How do you deal with tantrums in a public place?

[Porkyprincess]

I have a 2 year old daughter and of course when I tell people she is 2, people say Ah! Are you going through the terrible twos yet? I've always said no, as she has been a relatively relaxed child. Until up to recently...

Today was the worst time I've ever had with her and I can't believe it even happened!
Today I went into Wilkos (just a home store if nobody knows what it is/ doesn't have one) and she wanted to get out of the pushchair and help me by pushing along the basket and putting in the bits I needed. She was brilliant and she felt really good knowing she'd help me with our shopping! While shopping she picked up some crisps and I said they were fine for her to have later on. After we paid, she grabbed at the back to pull out the crisps. I told her not until later on when we are sat down. That was it. End of the world for her and burst into tears. She carried on grabbing at the bag but I pulled away her arm each time, she then lay on the shop floor, kicking, screaming and just basically screeching like a banshee!
Obviously, I got looks from several people and one of the shop assistants turned and said "I know that all too well. Although I would have given in by now! there was no way I was giving in to her demands to have the crisps straight away.
I tried the ignore approach and walked away and said me and her sister would be going home now (sister is 3 months) but she still carried on lying on the floor and screeching. I then went down to her level and tried to cuddle her and tell her why I wanted her to wait to have her crisps and that she was upsetting me. Didn't work, she just thrashed about in my arms. A lady and her husband who were just staring me down and muttering words to each other, then followed me around the corner as I managed to (somehow) coax my daughter away from the crowd of people staring at us. She said "whats when the matter with her?" to which I replied "I don't know love, if I knew I'd stop her from crying!" we then left the shop, me pushing the pushchair with one hand and dragging my daughter with the other. She continued to scream and kick and thrash when we got outside, so I took us into a alleyway and picked her up, and attempting to put her in the pushchair. She went stiff like an ironing board and slithered out of the seat 6 times before I managed to hold her down in the pushchair and as quickly as possible strap her in. Obviously, she was still absolutely screeching and shaking with rage because I was apparently the mummy from hell who wouldn't give her the crisps she wanted there and then!
I just stood in that alley way and cried, literally cried my eyes out through absolute anger and embarrassment. While crying, I didn't even realise I was in the way of a disabled man in his wheelchair with his carer walking along side of him. I apologised like crazy saying I was incredibly sorry for being in their way with my pushchair. The lady said there was no need to say sorry and asked me if I was okay and I gulped back more of the tears and just nodded. My daughter finally calmed down after 15 mins or so and when we got home I told her how upset I was with her behaviour and didn't switch on the tv like she demanded. She is now quiet while eating her tea, knowing she has done wrong.
I feel so upset and feel like I don't know if I handed the situation well enough.
I'm wondering how other people have / would handle this situation? I'd love to hear advice and take away some tips in case this happens again!

Happens constantly for my child with SN, I think you handled it just fine. It happens there are big emotions to contend with.

My child does this all the time but doesn’t have the capacity to have a conversation or understand me. People say some horrible things often, I just ignore them.

When my DS was a similar age, he went into a meltdown in a supermarket, initially I tried to coax him, to no avail. I just said I was leaving, and walked away. As soon as I was out of sight, he stopped got up and ran after me. An older couple had obviously seen this and asked if he was alright, I explained that I had told him he couldn't have something, and was just having a tantrum, they nodded, smiled and said Ah.
Never happened again.

I did it thousands of times, walked out of shops with either a rigid or thrashing child under my arm. I had to poke mine in the stomach so he would bend to strap him in the buggy, I honestly wished that buggies would come with handcuffs, however I didn't get charged with shoplifting, he would be picking up things at his level & stuffing them in the basket under the buggy, refuse to walk & lay on the floor, scream when I tried to pick him up, anyone looking on must have thought I was kidnapping him. Most parents go through this, they can be little angels for one parent & an evil devilchild for the other. They do eventually grow out of it & then they start with their teacher being the patron saint of knowledge & how you know nothing.

You were more polite to that nosy couple than I'd be! Followed you round the corner!

Ah I think you did the only thing you could have done. My DD is only 8 months but I've worked as a nanny to a 2&5year old. I don't think there's any great way of managing behaviour when they lose control of themselves in public. You almost have to sit it out. Well done today! X

Sounds like you handled it very well!

My method was

1. avoidance and distraction when they looked on the edge e.g 'was that a polar bear I just saw running around the corner, let's go and look', pull a funny face and ask them to do a funnier one, giving them a task e.g find the carrots, find something red, have a biscuit or something fiddly in a packet. On one occasion I leaned in and licked his nose which worked quite well. Once when I was very sleep deprived I started dancing to the muzak in Debenhams, that worked too.

2. ignore - toddlers in tantrum mode are 100% invested in that tantrum. Anything you do or say once it starts will make it worse. My son would have three or four a day and it got to the point where I kept a book in my handbag, I'd move him to somewhere safe, sit next to him or stand over him and read. Ignore people unless they are saying something nice or helping. It isn't your parenting and 99% of people realise that (Dd was much less volatile than DS) but the 1% are the tutting and commentating people.

3. matter of fact dealing with it afterwards - oh dear, shall we get off the mucky floor now and get a banana or an apple? Suppress the emotion, be a zen Mary Poppins.

