I attended a parenting group....

[LifeHasGoneCrazy]

I'm a mum of 2, DD is 4 and DS is 2. Needed to go to a parenting group out of desparate need to socialise and learn new tips/tricks in behaviour management, tantrum control and discipline.

Am currently faced with a homework topic which I think has real potential to confuse and upset a lot of people in time for the next class ....

'What's the difference between good learning and bad learning? Examples?'

From a child's POV this a difficult one, right? Children can't possibly verbalise a good or bad learning experience (unless after learning ABC 123 they turn around and say 'Mummy that was fun!' or 'Oh no not that again, it's boring!', but adults can certainly talk about what is good/bad learning based on years of experience... in anything!

As a mum trying (and struggling!) to push the tantrum years (without much support from partner who is very dismissive of child development and behaviour theories!), is there anyone out there who can help me answer this question on a mature level?? I would love to hear from anyone else currently trying to understand the world from their own little one's minds/POV!!

I don't mind personal anecdotes. TIA!

I imagine they are looking for examples like 'good' learning being child led with challenging behaviour being addressed by behaviour modelling by patent etc.

While 'bad' learning would be led by and all about the expectations of the parent with behaviour modification attempted by force and punishment.

But that's just a guess, might be barking up the wrong tree.

My take on it would be that if the child throws a tantrum because its not allowed some sweets, so the parent gives them some sweets to stop the tantrum, then that's bad learning, since the child has learnt they can get their own way by having a tantrum.

Conversely good learning would be if the parent ignores the tantrum, so the child learns that they can't use bad behaviour to get their own way?

I think they are getting at positive and negative reinforcement? So if they ask for a lollipop and you say no, and then they throw a tantrum and you give in (we all do sometimes) then then the bad learning is that if you pester, no can change to yes. I think we can reduce the amount of bad learning by choosing our battles.

Oops, didn't realise I was almost exactly repeating the PP.

Thanks all! Really appreciate your time spent to read/answer this question, all made perfect sense and made me feel better... Having worked in schools for 10years before leaving to start a family, I learnt pretty quickly the difference between positive and negative reinforcement, so many of your answers triggered good memories that I now draw upon to help me through each day as a parent.

I have tried to keep on the straight and narrow with my own little darlings. I'm on the phone to my cool as cucumber dad at least once a week asking him how he coped with child development and behaviour battles... his best tip to date is "you don't need to yell or nag because your kids will only follow suit" which I couldn't agree more with. My mum isn't all that helpful beyond how to deal with childhood illnesses - she had a real scary "strict and physical discipline, unreasonable punishment and reverse pyschology because kids don't know any better" hat on throughout my childhood without much reprieve for positivity or afffection.

With next to zero support from my DP too, who very often belittles my parenting, but then hands the reign back to me after 10 minutes of failed "let me sort this out" smugness, poo on him! So forging my identity as a mum has been a battle.... But I am finally getting somewhere. Our DD (4yo) is slowly learning that tantrums are not going to work on me, I have a firm but fair NO MEANS NO attitude. When she goes into one for even the smallest of things, for example asking for sweets between meals, I keep my stance, I mean, you don't need rocket scientist intelligence. Of course, in-laws haven't respected this and ask why not, 'sweets can be used as rewards. She's been good for an hour and ate all her breakfast, don't be mean and selfish.' AIBU here to think WTF?! If I were to give in, hell would follow. My DS (2yo) is turning a bit stroppy lately, especially when he doesn't want to leave toddler group (thank goodness he doesn't really like sweets), but he has yet to learn that MY NO MEANS NO! You all certainly helped me provide answers during a debate in parenting class.... a real eye-opener. I had worried prior to enrolling on the course that maybe my parenting skills needed severe sharpening up, that maybe I was too lazy and needed my head sorting out, as my DP put it once. After sharing opinions & anecdotes on what is good learning and bad learning, it appeared that not everyone was on the same page regarding parenting. We all agreed that it's a flipping minefield of emotions, never-ending hardwork and confusion, especially with partners, family (and sometimes friends) and wider society all chipping away, trying to mould your head to that of a perfect parent when there really is no such thing... but no one knew in class what positive or negative reinforcement was and as a result, we're having an extra in-depth look next session, along with constructive and destructive criticism!!

Thanks again!

Another take on it...

Good learning - explaining why X (hitting sibling?) is wrong, why Y (time out and thinking about how sibling feels) is the consequence and why Z (apology) is the resolution.

Bad learning - don't hit your sibling smack

I'd also remember that bad learning can be a reference to picking up bad habits, having bad role models. Just look at children who have older siblings, they learn some undesirable behaviours before a child with no older siblings would. Of course older siblings can be a great source of good learning too ( my youngest potty trained himself after watching his older brother go through it)

Another one: bad learning due to parents lack of education, e.g a child starting reception having being taught to write their name in capitals!! (A bug Bear of mine) then the teacher having to help the child relearn to write their name properly.

Exactly what anotheroriginalusernamesaid.

Explained much better than I could.

Children are always learning, always!!! Not just what we choose to teach them but what they see and do at every moment of their life.

Ooh, also you should read up on growth mindset and positive praise, and why praise can be very damaging Indeed if done wrong ( telling a child they are clever, a great artist, really good at football for example are very bad ways of praising children)

I would say there’s no such thing as good learning and bad learning- it’s good versus bad teaching

That is a very good point ruby and I agree with you.