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Parenting

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Original poster

Partner to hard on Daughter, i think?

70 replies

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 21:47

My Partner is very hard on my eldest daughter (age 11), he wont let her talk to boys, wont let her walk to school by herself, watches and waits for her to do something wrong so he can tell her off amongst many other things. i have spoken to him about this and he says that he cant trust anything she does because she has crossed the line with him a few times. i have tried explaining that she is a child and will try and push the boundary(normal i think), he disagrees.
I feel that i am stuck in the middle of this and dont think my views on what i think is acceptable for my daughter has been taken into account, if i disagree with his method of parenting or punsihment then he sulks adn we end up in row..........any advice, please help!

OP posts:

snowleopard · 28/06/2007 22:36

x-post soapbox! Hear hear.

divastrop · 28/06/2007 22:39

have you spoken to your daughter about this?

i may be way off the mark here but if it were my daughter i would be concerned as to why he is being this possesive of her.is he worried she's going to say something he doesnt want her to?

im sorry if this sounds out of order,its just alarm bells are ringing in my head here and i couldnt ignore them.

Original poster

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:42

Snowleopard, i did give her back the phone i sat him down and we talked about it and we came to an agreement. You are right when you say that i dont want to lose him but i will always put my daughters first. This has only started in the last 7 months or so and it is something that i think we can work out, but you are right if we cant then i need to leave him. My daughter loves him, he went away recently for a week and she missed him loads, i think i have learnt one thing tonight and that is the three of us need to sit down together and talk and me and him need to sit down and talk so he understands that i am taking the lead when it comes to my children

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edam · 28/06/2007 22:45

Agree with soapbox and snowleopard. Who made him the boss of you and your children?

If he can't discuss things with you in a reasonable, adult manner, taking into account that these are your children so you have the casting vote then he's not worth having around, he's just a bully who has sought out someone he can dominate. That sounds very harsh but it's a reasonable deduction from your post, I think. He's picking on your eldest because, as you say, she's a strong character who refuses to placate him. And bullies can't deal with that, they have to belittle and dominate anyone who tries to stand up to them.

Look at it from your dd's point of view. She's had a nightmare with her own father and now has this new guy turning up in her home, ordering her about apparently with your permission, and acting like someone from a Victorian novel. Your ex didn't give her a very good role model and your new partner isn't either. If he carries on like this, he'll drive her towards serious rebellion at some point.

Original poster

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:45

i think also that he has felt that he has had to take the lead with their discipline, i have and do suffer from depression and sometimes i am not as firm with the girls as i should be because i am not coping with life in general.

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snowleopard · 28/06/2007 22:46

Great brokenmum! The thing is it's not just about telling him to back off, it's making sure she gets the message too, that you're not going to let him push her around - and sees you putting her first every day. Otherwise I'd worry she could end up with low self-esteem and a poor relationship with you later. But the action you are taking sounds ideal - and knowing you'd be prepared to leave him if necessary, I think that's a big plus because it means he can't manipulate you.

Your DD sounds great BTW.

divastrop · 28/06/2007 22:47

did something change 7 months ago?

how do you know she missed him when he was away?was she upset?

snowleopard · 28/06/2007 22:51

Sorry BM I posted that before I saw your latest post, about being depressed. I think your partner does not need to take the lead, he needs to be more supportive and understanding.

snowleopard · 28/06/2007 22:52

Also while I do think you're doing the right thing, I have to admit what divastrop is suggesting did also cross my mind. Do you think there's anything odd or unhealthy about his relationship with her (apart from the bullying), or his attitude to her?

soapbox · 28/06/2007 22:53

BM- nothing you have written justifies why you let him dominate the whole family setting. I still don't understand why you don't tell him to keep out of telling your DD's what to do?

Original poster

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 23:05

Snowleopard, No i dont think there is anything odd or unhealthy about their relationship apart from his understanding of her standing her ground. maybe that is because his daughter is the complete opposite. she is a lovely girl too but would never answer him or her Mum back on anything. and yes my DD is great i love her to bits and am very proud of the person she has become. As for missing him, she was upset about him going away and wanted to ring him and tell him about things she had done at school etc, my other daughter was the same she really missed him too. I know that some of the things have made him sound like an ogre but he isnt all bad, he takes an interest in their school life, their friends and i think he believe that what he does if for the best interest for them. he has stood by me 100% with everything that my ex has put us through as a family and he has paid over £30,000 in court fees to make sure the children are safe.

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mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 10:39

I agree wholeheartedly with what Divastrop has said. I know it might seem ridiculous to you, as you are inside your family and we have only heard a tiny snapshot of what life is like, but the first thing that sprang into my head was does he have an unhealthy interest in her in any way?

I do know of someone that almost this exact situation happened to ( right doen to the mum being depressed and therefore slightly more in the background where discipline was concerned).

I know you'll hate reading this, because I would too - but just don't immediately dismiss the possibility.

