Aggressive behaviour in 8 year old DS

[stubbornstains]

DS1 is 8, nearly 9. From a very young age he has always has some very angry interludes, but when he was younger I just put it down to his age.

This morning, I asked him to hang his coat up. He went outside, and as I passed through the hall I saw his coat still on the floor, so stuck my head outside and asked him to come back in and hang it up. He said "I was just GOING to! For God's sake!", came back in crashing and banging, hung it up and pushed the coffee table across the room (it's on castors) at the same time, so I told him to go to his room.

He refused, initially, so I told him it was a choice between that and losing some of his weekly points (more of that later), so he huffed upstairs, and when he was at the top, threw the laundry basket full of dirty clothes down the stairs. I deliberately didn't retaliate at that point, but 10 minutes later he was back downstairs "Can I come back down? I'm calm now , at which point I said "Throwing stuff down the stairs is not acceptable, please pick it all up and then we'll see". "Oh, for GOD's sake! Bloody hell! I'm not going to, I didn't do it!" "OK, go back to your room then, and don't come down until you're calm".

He huffs upstairs, and this time throws the entire clothes airer, covered in clothes, down the stairs. Ten minutes later, back again- "Can I come down?" "What you did was highly unacceptable, go back to your room NOW!" (I'm starting to lose it at this point). Half an hour later, he starts clearing up the clothes strewn everywhere of his own volition.

Now, this is the worst he's ever been, but we're getting similar scenes on a regular basis. I chalk up 10 "points" on the chalkboard every week, and he loses one or two for bad behaviour- most weeks he doesn't lose them all, but this morning he lost them all in one fell swoop, so no playing with the new Christmas skateboard, no screens, no pocket money, double chores this week. I also told him that if he was 16 and had behaved like that I would have thrown him out , which I guess sounds harsh, but by God, it's true, and I was just desperate to get through to him how bad that behaviour was.

I never got a proper apology from him. Later on in the day, while we were driving, I tried asking him what made him behave like that, but just got a blanket "don't know".

He's also having some problems with how he relates to other kids at school at the moment, mostly down to how he speaks to them, and an apparent lack of empathy.

I've just been diagnosed with Asperger's, and my niece also has it. But I had a look at the questionnaire I had to send my parents as part of my diagnosis, and DS doesn't seem to tick enough boxes. I also did a PDA quiz for him the other day, and again, not enough boxes ticked.

So, I don't know how best to manage his behaviour, and how to get through to him. Any similar experiences/ tips would be gratefully received!

I'm a lone parent, and the thought of having to deal with a teenager demonstrating this kind of behaviour is my worst nightmare.

Bump

Didn't want to leave you unanswered. I wonder if there is a way to de-escalate these moods? My DS is similar and once we start giving out consequences, it immediately gets worse. That's not to say that there shouldn't be a consequence but the anger has to be gone before it can be introduced meaningfully.

My other thought is that the points seem really negative. Could you find a way to reward the good rather than focussing on the bad?

We are dealing with the same sort of thing so you have all my sympathy.

I wouldn’t have him deciding when he comes out of his room after a burst of naughty behaviour. Take anything that entertains him out of his room. No iPad tv or toys. Leave him in there until you say he can leave. Don’t engage with him. Just send him.

Aw thanks Ithink, the sound of tumbleweed was getting deafening!

Yes, I do think I have to work on de-escalating things. I know it doesn't help that I'm a pretty rigid type myself, and won't back down. I'm currently reading "The Explosive Child", but it's not quite hitting the spot at the moment (it appears to be aimed at the kind of kids that points/ consequences won't work for, but they do work for DS......once he's calmed down).

Although I did wait until we'd (kind of) calmed down before I gave DS his consequences.

I get what you mean about the points being negative...in fact, when I introduced them I did tell DS that I would also add points for good behaviour - then forgot to implement that bit .

What kind of stuff is your DC doing?

Problem is, fabaunt, it's difficult to keep him in his room, without physically manhandling him, which is a pretty slippery slope to be going down as a LP of boys.

He doesn't have any tech in his room, just stuff like Lego and books, and TBH I'd be happy if he settled down to read for an hour when he gets like that- it would really calm him down.

My DS is being assessed for autism at the moment. Meltdowns come seemingly out of nowhere and if we don't see them coming no amount of consequences work.

I have found that changing my tone helps enormously. If I am actively smiling and say something positive like "just pop that down for me" rather than "don't throw that" then the response is generally much more positive. Easier said than done though.

Tone is DEFINITELY something to try, Ithink. My default tone is stern. Maybe I should save that until he actually misbehaves.

Good luck with your DS's assessment, hope you manage to get the appropriate support for him x/

Ask for support from the Family Support Service (ask your school SENCo about it), you can also ask for support from NAS (National Autistic Society). I understand your DS has no diagnosis, but you do so hopefully they may be able to help. Good luck.

My DD is exactly the same age, and she is def testing the boundaries, recently we've had strops, huffing, door slamming, rudeness.

