Breakdown of relationship with my 4 year old

[moomoo85]

I am at the end of my tether and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions I would be grateful for any help.

I have a 4.5 year old son and a 6 week old daughter. I have been having some issues with my 4.5 year old which probably started when I was about 37 weeks pregnant and have amplified since his sisters arrival.

I think the issues are two ways. From his point of view his behaviour has deteriorated. He is often disobedient, purposefully tries to wind me and my husband up (mimicking and doing things we have asked him not to), he gets right in my daughter's face and is a bit rough with her which I again think is probably to provoke a reaction. He is very emotionally fragile and isn't really sleeping well any more. He is clearly struggling but nothing I have tried had helped. He has just started school in September which is another big thing for him.

From my end there are also issues. I feel awful even talking about this but I deffinitely feel less attached to him that I used to. I do still love him but feel so frustrated with him to the extent that I don't want to spend time with him. Even saying that hurts.

I am struggling to know what is best to do. I am limited as I am ebf so spend most of my time feeding and can't really take him off out on my own to spend some together just us.

Has anyone else experienced their feelings toward their eldest change on the birth of a second child. And has anyone got any suggestions for how I can improve my son's behaviour (I guess I need to make him feel more secure but I don't know how to do that). I just want my little boy back.

It sounds like he might be playing up because he feels threatened by the new baby.
I'd massively emphasis what you and he can do together that she can;t do. Say lots of stuff like, Little Moo shall we have a biscuit and watch a film? Then say: Baby moo can't have biscuits because she;s only a baby but we can can;t we because we have teeth. Or Baby moo can;t understand this film but we can can;t we, so we can watch it together.

Even if she's feeding, that sort of thing might reassure him that you and he have an exclusive bond that she can't break.

Worth a try. The first weeks are so hard. You must be shattered!

I feel for you, I know how hard it is going from 1 to 2, but your little boy has started school, gained a baby sibling, and his mum doesn't like him as much any more - of course he's unsettled and playing up!

You need to give him as much positive attention as you can possibly manage. Praise the tiniest bit of good behaviour. Smile and offer him a hug every time he comes in the room. Keep a little bag of crayons and colouring books and duplo and story books and invite him to do gentle play beside you when you're feeding. Get in the bath with him when baby naps. Let him push the pram and fetch wipes and choose babygros for the baby.

I felt exactly the same when I had my second DC and my first DC was 3.5.

DC1 irritated me and used to prod and try to hurt baby DC2, meaning I would get super protective and shove him away and shout at him.

DC2 would sleep through the night but DC1 would be up two or three times, just fucking around. Potty training regressed as well, which was massively frustrating and I didn’t handle it very well.

It was an awful time and I feel dreadful remembering it now. But once things settled with DC2 after a few months, DC1 and I found our way back to each other and are now closer than ever. Certainly no hard feelings on either side and I adore both DCs equally.

I think this is very normal when a new sibling arrives and it’s just something you need to ride out. It will all be over in two or three months.

It's totally normal for you both to feel this way. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but he is crying out for attention and reassurance. Even if it is only 5 minutes while the baby is asleep, sit down and play with him or just give him a cuddle etc. My eldest was 2 when his brother was born, so it was slightly different for me, but I used to have him come and sit next to me on the sofa while I was feeding his brother. We would watch telly and have a cuddle, or he'd bring some toys or a book over to look at together. Even just having a conversation together about some thing that interests him while you're with the baby shows he's still got your attention.

My eldest was also pretty hard work last year when he started full time school, even without having a new baby in the mix.

I felt this way about my DS1 when he was 4 and I didn't have a new baby. Things did improve as he got older. He was diagnosed this year with ADHD - that might have been why he was so challenging.

Try to have a few constants you don't skip - like a bedtime story for example even if you don't feel it. Even if you are EBF you can take some time out - 15 minutes at a time absolutely, as baby gets older a couple of hours here and there. I'd make sure DH is very involved so you can rely on this for your alone time with DS1.

Reduce your behaviour expectations a bit - try to rewind to 3 or even 2yo expectations. Lots more praise than punishment. Try to think of the key issues and reverse into what you want instead, then praise even tiny steps towards that or encourage/steer. DH needs to be on board too and if family members are visiting prime them on the topics to encourage. Make sure DS1 hears you say to the baby "Just a minute, I'm busy with DS1, you need to wait". The baby doesn't understand but the 4yo will hear it's not just one way.

It does get better.

Definitely spednieven small amounts of dedicated time but also try to include him with the baby. Let him hold the baby and help bathe her etc. We found that really helped.

No advice but I could have written your post word for word, including child ages.
It’s so hard, I get so frustrated with ds but feel glued to the sofa feeding.
I did take him out to softplay today, and the baby mostly slept in the sling, so I thought he’d appeciate the outing with just us, but he still played up!
Although sling does seem to be the way to go for being able to interact more.

It’s about 9 weeks? Late pregnancy and new babies are a hard time, at this stage I’d just try to think ‘this will pass’ and just weather it. Try to react calmly, take the time you need and try to respond not too deeply- try not to get emotional and question yourself too much and just remember it’s probably a very short phase in the scheme of things. Being more relaxed on yourself will remove a lot of the stress from the interaction, and also give him leeway and recognise its out of character in response to big changes and he’ll most likely soon revert. Baby is pretty portable, just sling and go to a few of his favourite places. Ignore the housework as much as possible for a bit

My oldest two btw are now best of friends, but when she came home he was on a mission to hit her over the head with anything he found! He seemed like an awful child. He grew into a well mannered boy who rarely fights with his sister (the housework however never recovered...)

I remember my sister being born when I was 6. She was pretty useless as a playmate and she made my mum crabby and tired. I bit her hand once because I was so frustrated at her uselessness.

I also remember the time mum let me sit in the bed and hold her while mum dressed. I felt useful and part of the team. That was a bonding moment.

Let him be useful and heap the praise on when he is.

Yes.
I’ve a 3.5 year old dd. And a 1 year ds
I hate myself for typing this but she’s been hard work and I love her dearly but the bond isn’t what it was. I could cry saying that. She’s a daddy’s girl now as he helps her and I look after the baby more.
I’ve no clue how to solve it. Every night I promise myself I’ll be kinder tomorrow but I’m exhausted from her questions and his clingy ness.

Thank you for your help and your honesty. I have really focused so far today on snuggles with him and reinforcing that I love him and he is in better mood today

He wants, needs your attention. When he plays nicely, you probably grab a couple of quiet moments to do a chore. When he plays up, you stop what you are doing and give him the full beam of your attention. Heartbreakingly, he would rather have your negative attention than none at all.
My DD was a similar age when I had DC2 and it took a good 18 months for the sibling rivalry to die down, despite me doing my best to carve out time for her.
It is tough, I wonder if you have some PND too which you could talk to your GP or HV about. But keep faith in your little boy, your relationship will survive this temporary test.