21 month old grumpiness is really getting me down

[Mama222]

Hi

I’m hoping someone can share some advice, their similar experiences and maybe help me see some light at the end of this dark tunnel I’m in. Please!!

I have a 21 month old DD and her behaviour lately is really getting me down and a bit worried.

She’s just so grumpy and surly and having frequent tantrums that involve enough screaming to pierce an eardrum.

I’ve started reading Calm Parents Happy Kids and I’ve managed to stay really calm throughout the tantrums and moodiness since I started reading it but I’m getting so anxious about the situation that I’m teary and have lost my appetite. Has anybody read the book and changed their parenting style as a result and, if so, has it helped?

I have one DS who is 5 and is as placid and happy as can be and never went through this with the tantrums.

I’m worried that this is her true personality she’s showing and no one will like her as being totally honest, I love her to bits but the way she’s acting she’s hard to look upon fondly.

It’s got to the point now where I’m embarrassed to take her out with friends because of the mood swings and tantrums.

If anyone can help I’d be so grateful; I’ve had a horrendous afternoon and just want to feel as if I can turn this around!

Thanks

I can relate and offer hope - I went through some incredibly tough times with my daughter at this age. Every day was a fight from the moment she opened her eyes.

She is now 2 1/2 and more often than not an absolute delight. She still has her moments and is never going to be 'easy', but things have changed so much. I also read the Calm book and try my best to maintain my composure and be kind. I don't think you can parent them out of this phase, just do your best to get you both through it in one piece.

We still get the odd total meltdown and grumpy day, but now she can really communicate her needs she's a much happier girl.

I hope things change soon for you, it's bloody tough! x

Aw thank you blondemother! That has made me feel a bit better.
It’s sometimes so hard to see the positives when I’m just waiting for the next kick-off. Did you feel like your DD was unhappy during this time or not? I just don’t get why mine is so angry and annoyed over the slightest things or nothing (well, nothing as far as I can see/tell), I just want her to be happy and less angry?! X

I did worry that she was unhappy, wondered whether it was because I was working, whether we should do more toddler groups, less toddler groups, whether she just hated spending time with me!

All the advice seems aimed at tantrums which have a cause (overtired, can't have a toy, etc) but my girl could could lose it over absolutely nothing. I concluded she was just finding life hard for some unfathomable reason, told myself a lot of 'this too shall pass' and made sure I had some time on my own to recharge for the next onslaught.

Then I worked a lot on naming feelings - the day she looked at me and said 'Mummy I'm angry because...' was a huge breakthrough and she will now tell me when things make her sad (some days that seems to include everything, including fun stuff like the playground, but at least I know)

How is your daughter at communicating?

My DS is nearly 20 months and my god, today has been a hard day. Past couple of days he’s been screaming and crying at the littlest things if he doesn’t get his way.

It’s hard to enjoy his company and feel like I’m stepping on egg shells in order to keep him happy.

I think the key is to stay strong and not give them what they want when they’re screaming and enforcing bad behaviour.

I’m crossing my fingers he’s just teething or under the weather a bit because I don’t think I can stand this for months as he goes through the terrible 2 stage.

That really resonates with me. My daughter can say words like drink, milk, dinner, Peppa, doggy, no etc but she doesn’t use words to communicate her needs. She frowns, whinges and screams and I’m then guessing what it is she needs. I’m hoping when her talking improves she’ll stop the moodiness. It’s so bloody wearing! X

My ds is a bit younger, he's now 18 months. But suddenly from nowhere he was like this for the whole of November. Tantrums, lying on floor everywhere we went, food refusal. Just so miserable. And then it stopped. I also was so worried he had developed his new toddler personality and this would be it until school started! I'm not sure how helpful this is, but it might help to hear he came out of it after 4 weeks and i could almost use the word 'delightful' to describe him over the holidays!

Sorry to hear you’re going through this too! It’s a nightmare isn’t it.

I too am stepping on egg shells trying not to set my DD off on a tantrum.

She was screaming noooo at me today in the car because I was singing to the radio. I carried on as I don’t want to go down the road of her thinking she can control another person with bad behaviour. X

Oh that is good to hear!! Thanks. I keep trying to tell myself it’s just a phase...🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

My ds is 21 months and has hit the tantrum stage with gusto too. He also says words, but is not communicating in sentences yet and finds other ways to let me know what he wants. Speaking to my best friend who has a slightly older ds, when he started speaking more in little sentences, the easier things got and the less tantrums he had, it's not their personality it's frustration. I live in hope that it's just a phase.

They don’t call it the terrible twos for nothing lol
Grin and bear it. She’s still small enough for that to be cute, people will still like her don’t worry!!

Wow I came on to post about this! Mine is the same age and I’m really struggling - went mad yesterday because the cat went out the cat flap?!

How is your DD sleep? I think that might be a problem with mine because he gets up at 5am and is in a bad mood from the outset. Mine has a nap in the day about 1.5hrs but it’s a battle to get to a reasonable nap time and then bed at 7 with probably 1 wake up. I can’t get him to sleep any later in the morning :(

I have a 4 year old who was a dream from 12m - very logical and never really tantrumed.

I’m really struggling with this baby and to be honest not enjoying it.

He is also VERY clingy - do you have that?

:)

You both sound really tired. I would try fiddling with bedtime so she gets a solid night’s sleep. A lot of children that age wake up too early and miss their last sleep cycle, which makes them terribly grumpy,

Boxer might be right about the talking.

My DS says words like your DD but I know my older one was speaking sentences by this age - I remember cuz we were on holiday at 20m and she was chatting on the plane.

I also work but reports from nursery are that he is happy all day and he is with MIL one day a week and she says he is fine on the whole. He is NOT fine with me - very angry lol!

Chosen, try putting to bed a bit later - say 730 or even 8 - and see what happens.

Thank you Boffin, I will try that :)

Mine was the same. It passed as communication eased, she’s now 27 months and although we have the occasional blow up, her ability to communicate has eliminated an awful lot of upset. Hopefully yours will likewise grow out of it!

I haven’t read that book, but I read the happiest toddler on the block and found it incredibly useful, I’d strongly recommend it. It is very helpful and makes it clear how to apply strategies. It does have the idea of being calm, but it also suggests some alternatives such as “mirroring” some of the emotion (the book explains it far better) that worked much better with my DD who seemed to feel I didn’t understand when I remained calm.

Hi chosenbyyou

I don’t have the clinginess. I’ve spent today trying to reconnect with my DD as I’ve been reading that it really helps and I’ve had a much better day today, only a couple of tantrums. I’ve made a decision to have as much fun as possible with her, really putting her first in terms of attention as much as I can as the theory is that the better connected you are to your child, the more secure they feel and the more they want to please you because they sense your unconditional love. I’ve been a lot calmer through the tantrums over the last week or so and that is helping also.
Sleep def affects her and makes the grumpiness worse but generally she’s a good sleeper so it’s not just that making her do her nut so regularly.
I’ve been watching videos on you tube by the DR Krup who wrote ‘happiest toddler on the block’ kindly recommended on this thread and I’m going to try his techniques.
Thanks so much to everyone who’s been helping me! It’s really appreciated x

The lack of being able to communicate is also a major factor so I’m going to spend more time trying to help develop that.

Hi crazychemist, I’ve ordered that book - thanks for the words of reassurance and the recommendation x

Good luck mama! Hope it gets better soon

Thanks crazychemist! X

Hi long shot I know an update please