How do you know if you love your baby???

[Shires]

Hello All
Just a minefield of a question from a dad to an 8 month old!

So we've got a little baby girl - our first, and all is well. But how do I know if I love her? What are the signs of if you love your baby?
I'm not saying I don't, but I just don't know if I do as I don't know what the signs are and what the feeling is.
I know this is a very subjective question but just looking for something general in terms of answers. I've tried googling but all the results are for signs that the baby loves you - and I'm looking for the other way around! As I said I'm sure I do but just don't know it yet.
Thanks so much for your help

Sometimes feelings are just hard to put into words but I would ask you about the other things you love and how this makes you feel. Can you associate any of these feelings with your daughter?

My first thought as a mum was if anyone tried to take my baby I would actually murder them, I would easily protect my son by any means necessary. I'm not a violent person!! :) and I would have died for him. I also feel great empathy for him, like when he had his 4 immunisation jabs in one go (1 in each limb) I cried more than he did. I don't know if it's the same for dads as us mums have hormones helping us in the beginning, but it's that's feeling of no matter what, they are your priority and their life is more valuable than our own, if that makes sense.

I would say don't stress about it. I found the love grows over many months and years. When my daughter was a baby I sometimes felt strong surges of love but a lot of the time I just felt tired and grumpy. As they grow older there are so many funny quirks and characteristics that you love. I love my children more than anything in the world but it's something that I've seen evolve over the years.

Well for me, first of all, I will be thankful that I have given a chance to have a baby genetically 100% that I am the father. At the very first place when your wife was pregnant, I'm sure the excitement, happiness, and love are what you feel. You do love your baby and you will continue to love her.

Thank you to all for that insight.
To put it into context, I'm not sure if I was ever loved by my parents, or if I was then it definitely wasn't shown or made obvious. Hence why I'm feeling insecure about what it is that I should be feeling I guess because I was never in that environment growing up.

I have heard that it is the best feeling in the world being a parent but can't yet say that I'm there yet because I've said, I'm confused as to what I'm feeling.

I'm finding it hard looking after a little one but I know it's not a walk in the park, but it seems to come a lot easier for my wife. Prior to this I've just been having to look after myself and now I've got this beautiful little girl that has completely thrown my easy little world upside down and it's taking its time for me to get adjusted to this. I guess right now the feelings of it being hard are greater than the other good feelings which is why that is seeming to take precedence and hopefully when things get easier in terms of looking after the little one the good feelings will take over and be greater than the bad ones.
Thanks to everyone for your help, it's shown me the light

I was going to say what ragaroo said- the feeling that you would kill or die for her, but for me, this feeling hit me during a difficult birth. I think it is more difficult for the dad, but my daughter is now 16 months and over the past few months her personality has developed so much I know my dp is finding her much easier to connect with now - it's still hard work but the characteristics developing before your eyes will, I'm sure help you to develop and understand your feelings for her.
In the meantime are you able to talk about your childhood experiences? It sounds to me like you could do with working through your relationship with your parents?

It's ok for the love to grow gradually. There's nothing wrong with not feeling a huge gush of emotion at the birth. Spend time with the baby, watch her grow, smile at her, talk to her about any old shit... it'll come. Don't let not knowing whether you love her get in the way of loving her.

I think it starts with protectiveness and a feeling of responsibility when they're tiny babies, and then it grows. You are thrilled when they smile at you, their giggling is one of the most funny things you've heard, you're proud of them when they achieve something. Sleepy cuddles are the best thing, you feel in awe of how much they trust you and how much you can make them feel secure and happy. And so on. The more you engage with them the more you get back. As their personality grows then it becomes more obvious.

If you didn't have a good model from your own parents then you might have to "fake it" a bit until you get there. Keep being kind, warm and loving, tell her that you love her, even when she's little.

I can only describe my own feelings. Quite honestly loving a child is not always pleasurable. For me it's very closely tied to fear - fear of losing them, fear of not giving them what they deserve etc. It took me a long time to be able to look at my first DD and think, uncomplicatedly, I love you. At first it didn't feel like love at all, more like a deep familiarity. Then duty (because it's so hard at first). It was easier with my second because I was already used to loving a child of mine. I find it much easier to identify my feelings now they have personalities of their own and I love what they find funny, love feeling pride when they do well and feeling shining happiness when they are happy.

Hang in there, it gets easier.

I don’t think dads talk about this nearly enough but I really think it’s a lot harder for fathers to bond with newborn babies. They are so reliant on their mothers - especially if breastfeeding. Their mother’s body is the only home they’ve ever known. Mother and baby were the same person for nine months and then they became two people with the most intense relationship ever.

Dads are often on the sidelines during this time. I don’t think my DH really bonded and started falling in love with our firstborn until she could interact with him and he was getting some feedback.

With our second, he fell in love more easily because he already knew what was coming.

I can relate to the not being loved by parents thing. I just cannot fathom how it was possible, for my mum in particular, to have such little love towards and connection with her children, when I loved mine so much before he was even born, never mind afterwards. I had a traumatic birth and that gave me very much a feeling of "I don't care what happens to me, as long as he is ok" but it's different as a woman, you have all the hormones on your side to help the process.

My husband says that the first time he left me and our baby in the hospital (I was in for almost a week afterwards) was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. I think for him, that's when it kicked in.

