Everything is impossible with 7 month old

[Ahbhee]

My 7 month old is healthy, usually happy and content - although does still wake in the night which I am confused about whether that's normal or I'm totally failing. she's ebf, I'm staying at home, we have no family or friends where we live, we play happy families for visitors (which happen once every few months) But dh and I are alone and when he's at work I just find looking after her a complete drain. I can't get anything done, she cries when I do washing up or clean bathroom etc she cries when we go on walks either in pram or sling, there are no shops, I don't have the car so doing a quick food shop isn't an option as she does seem to like that. I feel like I'm in a horrible bubble devoid of anything normal and my marriage is so strained because this life style is so intense. I feel a failure because I only have 1 child and the house is a mess, I don't get any cooking done until dh is home, I am constantly trying and failing to get us outside once a day, I'm getting fat because I'm so sedentary and it just seems totally absurd that I'm trapped in a house for literally weeks on end just playing with a baby then frantically trying to do things in her nap time which don't get done. Oh also our stupid plumbing seems to go through her room so using taps isn't an option when she's asleep adding to the ridiculousness. I think it's half circumstance and half mental breakdown that I am so trapped. I am so miserable i cried to my health visitor and she said I was abnormal and am making excuses. I love my baby and enjoy her emerging personality and milestones greatly she's just wonderful, but i am beyond miserable with my life, she should be outside, seeing people, discovering new things, but shes stuck with me. How have I got it all so wrong? I know she won't be small forever but in the meantime how can i be "normal"?

You’re not failing at all, it’s totally normal that your baby still wakes in the night! Sounds like your HV is a bit useless. You definitely need to get out to some groups where you can chat to other mums, it will help immensely. Being at home all the time is isolating and not good for your mental health. The crying phase will pass and things will get easier. I think with your first baby it does take you by surprise how hard it is to just get stuff done, everyone feels like that! Like someone else has suggested you need to try a good baby carrier (look up Connecta) if your baby is more content being held, then you’ll have your hands free, and she may prefer walks in the carrier rather than pushchair. My first baby hated the pushchair until she was about 1, before that would just cry in it, but she was very content in the carrier. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up - sooo many babies are light sleepers so it’s nothing you have done! This time feels long at the time but it really does go by fast, you’ll come out the other side x

Sounds within the range of normal and its ok. Its ok to let her cry a teensy bit, unless she is like my DD1 was, and would end up crying for an hour and then choke on her tears and make herself sick. It is possible that when she starts teething, ie soon, it will get worse for a few weeks. A sling and someone to help you would be the only help. Feed her on demand and carry her around and, whether you do this or not, before her 1st birthday i promise it will be better. So only 3-4 more extreme months to get through. Then your life will become more normal.
DD2 btw is treated exactly the same, fed on demand, never allowed to cry, and she is totally different, leading me to the conclusion that each child has different needs and these need to be expressed by the child and fulfilled by the parent as far as possible without losing your sanity.

Just out of personal curiosity, was your child born skinny and delicate and sensitive like my DD1? Does she hate the pram?

Oh dear. I see that youve tried the pram and sling already. Which one do you have?
Ignore the silly HV.

You sound very isolated. It's hard to take care of a small baby without any support. I was in a similar position when we had our first baby, living abroad and with only 1 car that DH needed for work. It was very hard to get out of the house because DS wouldn't sleep in the stroller after about 9 months old and there were lots of busy roads near us.

Can your DH agree to share the car with you a couple of times a week so you can get out to some baby groups, swimming classes, library story time or something? These kinds of meet-ups saved my sanity when I could get to them. Or you could join a mother-baby fitness group at a gym or community centre. Exercise is great for boosting your mood.

Anyone can go nuts if they're stuck on their own all day with a baby. In my experience, it's normal to feel lonely with a baby and it's very isolating if you don't have family and friends nearby. If your health visitor was any use she would recommend some baby groups or support groups to you rather than saying you're 'abnormal'. What did you do before you had your baby? Could you go back to work soon?

