DS(4) off school with "tummy ache" and I'm feeling played

[Anticyclone]

DS1(4) is in reception and has been struggling with the return to school after the Xmas break. He was tearful on the first day before and during school, and on the second. I know this is totally normal and it doesn't help that he is one of the youngest either.

This morning he was moaning and writhing around saying he had a tummy ache, and I've given him the benefit of the doubt and let him stay at home. But I've forced him to stay in his room, in bed, with no toys or books to try and make it as boring as possible. But of course now he seems totally fine and I'm pissed off as now I'm missing my only regular (weekly) playgroup with DS2.

I really don't want this to become a "thing", what do I need to do to make sure he doesn't try and pull this stunt again?

Take him in after lunch.

Sick little boys have to stay in bed, no toys, no fun, no playing. Or you could still bring him in now, saying he was poorly this am.

Reading that back I don't sound very sympathetic! I do appreciate how hard it is for him in his first year of big school. I just want to nip this in the bud before he starts thinking he can regularly get out of school this way. I've suggested taking him in later but he insists his tummy still hurts.

You’re the parent. Is he sick?

I used to give my DD a dose of pain relief and send her to school (if I suspected a swift recovery was imminent) and say the school could ring me and pick her up if she was unwell. By the time she got to school she'd forgotten about the tummy ache.
But, keep an eye on it. It can be a way that little ones express they are not happy at school.

The tummy ache could be real but anxiety-related - he really did have a tummy ache at the thought of going to school, but it went once you'd said he didn't have to. I went through a long period of anxiety related tummy aches when I was older than him (but still primary aged) and being accused of making it up didn't help, but nor does just letting the child avoid the thing they're anxious about. Presumably you've talked with him about why he hasn't wanted to go back to school since Christmas?

Sick days at our house involved being in bed, with the curtains drawn, no TV or toys and minimal very boring food (eg plain toast).

wow, you're punishing him for feeling poorly (possibly) and struggling at school, and he's 4?

If he eats his lunch then take him in. If he doesn't then keep him home.

I wouldn't suggest to a 4 year old that he goes to school. I would make a decision either way and do it. If he's been reluctant to go back after the Christmas break, he's upping his game by having a sore stomach. He now knows this works.

Have you talked to him about his feelings about school?

My year 1 six year who is a very anxious soul does this. If they don’t have a temperature and they eat a normal breakfast, they go in. If he seems really uncomfortable , I do give him a dose of calpol. I always tell the teacher but she knows him and has an understanding that it it most likely anxiety related.

He was fine at school during Autumn term and really seemed to be enjoying it and thriving, so I'm a bit surprised that he's suddenly being so negative about it.

Yesterday he said that the school day was too long and he missed us, which is all perfectly valid. I'm just hoping that it's the shock of going back after the fun of Christmas and it will settle down next week.

I'm just trying to mindful not to set up any behaviour patterns now that could cause problems in the future.

So what was the question in the initial thread? Kid doesn’t like spending the day in school, shocker.

I have a 4 year old who has a tummy ache every day at school. It's real. It's because she's anxious and she's refusing to eat there. I'm about to take her out and home educate but just bear in mind it could be a real tummy ache that he's feeling even if he is miraculously better when he gets home.

I would think that he's enjoyed less routine over the holidays, spending time with you and his brother. Now school's restarted, he wants to stay home and carry on like he did over Christmas. Like us going back to work after a holiday. It's a thought, but we know we need to get on with it.

You should have just given him some painkillers and sent him even at 4.

If he was truly sick and unwell, the school would send him home.

He will now probably try again tomorrow and a for a few school days after but just send him and he'll soon realise that won't work.

For a lot of children, especially very young ones, a cozy day at home with mum is preferable to school. It’s probably also compounded by the younger sibling being at home and going to playgroup and so on, after all it was less than a year ago he was doing those things. Unfortunately it can become a vicious circle, the more the child stays at home and misses out on lessons and being part of friendship groups the more they want to stay at home because they feel left behind because of what they’ve missed.

Unless he’s becoming extremely distressed by going to school he needs to go in. I think a bright, breezy, “solider on and you’ll probably feel better later” attitude is best.

My son has just started doing this (aged 6). He loves school but is a little bit behind with reading and writing and seems to have just noticed / started to care that others are ahead. I believe his tummy aches are real but caused by anxiety. I have been telling him to breathe slowly and deeply and think about something nice for a few minutes if he gets a stomach ache and sometimes he says it goes away but lately he has been saying it comes back or doesn't work.

Is it best to talk to suggest to the child that it is because his is anxious? Or best to try not to let him link tummy aches with anxiety? He seemed really confused why he should have to stay in school if he is 'ill'.

I had this with my dd (now 11 and at secondary). I suggest booking time to see the teacher. My dd struggled with what was later described by GP as abdominal migraine. You need to look at ways of working with it not against it and talking to the teacher is a good start.
I did all kinds of daft stuff like sew a button into her skirt which she could hold on to if she was having a tough moment. We also made a little teddy together out of an old T-shirt and the teacher let her keep it safe. A bumpy road but it kind of worked.

I'm going to go against the grain. As he's already off I'd make the most of him being home and spend some time with him. I'd take his temperature and say - oh gosh you do have a temperature, you must be feeling really poorly and watch a film together or something. Then later (after school finishes) I'd take it again and say, oh good you must be better now - that's lucky you can go to school tomorrow and be done with it. Don't let him think he has a choice, make your decision and stick to it!

DS has it - the stomach ache is real but its due to anxiety (sometimes it even causes retching and bringing things up). I have learnt the signs and I simply say its fine I know it hurts but that he is fine for school. He is fine when there.

Thank you for your input. I would be tempted to take him in for the afternoon if DS2 didn't need his nap at exactly that point! I've had a long chat with him about his feelings and him missing us during the day at school, and I'm just hoping he'll be happier tomorrow.

Oh bless him. He’s not even of legal school age (even with the UK’s crazy early start to education!) and he’s obviously feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything. I think, against the grain, lots of love and time, and not a tough love approach, is needed.
Also young children are not good at specifiying where they feel unwell and children feeling off colour (whether from anxiety to headache to sore throat) will often complain of tummy ache. I hope he feels back to himself soon and can settle into the school routine soon.

DS2 used to feel sick at school, which we eventually pinned down to dehydration. Northernsights I like the headology!

My DD is 6 now but for the past few years often gets tummy ache if she's worried or excited. As your son is only little and presumably hasn't complained of tummy ache before I would accept it and not encourage him to over-think it. If it becomes a regular thing you will soon learn to spot when he's actually poorly and when its anxiety or made up.

I think putting him to bed with no distraction or attention is pretty hard as he's only little and doesn't have form for bunking off school! When my DC are poorly I make them a nest with blankets on the sofa and they are allowed to watch TV - how miserable to be 4 years old, feeling poorly (or worried) and all alone in bed.

Only if actively throwing up do I keep them upstairs to try to minimise exposure for the rest of the family!