Anyone else first to have a baby....

[sheep19]

Has anyone else been the first in their group of friends to have a baby and feel like nobody else gets it...

Stuff like why you don’t have the money you used to or time to yourself. The fact you may have to plan seeing them months in advance or may have decline things due to lack of childcare or funds.

Do you think if any of these people ever have a baby of their own, they may feel guilty for their actions?

I was the first to have a baby in my friendship group (even though I'm mid 30s!). I am very much of the mindset that my little ones fits in with my life. First few months of her life of course is totally different but since she was around 3 months I started to see my friends properly again.

I do this by leaving her with her dad so if that isn't an option then it would be very hard. Is this an option for you? Funds or lack of will also make a massive difference. Thankfully a lot of my friends all have their own reasons to save money too so we use tastecard for dinners or go to each other's homes etc.

I’m the last in my group to have a baby, or at least a living baby. I find that when they started to get pregnant, I helped out and still do, with putting hampers together and help with childcare. The moment my friend tells me she’s pregnant I’ll start to pick up little bits, size 0 and 1 nappies this week, sudocreme and baby wash next week, sleepsuits the week after etc etc. if I see baby stuff on sale or on offer I’ll avail of it. The week or so before baby is due, I’ll bring it over to her. I’ve started to feel now though that some of my friends are on their second child it’s almost expected now. My time is definitely seen as less valuable as the childless friend. I’m expected to be able to help out last minute, or cancel last min plans if there’s a minder needed in a hurry. And I usually don’t mind. But When I became pregnant and I gave birth to a beautiful sleeping angel, nobody had prepared a hamper for me, or made the same fuss about my baby as I would have made about theirs. It’s kind of left me a bit bitter to be honest, less keen to help out as much because I know it’ll never be reciprocated and it makes me sad that my baby wasn’t as special to them as theirs are to me

Just to add....they don't get it though, as much as they think they do! Some of my friends have been arse holes at times about my new 'life' with a tiny person but I'm strong and confident so I don't usually let it pass without a conversation!

Yes, me! I know how pre-children I would have perceived things I do now so am aware of what my friends might think. E.g. even when I was pregnant I assumed I'd be fine to go on a 2 day hen do at 5 months pp...didn't bargain on a bottle refusing every 2hr feeding baby so had to compromise by not staying overnight and having DH bring her to me to feed.

I know a few are ttc now so hopefully I'll have company soon!

I have a few different friendship groups and , in some cases, I'm the first. One of the most disappointing things is how I'm not being invited out much anymore as they assume I won't be able to come. I feel a little pushed out and my pride won't let me beg for inclusion.
It's a shame as my DH is brilliant and would happily look after LO if I wanted to go out (as he should!) but the invites have seriously dried up. I'm not talking all night clubbing or holidays. But a few shopping trips or lunch/dinner would be nice. If I couldn't make it, I'd say myself but they're just not bothering to ask.

Yes, the not being invited thing is annoying as hell!

Yes DH is happy to have little one :) they just don’t seem to get that I don’t have the money I used to and keep suggesting expensive things. I have seen people for lunch but due to breastfeeding and baby not taking a bottle I always took baby with me. Not she takes a bottle hopefully things will be easier.

I think I have just been a bit disheartened as I feel it’s always me doing the keeping in touch in our friendship and the asking people to lunch

Now*

Hey girls, just from the other point of view for a second. Totally see where you’re coming from but looking at this with another set of eyes if you will.

If you read the previous two posters one is upset that she’s not included and the other is upset she is included but for things that are too expensive. So essentially you have one group of friends assuming you still might be able to do things they’re doing, and another group of friends who are assuming you won’t. So there’s no “right” way for the group to react because it’s going to differ from each person.

So!

How about setting the speed you’re ready for? To the lady who’s friends are a little more high maintenance, why don’t you set the lunch date or shopping date to catch up? Say you’ve missed hanging out and with a new little person, disposable income is tight but, it doesn’t mean you don’t want to do things.
To the lady who isn’t included, tell your friends how you’re feeling. They might just not realize how much you want to get back to normal, and that the baby isn’t going to melt on a shopping trip.

Also, don’t sweat having to find minders on each trip out. When my best friend (the first in the group) had a baby (girl) it was just another little person to do things with. Instead of going drinking on a Sunday we would get up early and go for a walk and some lunch and then maybe shopping or looking around the shops and some food that evening. One of us would feed the child and give her her bath. Yeah it was nerve wracking at first as I hadn’t a clue what to do with a baby, and it was unnerving when she cried but it’s much easier when you get to know the child and Less “different” if you will.

Now most of my friends have kids. I do a lot more kiddy things. We go for lunch and I find myself bringing 3 year olds to the toilet and wiping bums. Or taking his hand and sneaking off to a toy shop while mammy has a coffee in peace but says “don’t buy him anything, you have him spoilt”. Sorry hon, auntie privileges.

I honestly couldn’t imagine a life without my friends kids. But, I had to get to know them first. It’s new boundaries. Introduce them. Invite them to things that’ll let them get a feel for your new life. Your child is just a new person in the group.

Yep me! Im 23 and got pregnant at 20, all my friends are still doing the go out every night kind of thing, they dont really get why i cant join them all the time or why when i do go out i dont drink much to avoid the hangover when ive to play with a toddler at 8am in the morning.. i get sad about it sometimes but then i remember that they will all have to go through this when they are older and il be the one encouring them to stay out cos il have a teenager