Ds1 wishes I was dead!

[Flip]

I haven't been around much since coming back from holiday a week ago. I've been feeling pretty low and ds1's behaviour hasn't helped. As far as I know, he was good at the mumsnet party. Better than I've seen him in a long time. It was something new and exciting and the first time that me and dh let him do whatever he wanted without restriction because Beety's place was so safe and secure.

We tried to carry that on at the holiday camp in Newquay and he was given freedom to come and go as he pleased. He had a two way radio incase he got into trouble or we wanted to make sure he was okay.

The problems came whenever we went anywhere. Resteraunts/Cafe's were a complete nightmare. If the slightest thing wasn't right then he'd shout and scream. He'd tell them their shop was rubbish and they could kiss his ass. One of the girls in a particular cafe was wonderful. The first day there he lost it when there was no umbrella in his ice cream like on the picture. He started shouting at her and telling her everything was rubbish. Before either me or dh could intervene to attempt to calm him, she did. She asked him why he wanted an umbrella when it wasn't raining. Something very simple and it difused the situation. From then on, we ate in there everyday and she handled him brilliantly.

Time and again ds1 would have his fits of rage and the good time's (very few) were over shadowed by waiting for the next explotion that you knew might only be seconds away. It was emotionally draining for both me and dh. We had one evening where we sat in the beer garden of one of the pubs on site with ds2 asleep in the pushchair and ds1 bribed away with money for the arcade. It was the only time we were able to relax for a little while.

We came home a day earlier than planned because it wasn't fun for anyone anymore. Last Sunday we went to the Trafford Centre to try and get a bit of retail therapy. The place only open's at 12pm so we went to get some lunch once we got there before shopping. After lunch ds1 said he wanted to see the wishing pool in the middle of the food hall. So I went with him and he asked if he could have some money to make a wish. I gave him 10p and he threw it into the water and said "I wish my mum was dead. " Then he looked at me and said, "I mean it to. I'm not joking. "

I was stood at the side of him and he wished I was dead. I couldn't have felt any worse than I did then. He's always saying that he wishes I didn't exist or dh didn't exist. But he made me feel so hated and I just couldn't speak to him anymore. It was over an hour later before I spoke to him because he'd hurt me so much.

Everyday is a battle and I don't know how I'm going to cope. At the summer party when ds1 was being good, I couldn't tell him he was being good. I knew that to tell him how good he was would erupt into a torrent of abuse. So I just leave him. I'm giving up with him which makes me a horrible mum. His phycologist doesn't hide her horror when I read her a list of all the things he's said and done since our last meeting a week earlier. He got angry at his swimming lesson when the instructor was telling him off, so he pushed another kid in the deep end of the pool and he had to be rescued. Today, my neighbour brought her two kids round. Her dd is the same age as my ds1 but her ds is only three. My ds1 attacked her ds and tried to kick him down the stairs. I was so relieved when she let rip at him and made him cry. She put him in time out whilst me and dh sat downstairs and listened. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm not even sure school will help. I'll just be waiting for the phone calls. I have a child in need meeting the first week back to talk about him with social services, CAMHS, teachers and the HV. I've failed somehow and I don't know how to stop it happening with ds2.

If you've read this far, thank you.

You poor thing (((hug))). Nothing to say really, except children always seem to know exactly what to say to push all the right buttons. He sounds very advanced for 5.

Poor you Flip...Has he been assessed by anyone or is he going to be?
My dd is similar, with the moods and the right/wrongness of everything, I thought she had Aspergers, but apparently she doesnt, but it was nice to get some tips on how to manage her.
She doesnt communicate well, she doesnt offer any leads in a conversation, its all just yes no yes no, and unless you ask the correct question you cant find out anything from her.
Very frustrating.
Reading your post agagin I would take him to your gp, tell him what youve told us, and say ive had enough, can we see someone...Thats what I did.