4. drink and celebrate the fact that you are one tantrum closer to them growing out of it. DD is 13 and is starting again, most of step 1 still works.

She has not 'done wrong'. She did not do this to embarrass you. It's part of their development. You did the right thing by not giving her the crisps as you had already said no. You have no reason to feel embarrassed she is very little. I used to follow Janet lansburys advice a lot when mine were going through this stage, really helped me to hear her tone of voice and phrases to say- she has free podcasts on her website.

lady and her husband who were just staring me down and muttering words to each other, then followed me around the corner as I managed to (somehow) coax my daughter away from the crowd of people staring at us. She said "whats when the matter with her?" to which I replied "I don't know love, if I knew I'd stop her from crying!"

^

You were politer than I would have been to them

You handled it so well, tried to distract, offered comfort, removed from situation. It's not nice but you got through it x

Ahh op, we have all been there. Sometimes they just get so far into their rage that there is nothing you can do but ride it out, no reasoning will work in that state. I have done the same as you, picked mine up taken them somewhere quieter and manhandled them into a pushchair/ car seat. Once they settle down I would give mine a hug because it got to the state especially with dd that she would end up looking quite shocked at herself. They do outgrow it, it sounds like you did just fine!

Don't worry, it surely happens to most parents at one time or another, my tactic was usually pin her under my arm and leave the shop as no amount of rationalising or threatening to walk away etc would affect her... The best piece of advice I had was to remember at that age, 2 and 3, they don't have the emotional control to stop themselves, no matter what you threaten / promise, their emotions are so overwhelming to them that they sometimes just can't stop themselves even if they want to.

At home I just ignore - and actually if there is someone else present (literally anyone including the baby) then starting a loud fake conversation about something completely different sometimes seemed to defuse the situation. Or total distraction - who's going to help me do xyz - or just sitting down and reading one of her books out loud til she calmed down and cane to join me. If you're out somewhere then just remove from the scene of the incident to a quieter place ASAP is the best you can do.

I also found that talking about it afterwards didn't really help, at that age they don't have the emotional sophistication to reflect on their actions etc - and remember she's not being naughty, she's just being 2! It just made her more upset thinking about it, so just put it behind you and move on. Good luck!

Toddlers don't understand later on.

I just used to carry them out under my arm like a sack.

For future though, the buggy thing. Plonk in and grab the Inbetween the legs strap, they can't slide out then. Fasten each clasp while holding the Inbetween strap then thread arms through. It's much quicker.

YOu handled perfectly until this point

I told her how upset I was with her behaviour and didn't switch on the tv like she demanded. She is now quiet while eating her tea, knowing she has done wrong.

Actually I have just reread - you didnt you made it about you as well and that she was upsetting you and you cried. This wasnt about you

She hasnt done anything wrong - she failed to understand why she wasnt allowed them. You said While shopping she picked up some crisps and I said they were fine for her to have later on. so for her that was once they were paid for (and give the girl some credit for that point - they were then hers). You changed the goal posts for her and she didnt understand why.

She is quiet because she doesnt understand what happened - she was having a nice time and then wanted a snack, you said no, she got upset and then when she got home she wasnt allowed tv

I have a 2.5 yr old for whom this is frequent. Luckily (?!) I have a 5yo who was even more intense and unpredictable so I’ve tried a few things... agree this is v normal, you handled it well overall, check out Janet Lansbury advice and also dr laura markham.

Shaming / big picture stuff isn’t that helpful and just makes them feel bad without understanding why... “you felt sad because I didn’t give you the crisps” type narration has helped my younger daughter develop the skills to articulate what’s going on herself.

Also, if you can see she’s about to kick off, it isn’t always worth the “don’t yield at any cost” approach. I thought I had to be utterly consistent first time round and now I have an utterly, consistently, unyielding 5yo. I’ve found stuff like “oh sure you want to hold the crisps? Great, we will open them when we sit down, you take care of them while we find somewhere” more helpful

Well done, though, it’s so overwhelming and draining. Thank god for strangers who say nice things when you’re in the thick of it x

@Quartz2208 yeah sorry, I didn't mean to make it about me. Although I was very upset. It's actually the first time I've ever had to deal with anything like that and I really had no idea how to handle it. Also, my mind just went into complete over drive when strangers were ogling and gossiping, I was in this intense paranoid state of "oh my goodness they must think I'm this horrible mother letting my child scream like this!"

@wtftodo you're so right, because all evening now I've been thinking about I could have managed a bit better and one thing that did pop into my head was saying she could hold them while we walk and then eat then once we are sat down. I'll definitely be using that tactic if this happenes again! X

Don’t be embarrassed. Your her mom. You’re not responsible for other people. Kids cry. If people are so delicate about it then public places aren’t the place for them.

I can’t help but think you’re making all this about you though. A two year old doesn’t realize her behaviour is causing you to be upset and frankly I wouldn’t be giving her that power.

I would pick her up and remove her from the situation, and let her cry it out.

Be clear as well - dont say eat them later because when she asked it was later. Say from the beginning and stick to it. Dont give room for interpretation - she is clearly switched on enough to see.

And for the most part people will be thinking been there done that glad its not me!

And dont continue it - dont punish afterwards keep it within the tantrum