It's difficult, it's ok not to find it easy, it's ok to have days where you don't like them very much - but enjoy the moments - the smile, the laughs, the trust, the learning, the sleepy cuddles (especially the sleepy cuddles!) and let the oxytocin do its job.

You may also find that counselling helps with your feelings around your own parents. It helped me massively.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all your input.

I can see from a lot of your responses I do relate to them, I just hadn't associated it with love. For example the fear of not being able to provide or look after them.
There's a lot of things that I can see you all do that I do too which does reassure me so thanks so much for that. It's interesting learning that this feeling develops over time as for some reason, in my own rather naive way, I just thought that it would be there from day 1 and can see that the issue is perhaps that my own reality did not live up to my own misguided expectations which is why I may have been feeling confused.
But yes my little one lights up with a huge smile when I enter the room which makes me smile, she buries her face into my chest when a stranger tries to hold her which I guess shows she trusts me and feels safe and secure with me. It's a very steep learning curve but I'm getting there.
Your reassurance of all your own experiences has helped so much so thank you to all!

I just thought that it would be there from day 1

I think it's just a different kind of love to anything you'd have experienced before. Plus it comes with a lot of other conflicting feelings - fear, apprehension and suchlike, at the same time.

I’ve only just had my first LO but I’ve heard that for dads it is a different feeling and experience than for mums. Often dads don’t feel “in love” until a year or so, as they don’t have the hormone bursts that mummies do. Don’t feel bad about what you’re feeling I’m sure you’re a wonderful dad -especially if you’ve come on here to ask

I'm not sure we entirely realised at first how much we loved our first baby, as it's such a new feeling and the life change is so overwhelming.

In fact, we realised more in hindsight, when we looked back at our backup drives and saw that we took literally thousands of the most boring photos in the world (here he is moving a hand! Here he is with his hat amusingly tilted to the left! Here is a 4 minute video of him dribbling on a rattle! Etc ). But we all thought they were amazing at the time, because we loved the little blighter even more than we knew.
Also, news articles with missing or ill children became completely unbearable.

With subsequent children I found it easier to recognise the love earlier.

My dad didn't love me until I was a teenager.

I didn't feel love for my boy until he was maybe 4? I've only just started to feel an emotional bond with my 4 year old middle one, and I had a bind with my youngest from early.on. It seems for me at least it was all about what emotional feedback came.from each child. The youngest responded well to love and hugs and kisses from the get go, oldest didn't respond until years after birth, and middle was a daddy's girl so i was just raising these kids without any reward, as it were, selfish as that is.

I didn't have any of that 'in love' feeling at all about my child when he was born. I'm much more aware of feeling love for him now he's 5. Contrast my mother who randomly burst into tears two days after his birth, howling 'I would DIE for this child!!' (I was like: mum that's really not going to be necessary except in the strictest chronological sense in which every older generation dies to make way for the younger generation, mkay) (and yes it was her first grandchild!). I really don't think everyone feels immediate love for their baby and that's fine.

You obviously care enough to have asked the question in the first place. So that's a good start!

Like others have said, I'm sure the feeling of love with grow for you.

You sound like a truly lovely Dad to your little girl by the way. I have an 8 month old girl too (first child) 😊

Hi OP.

Do you get enough time to bond with her? As I know my husband struggled at first as I was breastfeeding and she just kind of became ‘my baby’. Plus I had all the pregnancy/ birth hormones so I felt that overwhelming connection straight away.

DH started taking swimming lessons with her, and for short trips out just the two of them. Now they’re very close. I’m sure you do love her. The first few months go so fast, sometimes I look at DD and I’m just like ‘where did this baby come from?!’. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

She's a whole new person to get to know. It's okay if you need a bit of time getting to know her before you can say with confidence that you love her.
For some it is instant and for some it takes a little time. Neither is the better way. Congratulations on your baby girl

There's a book called 'the 5 languages of love' which is a good read as it talks about different ways of showing and recognising love.

I know I loved my baby dd as I thought she was amazing and much more beautiful than any other baby (I actually felt a bit sorry for other mums with their plain babies 😂)

That said there were times that I also felt like she was deliberately driving me insane and had to literally put her in her cot and walk away for 5 mins.

Parenting is hard and must be harder to if you've not had great parenting yourself.

I'm sorry that you didn't/don't feel secure in your own parents' love for you

DH and I have found that becoming parents has brought up many feelings about historic issues with our own parents (and has resulted in some new issues too ).

Depending on how complicated things are with your parents, you might find it helpful to read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

As for knowing that you love your child - these are the sure signs for me:

• Talking to others about your child makes you happy. You love it when people ask after them and you proudly whip out a photo or tell them about some minor development that you found really exciting or some little thing they did that you found insanely cute. There is a little voice in the back of your head telling you that the other person probably thinks you're being a bit silly but you don't care
• When they laugh it fills you with joy and you tell your partner that it's the most beautiful sound in the world (every time!)
• You can't bear to think of life without them

There's quite a lot of emphasis put on this idea that when you become a parent you will feel this immediate rush of overwhelming love and protectiveness etc, but I can't honestly say I felt that. I'm not a very 'passionate' or sentimental person, but I knew I loved my babies nonetheless. I loved (and love) looking at them sleeping, when they were tiny I felt so happy watching them wake up and hearing the first sound they made as they woke up (yes, even if early). Thinking of their little voices made (and makes) me smile.