Oh OP I know exactly how you feel my ds2 was exactly the same, couldn't put him down but he screamed, he basically cried all day. I couldn't even enjoy the odd time when he did stop crying because I was so anxious of it him starting again. I felt so miserable and I had people including my mum around so can only imagine how lonely you must feel. I'm sure there will be some sort of groups locally, even the smallest villages have baby groups.

I know it me and nothing while you are living through it, but it does get easier as they get older. People used to say that to me and I would think, oh fuck off you have no idea, but it does I promise.

I’m wondering why you can’t get out a bit more, popski above has good suggestions so you could have the car a couple of times a week. Or could you take the bus to the nearest town or get a taxi and then make a day of it? Maybe meet dh on his way back from work to get a lift back if he doesn’t finish too late? I sometimes used to walk with the buggy until dh saw me coming the other way, then he’d stop and drive me home. Sounds ridiculous but afternoons sometimes really dragged, so it helped pass the time (although I appreciate it might be dark and cold in the evenings at the moment).
But definitely worth investigating some baby groups/classes that you can go to. Your health visitor might know of some (if you can bear to speak to her again) or ask on Facebook/even asking on selling sites to get a broader mix of answers if you don’t have many local parent friends.

Have you taken your baby swimming? When ours were babies, we would both take her swimming, but then I’d go and do some proper swimming (so exercise) while dh played with her, then I’d come back and play a bit before we got out.

When you are trying to get stuff done, is she actuallly crying or just having a whinge? It’s still important that the stuff gets done, even if she is crying, put her in her chair by you, keep talking and singing to her while you do A quick job (the washing up/a load of laundry). 5 minutes of crying, with you talking to her honestly won’t hurt her, maybe put some washing up bubbles on her high chair tray, or give her a wooden spoon as you cook, it might not work, but might buy you a couple of minutes.

Definitely look into the groups though. Talking to other parents who will be going through a similar thing will help how you feel.

I’m sorry you are feeling so down. Is this feeling something new and to do with whatever behavioral phase your baby is in right now? Or is it something that you’ve felt since a she arrived and it has just accumulated beyond your tolerance now?

I ask because if it is the first, that phase around 7-8 months of needing to be entertained but incapable of being distracted can be very draining, but it is just a phase and things may change soon. And people can suggest hints and tips for how to get through it.

However, if your feelings and your isolation have been constant throughout your maternity leave, that’s a different challenge. Post-natal depression is a possibility and nothing to be ashamed of, and I’d recommend seeing your GP to be screened for it and to get help if needed. The sort of isolation you describe would be tough on anyone. I’d suggest that regardless of whether the baby is upset or not, you still aim for one outing a day at least. It will give you focus and getting your baby used to going out may make her also become more comfortable with it. If she’s crying at home anyway, she might as well be crying in the pram and at least you will get some air and a change of scene. You could start small - 15 minute stroll even if you don’t have a specific destination to go to and then build up. I also find walking a regular route is actually a good way to get to know people in your locality - if you always bump into someone on your lap, especially if you’re with a dog or a baby, then a conversational opening almost inevitably follows and hey presto, you’ve just had a walk AND an interaction with another adult. Sorry if that sounds simplistic but I think it can help. I also agree with you getting access to your partner’s car during the day, if at all feasible. You could just bring the baby directly in pajamas to the car seat if needed and then get your day properly started later after dropping your partner to work.

I also found it a huge adjustment to be off work, at home, without my husband and yet completely unable to actually do anything in the house. Previously if I found myself alone in the house, I had free will to choose to use that time for decluttering or cooking or hanging out washing or reading or painting my nails etc. It is a big shift of mindset to spend all that time and feel you have accomplished nothing by your previous standards. But you have cared for and nurtured your baby in that time, so you need to give yourself credit for that, loads of it.

Finally, if she is persistently crying much more frequently and much longer, I’d also consider a medical check to make sure there isn’t some physical cause for it.

