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Advice needed - ex telling son to lie about me (mum)

10 replies

wwk09 · 07/01/2019 12:30

Hi everyone, this is my first post and joined to really get some advice on the following. To give a quick background I have a 10 year old boy, and my ex and I have 50/50 between us no courts involved. He's usually a good dad. He's now married with a 3 year old and 1 year old also.

It came out last night that my 10yo boy is upset because my ex makes him call the step mum "mum" and says he has to lie to his 3yo brother about where he goes when he comes back to me. His dad makes him say he's going to see friends.

It may seem small but the reality is that for half his time he has to pretend that he doesn't have a mum that isn't his step mum. I'm really concerned that this is damaging to my boy and damaging to his relationship with me also.

When he comes here were very open and ask how his dad, stepmother and brothers are but now it seems that when he goes to his dads house he's ultimately forced to shut us away from his life and not live his reality.

I spoke to his dad and he defended the decision that the 3 year old isn't old enough to understand that the stepmother isn't my boys mum so they are for now pretending I don't exist.

Advice on what else to do about this please?!

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 07/01/2019 12:33

Your ex is a complete twat. You can not allow this to continue. It is damaging for your DS. It is also damaging for his half brother. Want nonsense to say he is too young to understand.

I would be telling your ex firmly that your DS will not be calling his Step mum 'Mum' and he will not pretend anything that is untrue, if your ex will not allow this then your DS will not be able to go to his house.

wwk09 · 07/01/2019 17:57

Thanks. I've been really worried about what this would be doing to my son. It's not fair to ask any child to lie!

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 07/01/2019 18:02

Ex is a knob.

You should NEVER encourage children to lie and keep things from their parents.

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Stevienickssleeves · 07/01/2019 18:03

That is really concerning behaviour. At what point do they plan on revealing the truth?

FTMF30 · 07/01/2019 19:11

The 3 year old will understand the truth perfectly if they just explain it to him/her. All that will happen is that they will have to reveal the truth at some point when the child is older and they will feel weird and lied to. It's worth pointing that out to your ex.

Imagine being 5,6,7 or however old they deem old enough to understand the situation and you suddenly find out your brother is actually only your half brother. It's ridiculous.

greenlanes · 07/01/2019 19:21

Put it all in writing. You may need to prove at a later date, if you need to stop contact, that this was the reason why. It wouldnt hurt to see if school could offer any counseling. I am aware personally of at least 2 families where the child was required to call a step-parent as mum or dad. It didnt go well and was about adult ego.

PaulMorel · 08/01/2019 10:02

Too young to handle lies this will be very difficult for your 10 yr. old kid

Sicario · 08/01/2019 10:08

I agree with LemonBreeland - this is outrageous. Blended/step families are totally normal. Your ex is being a twat.

MummEE2 · 09/01/2019 19:46

Wow, your ex really is unbelievable! Your poor boy. Definitely don't allow that to happen!

I have a 10 year old DD with my ex and she sees him once a week. I also gave a 9 week old baby with my current DH. When DD goes to see her dad even though youngest is a baby we don't hide where she's going and actively say things like 'your sister is going to see her dad'. I have no doubt my DS will have an understanding of the situation at a very young age-much much younger than 3 years old. And that's normal. What your ex is doing is not normal and us potentially very damaging

MummEE2 · 09/01/2019 19:47

I meant I also have a 9 week old baby

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