Oh and my dd is 6.5 now and the temper tantrums are less and less every day. On Sundays the day before a week at school, guarenteed and occasionally over sharing her toys. Not over every little thing.
With things like the cereal bowls, or things where if it might be wrong he will blow up at could you not let him choose, then the decisions in his hands...and that would be one less incident. Hugs...

hi flip--- I dont know the fool history of your ds, i haven't read any posts about him. so sorry if i repeat anything or if i come accross wrong, i will reread this before i post it.
when i read through the first post, i thought that your son was alot older maybe 13 or so but then i read your post that says he is 5, although this may come accross wrong flip, at 5 it is not too late for you something to be done and for your son to change completely.
At 5 he is still at the forming age. I know how you feel my ds used to be quite naughty I think it is important for you to get into your mind that you are NOT to blame, of all the posts I've seen you in you have come across as a warm and caring person. you give wonderful advice and show such love in posts. you are a good mother. you may say how do i know, I dont know you. but the fact that you are worried and seeked out help for him is proof enough.
i used to dread going anywhere and taking ds with me. It felt like everyone would asume i was a bad mum and couldn't control him. He would say he hated me, or wanted a new mum or dad. he would hit out when very young one time he tugged at my earing and pulled it out, we were shopping at the time and i was so angry and so upset i burst into tears, everyone was staring, i think they thought dh(then dp) had done something. dh askep me if i wanted to leave as thats what we used to do but i said no, he will not win, we will finish our shopping. i do feel that it is a question of power. children do need to feel in control of situations and also to see how far they can go, this is how they learn about situations and the world around them. it seems like your son has learnt that hew holds the power to make things happy or not. He has learnt some upsetting language and has seen how it affects you. How did he react to the birth of your ds2? he does show sign of seeking attention.

it would seem that you are afraid of your son, and his actions and he is aware of this. Also it sounds like you are rewarding his bad behaviour, you give him freedom which in child language is fun even though he hasn't earned it. I know you like to start each day fresh but this is not tackling the issue of unacceptable behaviour.
I find telling ds why I am cross what he has done and what he should do.
Tantrums are best ignored (unless child is in danger) the more you talk or try to stop is just flaming it, maybe you should say i am ignoring you now because that unacceptable. Or however you talk to him. also choose a type of punishment like no toys or a time out, that seemed to work when your neighbour did it.

Just want to add that it is important for you and dh to have some time alone to spend time without your ds' as the situation is bound to be stressful for you both and can really come between relationships if you dont work at them.
I will stop waffling on now, i really didn't intend to go on for so long. (also must get ready for work!!)

I must add that I am not a psychologist or psyciatrist, I have studied psychology and counselling but am not a profesional. I just wanted to give my oppinion from my experiences and also to show you you are not alone in all this. (((((hugs))))) to you, dh and your ds'

Thank you everyone. I've had a peaceful few days and tonight ds1 is staying at the in-laws and ds2 is staying at my parents. Janh mentioned to me that ds1 behaviour could be getting worse because of the impending start to school. He doesn't like change in routine at all, which is why he was so difficult whilst on holiday. Prior to going on holiday there were many displays of violence and his phycologist suggested then that the holiday idea was worrying him.

The good news is that the phycologist has spoke to the consultant and he agress strongly that ds1 be assessed clinically for Autism and ADHD. I was told it would be weeks rather than months for the assessment. A very big part of me wants there to be something wrong with him so I know I'm not blaim. I know it sounds awful and it makes me feel awful to think like that. But I've been coping with his behaviour for three years and it's taken it's toll.

Flip, it doesn't sound awful at all, it's the best thing that could happen for all of you if DS gets a diagnosis of something that a) explains his behaviour and b) means it can be treated in one way or another. The reaction to change sounds very Aspergers-ish and much of his other behaviour sounds like ADHD, none of it anything you need to feel responsible for or guilty about.

Glad you are having a breather just now, enjoy the peace!

Flip - agree with Jan H. A diagnosis will be a relief because it will mean you know what's going on, and what you can do about it, and can plug away at getting the help from education/medical services that you and your son need

Very glad to hear the assessment will take weeks rather than months. What's wrong with wanting to know what is the matter with your son? Please don't feel guilty about feeling relieved at the prospect of a diagnosis. You are his mother and you know he needs this so much - and you do too. And make the most of your breather!