2 kids, feel miserable most of the time

[Twirliegig]

DS is 2 and DD is 3 months. I’m finding it all too overwhelming at the moment. Dd is identical to her brother in that she won’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and I’m on the move- I’m exhausted. She also doesn’t feed very well, as in she never seems hungry - she’s bf and I offer throughout the day as soon as she wakes and as she looks like she’s getting tired (in the hope that I can feed her to sleep, but she never does). She had reflux and was vomiting at least once a day which she had gavisgon for for a few weeks, but the vomiting appears to have now disappeared. Plenty of wet and dirty nappies but weight gain is slow- now dropped almost 2 percentiles since birth despite for the past week cluster feeding for 2/3 hours every night.
Shes also had oral thrush on her tongue since she was about 5 weeks old- no medication has worked and dr said that as nothing is working we should stop medicating and see if it clears up on its own. It’s driving me crazy- it looks gross and I’m worried her brother will get it.
I feel really miserable most days and my dh and I argue almost everyday. DS is at nursery 3 times a week and when he’s home with me I haven’t taken them out much and feel guilty. I’m tired and emotional constantly and feel like DH does too much for me and I should be pulling my weight more but I just have no energy to make any effort. He takes a day off a week when I’m at home with baby and toddler to help me out. He’s already really stressed and tired from work and feel like he resents me for being so shit. I’m remembering how crap I felt when I first had my son and keep remembering that it did improve but also worrried that it won’t and that I’ll forever struggle with the 2 of them. Does anyone know how I get myself out of this horrible pit of feeling sorry for myself?

You've been blessed with 'difficult' babies it would seem and my heart goes out to you.

Mine had silent reflux and milk allergy and the first 4 months were utterly miserable. She's 1 and still wakes up constantly through the night.

I'd recommend speaking to your HV or GP. I finally saw a counsellor and began medication before Christmas and I wish I had done it earlier. My anxiety is still quite high but my low mood has definitely improved and I feel more able to cope with things. It'll get better.

I'm not sure how much useful advice I have but wanted to give you hugs. It will get better and you are doing great for your children by asking your husband for help when you need it.

What do the health visitors/doctors say about baby's weight gain? If she has oral thrush would that make feeding uncomfortable for her? You're obviously doing brilliantly by breastfeeding her but it does take a toll on you physically, especially the cluster feeds. Would you consider introducing some bottles to give you a bit of a break?

Do you go to any playgroups? Would recommend as it'll give DS a chance to run around and there's always someone friendly willing to carry an unsettled baby for a while.

You’re doing a good job. You’ve grown two humans and your body is currently keeping one of them alive. You ARE pulling your weight, you’re going to be ok

Even if your baby wasn’t more difficult than average (so it sounds), a 2 year old and 3 month old is exhausting for most people. I was barely keeping it together at that stage and my DD was such a chilled baby.

No advice really, just that it is hard and it will get better. My kids are now 3.5 and 15m and we still have our bad days of course, but it’s so much easier than a year ago!

Thanks all for the supportive words. Was interested to see if I need to just perk up and get on with it.
Think I’m also missing spending so much time with my son too- never get to put him to bed anymore as DD cluster feeds for 2 hours every night at the mo. My DS was a pain as a baby too and it’s all coming back to me. I’m definitely not keen on the baby stage but don’t want to wish little DDs life away- toddlers are just a lot more fun/funny/easier to communicate with!

Caterina99 - when did it start to get more enjoyable for you? Feel like I’m just about existing in some sort of intense and depressing limbo at the moment

Probably from when DD was about 5/6 months and wasn’t breastfeeding every 2 hours and was sleeping a bit better.

It got significantly better for me once she was fully weaned at about 9 months, on roughly the same meal schedule as my DS and was taking 2 decent naps a day and only waking up once usually at night.

I do think exhaustion plays a big part. Plus of course my DS was closer to 3 so he also improved over time.

Have you been treated for thrush too? My DM had it when my sister was little, Dsis kept getting it and in the end GP said that my mum was passing it back to her even though she had no symptoms. It cleared up once they were both on treatment, my mum had to paint her nipples with something before feeds and take some medicine, and my sister was completely fine a week later having had it for months. Worth a try?

Can you express and try a bottle feed? That’s a faster flow than bf so might be a way of getting some extra calories in. Can you manage if she sleeps in the sling? Presumably if she’s upright the reflux is less uncomfortable for her. My DD slept being held upright for a couple of months, but was fine to be laid down by 4 months. I was lucky that my mum could come and hold her for some naps so I could do other things sometimes.

Probiotics are said to help with thrush. You can take some yourself (which may also give you more energy- it did me) and you can get some children's ones too- try mixing in a drink or yoghurt. Also avoid her or you taking antibiotics as it causes bacteria imbalance in the gut and makes thrush worse. I'm sure it will all get better in time. When your kids are older it will be easier, you've just got to hang in there and look for the amazing things they do as well x

Thanks for the advice. Dd is only 3 months so I can’t give her yoghurt yet but have started taking acidophilus, a probiotic- will see how this goes.

Yes I feel bad for wishing this phase away, just finding it so difficult at the moment, would take a stubborn toddler over this any day! (I’m sure I’ll regret saying that in a few years 😬)