17month old behaviour is making me sad

[Emetomum]

This could be a long one but I’ll try and keep it short !
I’m mum to a 17month old little girl - she has been such a good baby - people actually hate me because she has slept through since she was a few weeks old.
But now she’s going through a weird change in behaviour - to people who have had tricky babies she probably still seems like a good girl but to me she is being a terror in comparison to how she has been.
Tantrums
Shouting no
Not wanting to eat
Not wanting to be in the buggy/car seat
Being frustrated by the smallest thing
Constant whining
Screaming if she doesn’t get her own way
Won’t wear a bib
Has a melt if she’s told no
The list goes on.
I know people are going to say - that’s just being a toddler but I want my sweet girl back .
It’s making me not like her very much at the moment - which is hideous to say !
But she frustrates me and I frustrate her and I don’t know how to enjoy being with her - I find it a relief when she goes to sleep , which is just horrible
I find myself going to do house work so that I don’t have to deal with the melt downs.
In the big picture she is probably not as bad as it could be but it’s just making me so sad . Anyone else feeling like this ? Xx

Normal toddler stuff but it's worth finding the right battles to fight. For example not wearing a bib isn't worth it. Go with it and just remove the top so it doesn't matter.

It's the age where they like to see how far they can push things. It will help to come.up with a way to deal with it that suits you e.g naughty step and to stick to it.

You'll be fine and we all go through it.

Normal toddler stuff. I agree that you have to pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff.
Also, she's trying to figure out her place and will be enjoying the ability to have opinions. It's good to try give her choices so she feels like she has some control but really you say you can have this or this so it's choices controlled by you.
As the for the tantrums try figure out her triggers so you can limit them. Mine have mega tantrums when tired and then not given their own way because they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with things when they're tiny and knackered.
So you then ether avoid situations you know induce tantrums when they are tired. My kids were always most disagreeable when tired or hungry.
The eating thing is normal. It's a phase. It's hard but she will get through it. As will you.
Just remember she's still tiny and trying to figure out the world.
Good luck OP. Toddlers are hard work but they're also super super fun too.

Get the book Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green. It was so reassuring. Also Raising a Spirited Child.
Ds2 was just like this. They realise they are separate from you and are developing their own character. It's really good to do it now. Ds1 didn't tantrum until he was about 13. Not ever. He put himself on the naughty step as a toddler! He's too big to pick up now and carry like you can with a toddler and because he doesn't know that I mean it because he didn't tantrum as a toddler it's much harder to parent him. Ds2 because he was a shocker knows I mean it and is much easier now.

Little kids are assholes. They’re learning their way in the world. You’re doing a good job and she will grow out of this.

You've just described DD 18 months. I often wonder if I'm the only one fighting these battles so it's good to know im not!!

As others have said, pick your battles with her. She refused to wear a big (presumably because we dont) so she doesnt although she will wear the tommee tipped rubbery one when we are out so we use that.

Offer her a choice of things- she used to shout no when i was trying to put her shoes on so now I try and offer her 2 pairs of shoes and she picks the ones she wears.

Stay calm. Deep breaths. When she starts saying nonono all the time, I'll jokingly say it back to her as well and it usually breaks the strop.

Her behaviour is definitely worse when she is tired so I try to keep an eye on that to make sure she gets enough sleep and gear myself up for her being worse when she hasn't.

With food, she wants to feed herself. Dh still insists on trying to feed her whixh leads to an almighty battle between them. Best way is to just leave a selection on her tray/plate and let her pick. She usually starts with her favourite and then moves onto the other things.

I've worked out with her she wants to be independent (and I get that- I'm hugely independent!!) so I just try to facilitate it as much as I can so then it's only the serious stuff I have to tell her off for....

My 17 month old does the exact same things. Especially to get dressed and bath time so I found a trick! And I hope it works for you. When he doesn't want to get in the bath I say "do you want to take your dog or the cow in the bath? (Small animal figures) and he says cow for example and I say ok let's take him in. He feels like he's in control and I get him to do what I want. Or for food I say do you want pasta or chicken for example and he chooses. Sometimes I really need to do things downstairs and he flat out doesn't want to come. So I tell him "ok I'm going to pick you up myself because you aren't coming on your own." He thinks he's about 10 😂 I let him make as many decisions as possible. If he doesn't want to get in the pram, I let him walk, if he doesn't want to wear his shoes in the house, I let him wear slippers. I just respect that he is his own person and I respect his decisions as much as I can. If he says no to something I respect it. He really hates getting his bum changed so when he sees I'm about to change his bum he starts saying no and running away! I just start asking him questions and it really works. Like "where's your feet?" "Where's the door?" And he'll begin to answer and as I do this I change his bum. Distraction is the best tool.

Also my son won't wear bib either so I've stopped putting them on him. No big deal They must be uncomfortable. I just keep his jumper off if he's eating so it doesn't get dirty before we go out. Also try to not say no. For example if she's touching something you don't want her to touch like a drawer or something. Instead of saying no, explain to her what it is that you do t like for example. "Please don't touch that because it might hurt your finger." And slowly remove her. Or you can redirect her like "come you can touch this instead." And give her something you're ok with her grabbing. Hope that helps a little.

Thanks lovely peeps
I will be trying all these tips so thank you for all the suggestions !
This morning we had a battle to get to nursery - it's just exhausting and makes me feel awful so the support is really helpful xxx