Not Coping

[Hec1565]

My baby is now nearly 7 months. She was 2 months premature. I was diagnosed with PND and spent about 7 weeks in a mother and baby unit as wasn't coping and struggling bonding
Over the last month or so I had been doing a bit better. Managing the days at home and managing to get out a bit more, to baby group's etc
But just recently my mood has gone down again.
It's the thought of being a mum now forever - I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I want to. I really wanted a baby, we tried for her. Im married and.got supportive husbamd. But I don't feel about her as I feel I should. I get so so frustrated and wound up with the crying. Some days I just want to walk out and not come back
I know people will say it's PND and I'll get better but I'm worried I'll always feel like this. Always hate being a mum. Worried ill Never really bond with her and always just put up with it all begrudgingly.
Anyone else feel like this? I feel like such a bad person. It's not like me at all. I'm a naturally very caring person, not selfish and always putting others first. I feel.awful that some women would give anything to have a baby and I don't want mine. Before I became a mum I thought I'd be the opposite - really clingy and overprotective and anxious about it all. But it's like I couldn't really care. If someone came along tomorrow and said they'd take her I'm not sure if I'd feel sad or just relieved.

I was like this with my first. I cried all the time. Felt like I couldn't do it. Watched my hubby take to parenting like a duck to water and it made me feel worse. At my lowest time I honestly believed it would be better if we put him up for adoption.
Classic PND. It's horrific feeling like that.
Happy pills and talking lots to the health visitor helped me realise that actually I could do this.
He's 12 now. Glad I kept him. Also had 2 others after him and didn't feel like that with either of them.
You can do this OP

Thanks so much. Positive to hear your glad you kept him and even had 2 more!! Wow
How old was he when you got better?
I'm taking max dose of happy pills and talk to HV and MH nurse
I honestly feel like packing bags and leaving husband as he is such an amazing dad, he's wanted kids for so long and I'm ruining it for him
He should find someone else and baby would definatley be better off with someone else

How long have you been on the pills? If they aren't working for you may be they need changing?
I went to seek help when he was about 4 months old. I started to feel a bit better once the pills kicked in but I think being realistic it took a good couple of months before I felt totally confident with him. Took me a long time to believe I was as good as my hubby at parenting.
But yes I've had 2 more. I know this feels like the absolute pits but you will get past it. PND is an absolute bitch and it can make the most maternal people in the world doubt themselves.

I can relate to what you put in your post. I felt like that and suffered from PND. I honestly thought that I would be doing him a favour by leaving the house and never coming back. I thought he deserved better, more. Like he needed a proper Mummy, not me.
For me it turned around when he was 9 months. I started to feel more confident and like I definitely would mind if he was taken away from me.

Whn arr you foing back to work?

Work isn't set in stone. It is flexible and I had thought I'd want 12 months. but have spent the last few days thinking I should go back earlier and put her in nursery. Would that be a bit like giving up. Financially it's better for me to be off as I don't warn much and nursery us expensive

Thank you so so much for everyone's comments.
It's interesting to hear it changed at 9 months.
She is nearly 7 months, and I definatley feel more confident now than at first. At first I was scared to leave house on my own with her and I thought I couldn't give her a bottle properly or settle her properly. I feel more confident in those areas now. I know I can do it. And I do do it. But it just feels I go through the motions and get through each day. I don't want to be doing it.i don't enjoy it. I don't feel like she is my baby and feel so detached