I haven't been around much since coming back from holiday a week ago. I've been feeling pretty low and ds1's behaviour hasn't helped. As far as I know, he was good at the mumsnet party. Better than I've seen him in a long time. It was something new and exciting and the first time that me and dh let him do whatever he wanted without restriction because Beety's place was so safe and secure.
We tried to carry that on at the holiday camp in Newquay and he was given freedom to come and go as he pleased. He had a two way radio incase he got into trouble or we wanted to make sure he was okay.
The problems came whenever we went anywhere. Resteraunts/Cafe's were a complete nightmare. If the slightest thing wasn't right then he'd shout and scream. He'd tell them their shop was rubbish and they could kiss his ass. One of the girls in a particular cafe was wonderful. The first day there he lost it when there was no umbrella in his ice cream like on the picture. He started shouting at her and telling her everything was rubbish. Before either me or dh could intervene to attempt to calm him, she did. She asked him why he wanted an umbrella when it wasn't raining. Something very simple and it difused the situation. From then on, we ate in there everyday and she handled him brilliantly.
Time and again ds1 would have his fits of rage and the good time's (very few) were over shadowed by waiting for the next explotion that you knew might only be seconds away. It was emotionally draining for both me and dh. We had one evening where we sat in the beer garden of one of the pubs on site with ds2 asleep in the pushchair and ds1 bribed away with money for the arcade. It was the only time we were able to relax for a little while.
We came home a day earlier than planned because it wasn't fun for anyone anymore. Last Sunday we went to the Trafford Centre to try and get a bit of retail therapy. The place only open's at 12pm so we went to get some lunch once we got there before shopping. After lunch ds1 said he wanted to see the wishing pool in the middle of the food hall. So I went with him and he asked if he could have some money to make a wish. I gave him 10p and he threw it into the water and said "I wish my mum was dead. " Then he looked at me and said, "I mean it to. I'm not joking. "
I was stood at the side of him and he wished I was dead. I couldn't have felt any worse than I did then. He's always saying that he wishes I didn't exist or dh didn't exist. But he made me feel so hated and I just couldn't speak to him anymore. It was over an hour later before I spoke to him because he'd hurt me so much.
Everyday is a battle and I don't know how I'm going to cope. At the summer party when ds1 was being good, I couldn't tell him he was being good. I knew that to tell him how good he was would erupt into a torrent of abuse. So I just leave him. I'm giving up with him which makes me a horrible mum. His phycologist doesn't hide her horror when I read her a list of all the things he's said and done since our last meeting a week earlier. He got angry at his swimming lesson when the instructor was telling him off, so he pushed another kid in the deep end of the pool and he had to be rescued. Today, my neighbour brought her two kids round. Her dd is the same age as my ds1 but her ds is only three. My ds1 attacked her ds and tried to kick him down the stairs. I was so relieved when she let rip at him and made him cry. She put him in time out whilst me and dh sat downstairs and listened. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm not even sure school will help. I'll just be waiting for the phone calls. I have a child in need meeting the first week back to talk about him with social services, CAMHS, teachers and the HV. I've failed somehow and I don't know how to stop it happening with ds2.
If you've read this far, thank you.