Someone wiser than me told me to be glad that she feels able to 'test' the boundaries in an environment she's comfortable in ie. home, and by putting consequences in place and staying firm, you're doing exactly the right thing. That seemed to make sense to me.

The only bit I'd tweak is to try the chart starting with no points, and 'catch him being good' so he can earn up to 10 a day with a reward (doesn't have to be material - 15 mins later bedtime, or can leave table without taking dishes out etc - kids this age love a 'privilege', especially in front of siblings!). As a teacher of teenagers, I've had lots and lots of success with this.

It's completely devastating to me, though- I manage to hold it together at the time, but it takes me days to recover.I came the closest to "freezing" today that I have since I've had DC, and went on to nearly have a collision whilst driving, and then had a proper meltdown while trying to find somewhere to park in St. Ives (although arguably this is normal for St. Ives - I just thought it'd be quiet enough to chance it in December - d'oh!).

DS has actually managed to negotiate gaining a couple of points back himself today, by tidying his room completely and willingly - impressed with his initiative there!

Thanks for the support suggestions smile - I genuinely had no clue where to even start with accessing help, so that's really useful xx

Oh, I just remembered, DS also voluntarily helped wrap my DParents' Christmas presents (haven't seen them for Christmas yet) - a job I hate - and also packed his own clothes for our trip up to see them tomorrow. Just reminding myself of how helpful he is sometimes :).

My ds is 8 and newly diagnosed with autism (would have been Aspergers if they still diagnosed it) and does exactly what you describe. His rigidity and controlling nature means any request I make of him can derail from his intended plan which enrages him and then the anxiety of him 'doing wrong' and being seemingly told off makes him react disproportionately. When ds flips out, there is nothing we can do or say. He knows to go to his room and will usually calm down under his weighted blanket reading and then will tidy up the mess he's made and carry on. We have a quick chat about what could be done differently and move on. Agree that tone of voice for requests are really important and to be the flexible one. My ds needs to do the thing he was thinking of before going back to do the thing I'm asking. I just have to leave him to his order and praise him for doing things a tall!

Weirdly enough, I was diagnosed with actual Asperger's about 3 weeks ago, struggling. I was quite surprised by that, but kept forgetting to ask the psychologist why it hadn't been redubbed HFA perhaps they were trying to use up all the old paperwork

I can’t promise any of these will help but you never know...
Has he tried to find a physical outlet for his anger, e.g. punching a mattress, sofa or even a punching bag? Throwing a pre-agreed item like cushions?

Have you tried giving him 30 minutes a day of your undivided attention to do any activity he likes (OK within reason) together? This sounds like a weird one but sometimes it works. The 30 minutes together can never be lost through bad behaviour.

The undivided attention thing is a bit difficult booboos, because I'm a LP and he has a little brother. I managed a walk with him the day school broke up, though. Perhaps we could try something after DS2's bedtime....We do like a good jigsaw! (If he was to choose it would be going for a walk or going swimming, but we couldn't do that with DS2 in bed).

I see, but maybe there are ways around this...could you offer him a choice of activities you can do while DS2 sleeps and on exceptional days when DS2 is with a relative/friend he gets to choose something extra special like swimming.

I think DShas Aspergers as do I but I haven't started anything rolling re diagnosis. However he has recently, over last couple of months I think max, similar age and circs, had these outbursts as well. I know having a difficult time at after school activity club (not his choice of activity and doesn't read tone of voice well, all sorts of clashes there) and family illness etc has been a worry for him. But I do worry about being a LP and having to manage this behaviour. He's pretty tall now. He's also started hitting recently, and would slam doors, chuck things, out of nowhere. I don't have any answers. I want to take a very hard line as I have to in these circumstances. However the only thing that has worked to diffuse the rage is to say it's unacceptable, but keep calm myself, and then tickle him as punishment. I realise this is probably a terrible method, but it has deescalated. That, and going outside for a walk/ bike ride/etc, or asking a question about a niche favourite topic of interest for him which will switch his mood

Your punishments are too severe and may have led him to be very frustrated. Obviously his behaviour with the laundry is quite extreme but taking all his stuff away generally is too much.
That is far too much to take off him in one sweep. Kids make mistakes eg with the coat but just say..do what Mummy says and leave it. Its your job to teach him. He wasn't born knowing everything.
I have 3 dc and l have never had to take their stuff away in all the years. Just speak sternly and hopefully he will learn.
A certain amount of frustration has built up in him now so give him time to chill down. It make take a while but l would stop that points system and ease off a bit.
My ds had that system in school and he nearly had a breakdown trying not to do anything wrong but because he has dyspraxia it was nearly impossible with losing stuff and forgetting stuff. Its a horrible system.
As he may have additional needs too keep that in mind when he acts out as his behaviour may be a signal to lead you to his difficulties.
I know its tough but kindness, constantly teaching and modelling good behaviour and overlooking small things might be easier all round.