To three or not to three

[Happytimes31]

Please help and apologies in advance for the jumble of thoughts. Firstly I am very fortunate I have two wonderful healthy children (one of each) and a loving and very hands on DP. We own our own house. However I am in a mess as I would love another (ideally would have already had it this year) but for very sensible reasons DP is happy with two. If we stay where we are we would rather try to do private school from 11 although would like to move but seemingly in the areas we are restricted to you can’t get good state and good grammar (in case they aren’t academic). We may be able to manage fees for two but not three. Currently I don’t work as we have decided that is the best for our family but this will have to change when they go to school. But my option to go back to my old job runs out this year. I know a third would add pressure and strain (we are spent up every month currently) and I do worry about disrupting the amazing relationship between my two but when I hear about close friends ‘having a go but not fussed either way’ I just feel sick with sadness and jealousy. If either of my siblings had more than two I would struggle with it. A third would be it as four deliveries would not be medically advisable. I do wish in a way that the surgeon had just said ‘no more’ after two. Then no admonishing or at least no choice. This is eating me up. One of my biggest worries is what if something happens to one of mine, how would the other cope. Or one ends up on the other side of the world or something. Life is good now, would I be opening Pandora’s box? Thanks for reading.

Evening. Didn't want to read and run. I understand how you must be feeling, deciding whether or not to have another is a big decision. Have you spoke to your partner about how your feeling? You sound as though your having a wee dilemma with yourself, like deep down would like another but your slightly worried about changing how things are now?

You are being extremely self indulgent and quite honestly, rather stupid. Two children is fine, it's ideal! Many people have difficulties conceiving one!

Be glad with what you have and stop whining, it's ridiculous. As for being jealous of people who might have more than two - how old are you for goodness sake? You need a good shake.

This is difficult. I would like three but DH doesn't want a third and we do struggle with two as it is so I have decided to accept no third. I think you have to discuss this with DH and draw up a list of pros and cons but at the end of the day if DH doesn't want a third (after you've had an open and honest discussion with him) what can you. You may have to grieve the loss of your dream of a third as it sounds like it's something you really want.

What if you did choose to have a third child, but ended up having twins? How would you feel then. Would you be happy with 4? You couldnt give one back! I think you do have to way up all the outcomes.

• weigh up

Thank you so much everyone, all really helpful.

Sick with sadness and jealousy?

Wow. I had IVF to be able to have one and recently failed at having another one.

You have no idea.

I've just had my first and find it completely baffling how anyone can cope with even one child let alone 3!! But I am one of 3 siblings and to me, it seems if you enjoy it, can handle the pressures and realities of babies and family life, then why not have another? If you don't mind giving up your current job offer and reprioritising private school fees to new baby fees etc and you get all practical and financial ducks in a row then I think you'll be fine. (My parents did not and as a result I was pushed out of the family home and we now have a rocky relationship, but looking back if they'd put the thought in to finances, practicalities of living with 3 children such as the size of the house, time, effects of tiredness etc then it would have been fine) you are already thinking sensibly about it and not doing it on a whim so you'll make the right decision for you whichever way you go! :)

Go for it! You'll deal with whatever challenges come your way (including twins).
I have 4 and would love another... so don't expect the urge to have a baby to disappear, though!

It's a gamble. No one knows what effect another child will have on your family dynamics, health, ability to cope etc. It could be amazing or it could push you over the edge. There could be health complications with you or the baby. If you think rationally about the possible 'what ifs' and are able to wait before rushing a decision then all the better. PS I have 3 and it was the best decision xx

Ignore the vitriol OP. It's not your fault that others have fertility issues and you've said you know how lucky you are to have two healthy children. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel however you want. The practicalities will all work themselves out and it comes down to regret. If you think you will always regret not having a third then you should go for it. When I was contemplating this decision I spoke to many others about it and what swung it for me was that everyone who contemplated a third and didn't do it regretted it down the line. I did go for it and have never looked back- best decision ever.

No it's not the OP's fault others have issues but to feel 'sick and jealous' if she can't have 3 kids? Come on.

Not meaning to be all doom and gloom, but you mention that your two children are healthy. I had two healthy children too, but that changed and now have one with a lifelong complicated health condition. I often wonder what would have happened had we gone on to have a third prior to our family circumstances changing. Our life is far more complicated now with our different set of circumstances. Three children would be difficult for us now, but maybe not so much before. What if you couldn't work or had to work reduced hours? Something to maybe consider.

Everyone I know with three four or five loves it but holidays and extra curricular stuff is very limited and private school impossible without a lottery win. I'd have had three but only if much younger and much richer so I could hire help. My two both do sports and other stuff everyday which would be impossible with three.

Agree that you can't happily keep up with loads of extra curricular and paid-for activities. You have to change your standards with 3 or more or it's knackering. Also, expect a lot of noise, mess and bickering!