog march the little terror straight into the police station to speak to the juvenile liaison officer. No ducking way would I have that going on under my roof, you’ll be in for a world of trouble when he’s older and stronger. This is too serious to accept an apology over. I would speak to his principal too. The juvenile liaison officer will just speak to him not arrest him.

I’m struggling too and only have one DD. I’m actually at breaking point so going to speak to someone at the children’s centre tomorrow to see what strategies I can use to improve things, as I can see it only getting worse the older she gets. I suspect she’s got learning difficulties too so that doesn’t help.

Could you contact your local children’s centre too? Perhaps also try a family meeting and putting a list of house rules with chores together as a starting point, and ageee consequences of not doing chores/breaking rules.

And take the Xbox, take the tablet, knock off the wifi. Absolutely no treats whatsoever for him, and it’ll do the younger lad no harm to see there’s more to being a man than having Xbox time

I thought about taking my DD to the police station last night, but then remembered that although the police should be seen as an authority figure I don’t want her to be scared incase she ever needs to approach them for help.

They are an authority figure and they will be there to help. They’ll be there to help his future girlfriends, or his mother, or his sister, in 5 years time when he assaults them. Because I grew up in a house where my brother got away with hitting me, and hitting my mother. And I’m 30 years old now and he last beat me up in October in my own home. He was arrested for it. And the sad thing?? He gave me worse beatings as a teenager.

Make no mistake, If he did that to his teacher or a girl in school the police would be called.

Get rid of the x box for a start!

How are things going on for him at school? Could he be struggling or being bullied?
What are his friendships like? There’ll be a reason he’s lashing out.
Talk to him.
Whatever is going on for him, it doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable so it’s good that you’re going to address it tonight.
Also address how you all want to go forward. What will make you all happier and home life more calm.

@Fabaunt that’s a good point, it needs nipping in the bud now.

My heart goes out to you...it is a really, really tough time.

We had similar scenes at age 11-13...and there was definitely one time he tried the old patriarchy line on me.

I can't think of a better way of tackling things than the plan you have to sit down with them and say that the way things are is unacceptable. My DS is now 15. It's clearer with hindsight that he DID want boundaries and that all the ways I stood up for cause-consequence and right treatment of others have counted. However, we're not home and dry yet...

I don't think there's any one single method that helps with this problem. It takes the kitchen sink! The things that I've learned I can do are:

Control Wifi access and screen time. Every moment spent gaming means that DS is passing up on an activity that's more likely to develop his frontal cortex.

Prioritize sleep.

Prioritize exercise.

If there are still problems, seek expert help.

With mean, violent or malicious behaviour (as opposed to clumsiness, impulsivity, etc.) take a Rudy Giuliani broken windows approach. Pay attention. Give consequences. Talk. Work out why. Sometimes it's best not to talk right away because the feelings are SO intense on both sides they need time to die down.

Talk about feelings. Make sure it is OK for DCs to express negative feelings verbally. By this, I mean don't respond by looking on the bright side, or rationalising things away. Respond by making it clear you've really heard them. Use their words if you can.