I'm American I dont know if that matters.
First time poster here what I am going to say may make some of you angry please I hear how terrible I am all the time.
I'm 39 my Husband is also 39 and we have been married 14 years. We have one 13 year old Daughter. She has always been a daddys girl and she is the light of his life. They adore each other and I was always proud that he was such a good father to her.
A couple of years ago We got stuck in the married rut. Life became routine and boring and I started having an affair. I know there's no excuse for it. I dont want to to go into too many details of the affair It's something I've learned is pretty average and really not that different from any other affair and not at all the romantic fantasy my affair fogged brain thought it was.
A year ago I had the OM over and we were intimate when my daughter came home unexpectedly early and caught me in the act with the om. It was awful. I could see her heart break and she just burst into tears. I tried to ask her not to tell her father to let me tell him but she locked herself into her room and immediatly called her father hysterically crying.
He came home immediatly and he just had no words for me. Just an icy death stair. He immediatly went up to our daughters room and spent the next few hours calming her down while I waited for what I knew was going to be a terrible discussion. It was terrible but not because there was yelling or screaming or questions I didnt want to answer. he was icy cold. I'll never forget his words. "you betrayed me, you lied to me, You cheated on me and you humiliated me. But worst of all you broke our daughters heart and that I will never forgive you for." He didnt want to talk about it. He didnt want to work things out he just wanted me to leave. He filed for divorce a week later.
It's been a year now I have been desperate to try an repair my family and I dont know what to do. He barely talks to me and our daughter. She hates me. She wont answer my calls, she wont return my texts. We separated and if I try and see her she either gives me the silent treatment or just hysterically shrieks about how she hates me and I ruined her life. He is not trying to keep me from her but he isn't very helpful in trying to help me bridge the gap with her. He is still very angry with me. Honestly though it's easier to talk to him then he. He can still be reasonable and talk to me about things we need to take care. The only thing shes said to me the last over the last year are hysterical shouts of how much she hates me. She said she wants to live with her father after the divorce. I've tried to do the things Ive seen recommended in some infidelity sites like offer a timeline of the affair. no trickle truth, take responsibility for the affair try to heal my husband I've taken those steps. A few months ago my husband told me something. He told me one day our daughter told him she hated me and would never forgive me. He told me he didnt want our daughter to grow up harboring such hate and resentment towards me and that he couldn't teach her to forgive me if he couldn't do it. So he would try to forgive me if only to show her what that was. He said I could move back home and I moved back.
Since I have been back things have gotten worse with our daughter. She is angry I am home. She still hates me and is ultra protective of her father. If we sit on the couch next to each other she will force herself in between us and wrap herself around him. If we are alone together she will call out to her dad that she needs him, she wont let us be alone together and is always finding ways to interrupt us or take his attention. There's definitely a feeling that its them agaisnt me. She still wont speak to me beyond the hysterical shrieks of how much she hates me. She once told me I should leave because "Daddy doesn't need you, he has me, I will take your place mom. I dont need you either" I feel so terrible about this. She was never an angry child before this but now she is so filled with hate and loathing towards me.
Has anyone else gone through this? Is there anyway I can repair the damage I have done to them both? Things with my husband are hanging by a thread he acts like he barely tolerates me. He is trying but he is so hurt and angry. Forgiveness does not come easily to him at all.
TLDR Had an affair my pre teen daughter caught me its been a year and she still hates me even though her father is trying to forgive me.