Original poster

brokenmum · 29/06/2007 11:49

i understand what you are saying mumto3girls, but it is really nothing like that. I am not in denial about this and i cant even begin to understand why you would get that from what i have said. He loves all the girls but he is more strict with my eldest, maybe it is because she is the eldest at home and he is worried about her going to high school etc. he was bought up in ireland with a very strict upbringing himself and i think feels that this is normal. With his own daughter her Mum takes the lead parent role and he would get involved in that too much because he does not want to upset the relationship he has with the mother for the sake of the child, however there are things that he wont allow her to do, such as make up etc, she is 12. He is very concerned about boys with all the girls but i think espcially kelly because she is so pretty and is always pushing the boundarys. I believe his sentiment is genuine i just dont know how to comprimise on some of the things, i hate conflict and my past relationship has left me very battered and bruised.

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coppertop · 29/06/2007 11:56

So he doesn't want to upset the mother of his daughter wrt parenting issues but is happy to upset you?

AttilaSaysHun · 29/06/2007 11:56

I think you are going to have to be strong and face any possible conflict on this issue, as your child's welfare has to come first.

You cannot allow your DP to treat your children in a way that you are unhappy with.

Shying away from conflict and trying to keep the peace will not work in this situation - because you are unhappy about it, and I assume your children are too.

Re "I feel that i am stuck in the middle of this and dont think my views on what i think is acceptable for my daughter has been taken into account, if i disagree with his method of parenting or punsihment then he sulks adn we end up in row."

You need to assert yourself, and if he sulks, ignore him.

Your need to protect your children from being the target of the overbearing and overly strict parenting methods that you dislike so much.

snowleopard · 29/06/2007 12:01

You see her being pretty and provocative is making it all add up even more for me. It's not necessarily that something nasty is actually going on, but maybe, even subconsciously, he finds her attractive and is having a battle with that which is making him come out as over-harsh. With a stepdad, this is more of a problem because he's not actually related to her and not bound by the deep taboo and instinctive resistance to finding her attractive. Do you see what I mean?

Going back to your OP, he will have to learn to trust her and he will have to let her see boys - he will have no choice, because she's going to grow up, full stop. So he'd better start thinking about that right now and get realistic.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 29/06/2007 12:03

"I feel that i am stuck in the middle of this and dont think my views on what i think is acceptable for my daughter has been taken into account"

That is such a sadly worded statement bm, because firstly, you shouldn't be stuck in the middle, you should be in control and secondly, your views shouldn't need to be the ones which are taken into account - they should be the ones which form the basis of the rules and with discussion, his should be the ones which are "taken into account". IE his should be secondary, not yours.

It sounds like he's marginalised your parenting in your own home and your own family. Please don't let him do this to you, it is not fair on your or your children.

snowleopard · 29/06/2007 12:12

Exactly VSS. Why should you have a back seat? You are the head of this household, not your partner. It doesn't matter how much money he contributes or how nice he can be - nothing gives him the right to make these decisions that relate to your childrn's upbringing. They are yours to make, and if he has a problem with the behaviour of your children, he comes to you.

OrmIrian · 29/06/2007 12:17

Oh dear . You are her mother and what you say goes afaics! She is at an important age and she is being bullied by your partner by the sounds of it. I don't know what to advise but I'd have serious doubts about how much I'd want him to have to do with her. It sounds as if she'd been through a fair bit already.

Original poster

brokenmum · 29/06/2007 12:19

I have just spoken with dp and have asked him to come to counselling with me so we can discuss our/my problems. he has agreed and was actually relieved that i had suggested it. has said that he feels like the nasty step father having to discipline all the time because i dont. I guess he is right at times because of my depression i completley back out of life. However i am in a place now where i want to get my life and more importanly my childrens life back in shape and i have to be the one to do that. Good news i think though, at least he wants to do the counselling and therefore understands that there is a problem.

OP posts:

Eight · 29/06/2007 12:20

I think that is a good step forward, bm.
Good luck to you and your family.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 29/06/2007 12:21

That is brilliant news brokenmum, really optimistic. You'd be amazed by how many men simply won't consider going to counselling - they'd rather lose their relaionships and families than admit to needing help. So the fact that he's prepared to do this, and that he doesn't like this role he's somehow got himself into and wants to change it, is an immensely positive sign imo. I wish you both all the best in sorting this out.

snowleopard · 29/06/2007 12:27

Good for you BM!

bananabump · 29/06/2007 12:29

Couldn't you just sit down and say you want to completely take over the discipline side of the girls parenting, and if he disagrees with the way you've handled something then he should take you aside afterwards and discuss it. When and if he argues with that, simply keep repeating "They're MY children"

I know you've had abuse issues with your ex, but are you afraid of your current partner?

Also, do you know the contents of the text message she recieved from the boy? My first instinct when I read about the 6 month confiscation of the phone was "jesus, what did the text say?"

bananabump · 29/06/2007 12:30

oops posted before I saw your post bm....best of luck!

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