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Did I over react with mother in law

13 replies

lovely36 · 06/01/2019 19:55

A little long but I would really appreCiate someone opinion. So DH and I are staying at his moms house for a few months while our house is getting remodelled. His mom and have very different personalities. She's very outgoing, loud, friendly while I'm more mellow, also friendly but no so loud. I'm a nursery teacher, so I'm used to speaking somewhat in a quite tone and I'm very respectful and careful how I speak to my son and what I teach him. Anyway. I've had some differences regarding what she's taught my son in the past. He's 18 months so he still falls here and there. When this happens, if it's a minor fall I simply ask him if he's ok. He usually says yeah and gets up. Well what she began showing him was when he would fall she would make a huge deal and say "oh no!!! What happened!!" And run over to him. And say "did that stupid floor make you fall. Go punch that floor and say 'you stupid floor, making me fall. Go kick that floor." Now I'd seen her do this and I really don't want my son hitting furniture or being taught that when he gets upset or hurt he needs to go hit whatever upset him. However I didn't say anything the first few times because I just felt awkward saying anything. UNTIL a few days ago he didn't want to have a bath and I didn't have time to wait around so I picked him up and he went "ah ah!!" And hit me! I was so angry because he did it in the exact same tone my mother in law has taught him. I didn't say anything. Until a few days ago he tripped and fell (very minor.) she ran to him, made a huge scene and told him to go punch his tricycle that made him fall. So he did. That's when I very calmly said (as I didn't want to cause any tension) "awe Mary, don't show him to hit please because he's starting to hit me when he gets upset." Which is true. She said "I'm only trying to make him feel better." Which I completely understand and I know she means no harm. But today her and I got into a full on argument. We bought him a little brush for Xmas and as I was in the kitchen she called him over and said to him "go hit your dad with this brush." I know she was playing I guess but it infuriated me because I'm so done with the teaching my son to hit!! So my son went up to his dad and hit him with the brush he laughed. And I went up to my son took the brush from him and said "do not do that. It is never ok to hit, even if you're playing." My dh flipped and said "don't yell at him, he's just playing." And I was like "he's playing now but later when he's angry he's hitting me and the last thing I want is him using this brush to then hit his cousins(which are always at the house." She flipped and started yelling at me saying "I was only playing with him. Either way it's good that he learns to hit now because he's going to know how to hit when he enters nursery and he need to hit kids back." Omg I was so mad. I said "no he doesn't." He's 18 months! Wtf?? Why does an 18 month old need to know how to hit. So angry!! Am I wrong?? Am I over reacting?? What would you have done. Be completely honest if you think I'm at fault.

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JoyceDivision · 06/01/2019 19:58

Not over reacting,. Your D's does not need to learn how to hit. Had a v similar issue with my mil, really annoying. Tell your DH to start standing up to his mum, or is he going to be happy to be the parent of that kid when your ds is at school and hitting kids, knowing it's ok because granny encourages it?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2019 19:58

Your MIL is an absolute moronic dickhead. I would be furious, too. You do not teach children to hit! End of! How can anyone be so stupid??

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/01/2019 19:59

You’re not wrong. He’s being told hitting is okay by your MIL and she clearly thinks it’s alright for him to hit more than inanimate objects. She’s setting him up for all kinds of trouble and it needs to stop. And your DH should be backing you up there.

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Fabaunt · 06/01/2019 20:00

No, not at all. That’s not on. The fact you’re under her roof though is unfortunate. Her house, her rules. But this isn’t something I’d compromise and each time she does it, I would undermine her and tell your son. “No, we don’t hit”. Even if it is his trike or the floor.

VforVienetta · 06/01/2019 20:41

She's batshit. Why on earth would any decent person teach a toddler that hitting and insults are the way to deal with anything??
I'd be tempted to keep him away for a bit if you can, at that age habits can be broken if they stop being reinforced. You can remind him of the appropriate way to respond to falls/accidents, and also teach him to stand up for himself if anyone tells him to hit.
Ghastly woman. Your DH needs to understand what damage she's doing.

Redcrayonisthebest · 06/01/2019 21:36

Your MIL sounds totally bonkers!! What a strange thing to teach a toddler to do. Whatever you do please stick to your guns on this one.

Singlenotsingle · 06/01/2019 21:39

What will she do when he hits her?

WellBHoise · 06/01/2019 21:41

I agree with your parenting, not your MILs teaching him to hit something that he perceives has done him an injustice. That’s never going to end well!

Rednaxela · 06/01/2019 21:47

Mil is insane.

My mother taught my nearly 2yo to lick faces. She tried to get all shirty when I told her NO. So your mil is not the only insane grandma out there. You have my sympathy.

Nip this shit in the bud, it's the only way. You have 18 more years of this otherwise!

Sounds like you have a DH problem, best to have a chat in private with him to fill in on what mil has been up to and for him to voice his own perspective. Let him feel like he has a say. Even though the outcome is a done deal, i.e. mil is batshit!!

lovely36 · 06/01/2019 22:06

Thank you everyone for your replies. I was starting to think maybe I was over reacting. I'm glad you all feel my frustration. Things have been feeling tense between her and I for a few days as she is constantly doing things that bother me. Nothing to do with anything else besides how she interacts with my son. She is constant showing him to do things that no adult should show a child to do it genuinely blows my mind. I don't understand. I wish I could go home but we have to wait a few more months! 🤦🏽‍♀️

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Owwlie · 07/01/2019 14:32

She's bonkers. Why teach an 18 month old to hit anything. My parents constantly try to deal with things with DD in a way that's really unhelpful though, I keep repeating 'im dealing with it, please don't interfere' as I've got fed up of it.

Can you not stay somewhere else? Any other family or friends that would let you? Or book a few nights away to break it up at least?

Happilyacceptingcookies · 07/01/2019 14:43

You didn't overreact. MIL wants her grandson to learn to deal with accidents with anger, and unsurprisingly DH doesn't see the problem because it was him mum who have him this idea anyway.

Well don't for speaking up but if your in laws are anything like mine, expect to be ignored. Just have faith that your DS will look up to you and listen to you because you protect him appropriately.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/01/2019 16:31

Your mil is a twonk. However, can't you get your dh to have a word with her? If she keeps doing it then she's rude and you are entitled to word your opinions much more strongly.

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