Oh sweetheart There's nothing abnormal about you and you did not create a light sleeper. I hated this stage when I was on mat leave - DS cried if I put him down, if he was put in the pram, if we went to baby groups, if anyone came round. And backwards headbutted me. One night I actually screamed because I couldn't take any more. I would have cracked if I didn't get out and see people. Is public transport an option?

I just want to give you a hug, take you out a walk and get you a cup of tea. I wish I could because I've been there so recently. At 15 months it is so, so much better but God you're in such a hard bit just now.

We had a door bouncer and mine would spend hours in that. Stick the TV on too and don't worry about a bit of crying as your try regain your sanity. Feed baby, change baby and then try and get fresh air. Mine were both worse if stuck indoors.

And yes, I agree 7 months was a pisser of an age for my DS. My DD, second-born, was better because she was already pulling up to stand and cruise at 7 months, but DS could barely even crawl at 7 months (massive head ) so he was frustrated and cranky all the time.

It gets better! (eventually...)

And also, it’s definitely normal for a seven month old baby to be waking through the night. You aren’t doing anything wrong x

My DD would scream in pram unless she had a good view. Would only face forward in a sling. Never sat still. Would not go in a rear facing seat past 9 months. Some babies are very single minded and no one tells you that. It's rough at times but you are defo not abnormal.... but please look after your own mental health

I can't believe what your HV said to you, you aren't abnormal at all. You are responding exactly how anyone would respond when they were isolated, bored and lonely for a prolonged period of time.

Does your husband realise how unhappy you are? He needs to help you improve the situation before things get any worse. Are there any local things you get get to, only if once or twice a week so you can look forward to something and structure your week a bit?

Is there any way you can get access to the car on some days? Is there anyone who could come to you for a brew or to look after the baby for an hour so you can catch up on house work or do some batch cooking or something?

I couldn’t go in a car (DD screamed till she vomited). Baby groups were torture as she screamed the whole way through. She hated the pram carrycot till she could sit up in it (pushchair mode) and still hated it till she was over 1. I found it less stressful to just stay at home and read/watch videos for myself all day, which i was ashamed of, bit in hindsight, totally logical and ok.

Can't believe what your health visitor said to you!! I know someone who used to be a health visitor & said women she visited were often breaking down in tears & telling her they were struggling with their babies... it's really common!

Why doesnt your DH want to fix the noisy plumbing? How selfish.
Ditto sharing the car so you can get out?
Just sorting out those two things would make life easier.

Mine is the same. I’m not allowed to put him down. He wakes during the night. I’m so tired that I’m lethargic and struggle to get out. And I’m so bored, fed up and stressed.

I’ve just accepted that I have to let stuff go for the time being. So what if the house is dirty or stuff doesn’t get done - I’m basically just surviving right now. I spent a lot of time with DS in a baby carrier on my front. It gets slightly better at about 9-10 months when baby can sit up and crawl. I put DS in a travel cot or high chair and give him some toys and sing to him while I potter round doing the bare essentials. Or he crawls around the floor with a toy. I only clean properly at weekends and tbh even then I only do what I have to. I’ve adjusted my expectations and right now my day is a success if I get to watch tv or read for an hour. I cope one day at a time because one day it won’t be like this any more.

I have 4 children and I know that feeling of not being able to get anything done - and its not because I have 4 children -its because of my youngest who is 6 months. She wants to be held all the time or she cries. My house is a total mess most of the time. I’m trying not to care but its hard. The

Hopefully it will get easier in a few months when your baby starts playing with toys (or watching Peppa!) and you will get short breaks.

I got this for my baby and she sits in it for between 5 to 20 mins while I run around trying to make the ace look a but less messy www.smythstoys.com/ie/en-ie/baby/high-chairs-and-boosters/highchairs/summer-infant-4-in-1-superseat/p/168262

What area are you in op? I have an ergo you're welcome to borrow if you're local.

OP you have just described my life. I am depressed being at home all the time but it’s so hard to get out that I have stopped trying. Have you tried the app mush. Maybe you could arrange a play date at your house or a walk near you?